Please excuse my spelling and punctuation. I am dyslexic. Sorry this may be a bit long winded and also sorry if it begins to make no sense.
I (26f) have been with my partner (26m) for nearly 3 years. We have astablished that I have a higher sex drive than he does which I understand and respect. Now we probably have sex twice a month (we don’t live together). He’s had issues in the past with alcohol but now has it under control. I remember when we first start getting intermet that I could go on for hours even without penetration but now I’m struggling to find what gets him going and he hardly ever cums inside me and 95% of the time has to use his hand to finish off. We do use foreplay and I’ve tried introducing toys such as rings and vibrators but they get used a couple of times and not used again. I’ve tried talking to him about it and asking what he likes and stuff but don’t really get anything from it apart from trying to avoid the conversation. He has mentioned that at times I’m just too wet so I said that we could tone it down a bit with him playing me (as he always plays with me and gets me to orgasm and I do return the favour and do what he likes such as a bj) so basically telling him to not focus on me as much and focus more on what he wants and likes to climax. During the covid lockdown we would send nudes of somewhat but then they kinda stopped. I have hardly any self esteem / self confidence in my body and decided to do a boudoir photo shoot as a surprise, I put the photos in a book and when it gave it to him he just quickly scanned through it, said “nice” and put it on the shelf and that’s where it has stayed ever since (covered in dust so I know it’s not been touched). Ive even suggested exploring others places and things we could do that we could be ‘sneaky’ such as doing things in the car but he finds it weird and not bothered, where as I find it almost like an adrenaline rush and exciting. All just makes me feel like he’s not attracted to me, not bothered by the sex and isn’t willing to have a proper conversation about it. I dont getting compliments from him at all but shows his love in other ways such as very thoughtful gifts on bdays and xmas and we do gener have a good relationship. What do I do? How do I spice it up in the bedroom. Or is the relationship just getting to an end point?
Help a girl out here.
2 comments
I am not sure but you want may to talk to him firmly & encourage him to try therapy. Something seems to be wrong with him & he needs professional help. Else I am sorry to say but it might be better for you to move on
Lot testosterone is a sign of lower libido in men. Once or twice a month is really low IMHO so might be something to look into.
Although I would ask what you are getting out of a long-distance relationship, devoid of compliments, with someone who doesn’t seem to be putting in the same effort as you are but that might have just been the picture you painted here.
As much as we try to pretend sex isn’t important in a relationship it often is one of the major corner stones of successful relationships and can easily make and break people. (look at the /r/DeadBedrooms sub…)
I personally wouldn’t stay in a relationship with such a highly miss-matched libido if there wasn’t some underlying problem. You guys are both young, and only been in your relationship for 3 years. You have a whole lot of living left to do, and an easy-ish road to a new partner. Make sure to do some soul searching and make sure that this is the kind of future you want for yourself in all other regards as well as likely things will stay the same into your future. So if nothing changed and your relationship was exactly like this for the rest of your life… how happy would you be? If not very, then you need to get some changes in your relationship (therapy / doctor) or get out.