Was this emotional abuse

Was this emotional abuse

|TLDR| My husband and I both struggle with mental illness. I’m working really hard on mine. He does with minimal effort. During the course of my deep dive into my mental health journey I discovered a diagnosis that was a complete shock to me. I’ve been diagnosed with BPD. He has shown zero desire to help me heal. Mind you I’m completely aware that my mental health is mine to deal with however with that said as with any diagnosis your partner will enviably intermingle and learning and growing together is generally the goal for a healthy relationship. He buys into the line of thinking that BPD is a made up diagnosis simply for people like me to be “allowed” to display unhealthy emotions and behaviors under certain circumstances. He has fully immersed himself into the groups that purposefully bash and tear apart their loved ones with BPD. Anyhow, to the point…we had a fight. I was trying to tell him about something important to me but right in the middle of me speaking (while visibly not listening to me at all as he cranes his neck to look at our neighbors yard) he says (again, I’m mid sentence) “Jesus did he really get another trailer” then “I’m listening what are you saying” My memory is pretty bad so I sort of fizzle out because I don’t really know then what I was even saying. Now he’s notorious for asking “what’s wrong/is something wrong/what’s wrong with you” so per usual aprox 30 mins later I get the “is something wrong” and rather than my usual response of “no I’m fine” I actually am brave enough to say that it hurt my feelings that he seemed to not even care about what I was saying. Now this is where it really takes off…he starts in with the “oh ffs here we go again with you always telling me what I did wrong or how I’m not good enough because it’s always something” I say something like not realizing that speaking about my feelings was going to be taken as a personal attack on him. But because I’ve been so open with him (in the hopes that because he’s my partner that he has vested interest in my well being) he knows words like “trigger” and knows that I get emotionally disregulated. Especially once I’ve been rejected as he very much did while I was speaking and then again when I attempted to tell he how that made me feel. He then proceeded to mock me and speak to me in a condescending baby voice while saying things like “awe am I triggering you, are you triggered, ohhh are you getting triggered”. Unfortunately yes I was triggered and emotionally disregulated myself into a whole episode as would be expected. Sadly I’m not very far along on my mental health journey to have any coping skills or tactics built up yet. This is all so new to me. He kept at me. Relentlessly. Mocking and name calling. At one point he screamed directly into my ear and it’s still ringing today. Later on he dumped water all over me and repeatedly threw ice at my head. Mind you I said awful things. Said I was so sick of this and that I want a divorce. Everything I said I said fully in an episode. An episode that he methodically enacted just because he knew it would happen. Everything he said to me he said to cut deep and to keep the episode going and escalating. Then completely blamed me. Says that I’m psycho and that I’m everything that is wrong with this marriage. That I’m disgusting and that he hates my guts. My heart has broken into a million pieces. I just can’t believe that someone that is supposed to love me could be so calculated and cruel. He completely exploited my mental illness. It’s almost like he enjoyed it. Like I’m his little puppet. He knew exactly what would happen when he pulled each string and unfortunately I’m not strong enough yet to stay rational and calm while being emotionally attacked like that. He blames me entirely. Has absolutely no compassion for my struggles or what he did to me. He knew exactly what he was doing and he did it on purpose. What breaks my heart the most is that now I truly know how he feels and saw the hate in his eyes. So it’s truly over. He’s never been one to apologize but even if he did (which trust me he would rather have a colonoscopy than apologize so it would never happen) I think I need to dig deep and find some self respect and realize that this isn’t healthy. And if a person truly loves you they would never do something like what he did under any circumstance.