I know this post sound ridiculous but hear me out.
I was dating a man (lets say named Adam) for about 3 months, almost a year ago now. We knew each other for 2 months prior to dating as friends (saw each other nearly everyday), so we knew each other for about 5 months total.
Our dating life was pretty casual (nothing romantic/mostly just make-outs/parties/hanging with his friends), and when I eventually (1 month in after he asked me out) asked about labels (since people saw us together and asked) he told me that we were “just dating”. He was the “let’s see where things go” type of guy. I slept with someone a few days/maybe a week prior to me asking this question. To me, casual dating/”just dating” means that they may be seeing other people alongside me. I assumed Adam was seeing other people mistakenly, and when I asked him he got offended. I also told him, when I brought up labels, that I would stop talking/engaging with the other couple guys I was talking to to be with him and he got silent, literally said nothing, and the atmosphere got heavy.
After this conversation I stopped talking to anyone else with the exception of once texting a guy I went on 2 dinner dates with about a local news story. Whenever I brought up out feelings later on in the “relationship”, he would not say a word (I mean it, he would just not respond in person) – this eventually lead to our “thing” ending. I told a friend about the experience, and they told me it was a “situationship” and that he gaslighted me(?). (There were also a lot of other things wrong in our dating thing, but the details aren’t necessary in this regard.)
During the whole of our 3 months together we never referred to each other as girlfriend or boyfriend, he never introduced me as such to people in his life. We didn’t even refer to what we had as a relationship and he once hesitated to say that we were “together”. Kept saying things like “if we get into a relationship…” But in the same vein, he wanted me to meet his dad/family and would put his arm around me in public (so, of course, people were going to ask) – it was all very weird to me.
I was honestly extremely confused throughout the entire thing, but I am paranoid I may have cheated and am wondering how I can bring this up if future potential partners ask about my past?
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tl;dr Was dating a guy for abut 3 months casually, slept with someone after within a month after he asked me out initially. About 1 month in I ask about labels and told him that I will drop the other guys to be with him exclusively, and he didn’t say anything in return. Our thing continued on but was overall very odd. How should I bring this up if a future partner asks?
8 comments
I don’t think you necessarily have to say anything since he never confirmed that you two were exclusive.
You didn’t cheat. In future, I would be disinclined to stay with anyone who communicates so poorly, but it sounds like you did leave him over that, so well done. When either person wants exclusivity, they need to talk about it and both of you need to agree. Plus, you should actually discuss how you each define exclusivity and what the boundaries are. He didn’t do any of that, and just seems to have gotten hurt when his assumptions were violated, but the problem was his assumptions instead of communicating with you. And it’s normal and reasonable for you not to offer exclusivity with someone you weren’t in a relationship with. Some people do have exclusive non-relationships, but they explicitly agree to that.
I would say it’s not cheating, cause you didn’t intentionally do it being in a relationship with this man, besides the fact he never confirmed anything and even less if he would act sussy and have you in a limbo. I feel it was a mistake because of lack of communication, but not necessarily cheating
I’d say if you were “just dating” and not dating then it was a casual thing, you weren’t going steady, meaning you were a romantic interest but not a girlfriend. The fact he refused to even talk or explain what you were to each other, and the fact you didn’t even have the conversation of what you were to each other is a problem in itself. Thohgh I could see someone say you were cheating I don’t think you were since you weren’t going steady.
I can’t say if he gaslighted you or just expected you to read his mind and got mad when you didn’t, I’ve seen a lot of guys use silent treatment as a punishment.
Anyway just make sure you know going in what you two are together, really you should always do that. Because if one person’s looking for a commitment and the other something casual it’s not going to end well.
I don’t consider this cheating. You guys weren’t ever official. You also point out your mistake in assuming Adam was also seeing other people. Next time, be upfront about expectations. But I would also say Adam is at fault here since he also never explicitly expressed his expectations. You didn’t cheat though and it’s ultimately just a dating experience that didn’t work out.
You can’t cheat on someone if you don’t know if you’re even together or not. Stop overthinking it.
Out of curiosity, did you sleep with this guy or only make out?
As a man, if I’ve put in all this time and effort (assuming he did) and I found out you’ve slept with someone else and they’ve put in less effort (again, assumptions) this is going to effect my ego/mental state/pride as a man. Not only that, he may have different views as to women sleeping with other people and may not see you as faithful.
I understand a lot of the people here will say get over it and stop letting your ego/pride interfere with what’s happened but if someone else can just walk-in and do what you would like to do with the least amount of effort a lot of people will feel inferior and that could be the case with what’s happened here. I could be totally wrong because I am not that person in this situation. This is just to give you an insight into how a man can view the situation.
My opinions and views will be different to most people here because I’m a man but I’m also from the UK and from what I know most relationships here aren’t casual.
You’re definitely overthinking this. If you don’t know if what you did is considered cheating, you’re not a cheater. Definitely learn from the experience (ie have better communication with future partners about whether the relationship is monogamous or not), but otherwise stop worrying about it.