My cousin has died and I was going to send my aunty and uncle some flowers along with a card. But my friend said everyone will be sending flowers, so I should look at buying something else, but I have no idea what I’d even send instead.
Can anyone suggest anything or should I just stick with flowers?
15 comments
Make a donation to a charity in his name?
I don’t really understand what your friend is suggesting, but then again I don’t really understand the point of flower’s other than to say you’re thinking of the person. Not sure what other material gift you could use to do this as nothing is going to make them feel any better. Unless you can think of anything that would serve as a tribute to your cousin that they could keep forever, but maybe it’s too soon for that?
Sorry for your loss.
Edit: just saw somebody suggested a charity donation, that’s a good answer in my opinion. Maybe something your cousin felt strongly about.
If you can get hold of a lot of photos a nice leather bound album perhaps…??
I agree with your friend. Most people don’t have enough vases for put multiple bouquets of flowers.
My suggestions would be a few pics of you and your cousin together and a written note with some memories.
If you want to get them a thing, maybe a plant for the garden, or succulent for inside.
Usually come the funeral the family / funeral directors will say if the family have chosen some charities in lieu of flowers.
Usually what I like to do is sponsor a tree in the departed’s name and send that to the family alongside a sympathy card. I used Woodland Trust for non-religious folks, and Embrace the Middle East for church bereavements (they do a £15 sponsor an olive tree in Palestine).
I’d generally avoid donating to a charity related to the cause of death, unless the family say otherwise, because it might be too soon for them to get something that might be a big reminder of what happened to their loved one.
**edit**: if you do send flowers, please be mindful of pets they might have. Lilies are extremely toxic to cats, for example. Some florists will have pet-safe options, or you can look online what kinds to avoid.
A card with a personal note about a good memory of your cousin.
In due course they may be comforted by donations or similar, but a personal memory is about the only thing which helps slightly (according to my cousins and aunt and uncle – one cousin died a couple years ago).
When my brother in law died all the flowers people sent to the house were of no use. The rotisserie chicken and bread that someone brought over was incredibly welcome as we were too much of a mess to even think about cooking. If you live nearby pop around with easy to prepare food.
I don’t think you can have too many flowers we got a lot and just put the excess at the grave.
I sent a memory jar, wing chimes, and a memorial bracelet. Same cost. Lasts longer. Bracelet and chimes could be personalized. Amazon.
Meal train is a great option. After the loss of a loved one, a person may not have the emotional/physical energy to cook or clean up. Sending a gift card for take out at a place you know they enjoy eating is a great way to show you’re thinking of them and express care.
If they’re cremating cousin, it may be nice to see if they would like a piece of jewelry made with his ashes. Sometimes a pendant can be quite healing.
Condolences on your loss.
If you live close by, especially if you can drive, offering to do something useful would probably be more appreciated than flowers. They might not have much energy or can’t be bothered to cook or go shopping. So depending on your own resources and budget, something food related, even if it’s them giving you a shopping list and you go to Tesco’s for them. Or take them round some lasagne and portions of chili/curry/bolognaise etc that they can just reheat.
Is there a charity that he or they would like to support?
Would they want to do a memorial bench or anything?
If he played with a team maybe a memorial trophy?
Cooked meals are always good, if you live far away could you prep some meals and drop them off in one go? I know I hugely appreciated having low effort meals when grieving.
I’m really sorry for your loss. Peace and hugs to you and yours.
Flowers sort of get in the way, and they always seem to include lilies for tributes which stink and stain fabrics.
If you can cook, and you live nearby, a few casseroles or oven heatable meals could be good. When you’re grieving, sometimes you don’t have the energy to cook proper meals. If they are having a spread at home instead of at a hotel, you could arrange some snack foods like sausage rolls.
If they have a garden, offer to cut the grass. They have a lot to deal with and might appreciate one less thing to do.
You could organise a delivery of food (such as a fruit basket) or a little hamper of cheese/meat/crackers. If you are nearby, some easy to heat and freezeable (assuming they have a freezer) of home cooked meals. It can just help take some of the stress of having to think about food out the way. And honestly, sometimes you know you need to eat but can’t really face a meal and just knowing you have some fruit to grab is great.
Or offering to get them a food box (Hello fresh or similar), or vouchers like the M&S meal deals so they can have easy dinners with 0 effort.
If you are nearby, offering to do some chores around the house but with no expectation (e.g “I’m around on Saturday and didn’t know if you’d be up for mowing the lawn so I can pop round and do that for you and then take XYZ to the dump for you” – you can subtley hint that you are not wanting to or expecting them to host you and you are just going to do the chore and leave.
If you want something more lasting, a growing plant (or tree depening on whether they have a garden) – I know my mum has sent people a rose with a special name (some are named after people, but some will be “dear son” or something which would be a personal touch.
A donation in his honour to a charity close to the family…but this is likely to also be suggested at the funeral.
And honestly, remember them after the funeral. Sending a little note say 2 months after the funeral just letting them know you are thinking of them, offering to help with anything they need, maybe sharing a nice memory of your cousin etc. It’s too easy for everyone else to go back to normal after the funeral
** It does depend on the person, but a book of mindfulness techniques or calming sprays for nighttimes etc may be appreciated. Self care type things but this could wind someone up if they don’t go for that kind of thing normally