First off, for anyone who takes the time to respond to this i really appreciate it!
I’ve been with my bf for 2 years and there are some ongoing issues that haven’t been resolved despite several open discussions we’ve had about them.
First, he has a short temper. when he get annoyed, he slams doors, cupboards, swears, raises his voice. It’s rarely directed at me (although i’d say it has been twice). I feel it is so immature and totally turns me off, and also, really triggers me given the fact my ex bf was abusive. everytime i call him out on his temper he either says 1) he’s « not that bad » and that if i think he has a bad temper, i should see his fathers, or 2) that he isn’t sorry for it because he refuses to take my shit (this one is usually when we are arguing).
For example, just tonight i fell asleep during a movie we were watching together and he woke me up and said “what the f*** you’re sleeping, are you f***ing kidding me” and then turned the tv off and walked into the other room and slammed the door w/o saying anything to me. When he could’ve just let me sleep lol
Second, he isn’t romantic despite the fact i’ve told him these things are important to me. he’s never boughten me flowers. i made a really big deal of it 6 months ago and he swore he’d buy me flowers for my birthday and then never did. In the past, i’ve received flowers from men often and without having to ask. He says they’re expensive but makes good money lol so that’s not the issue.
He also never plans dates, it’s always me doing it. i pick out the restaurant, make the reservation, book the airbnb, etc. We went to europe this year and he literally did not help with a single bit of planning. The emotional labour of doing this is exhausting and for once i just want him to make me feel like i’m special enough to put in the effort for.
I know he loves me but at the same time i know i deserve someone who speaks to me in my love language and not their own, and makes an effort to make things romantic for us even if they aren’t a romantic person themselves. As I mentioned we’ve talked really openly about these two things (especially #2) but i’ve seen no change. I’m not a huge fan of ultimatums but at this point i’m really considering it.
Any advice is appreciated. Thanks!
25 comments
You can try an ultimatum, but I promise you any changes he makes will only be temporary to show you how he’s ‘changed.’ He may buy you flowers once, maybe twice, but likely won’t ever again. He’ll stop his temper for maybe a couple weeks or a month, but then he’ll slowly go back to his usual ways.
I want you to have your happy ending, but I don’t see it with this guy. Like you (kind of) said, you deserve better.
The romantic love language stuff doesn’t even seem relevant.
This guy has an anger problem, he literally woke you up and swore at you for daring to fall asleep. Forget the ultimatum, find your self respect and realise he’s abusive and leave.
If you’re at the point of an ultimatum, the relationship is over. Relationships require people to talk, and, “Do it my way or we’re done,” is the opposite of that.
That said, this isn’t a relationship worth holding on to. He’s a terrible boyfriend, when you do talk he invalidates your own feelings and experiences (“My temper isn’t that bad,”) he doesn’t want to put work in or do what’s important to you.
If you set an ultimatum, I see two possibilities: one, he agrees and makes some token change for maybe three days, a week if you’re lucky, then back to the same. Two, and more likely, he says, “Okay bye,” and trust me, that will make the breakup so much harder to get over.
I think you need to skip right to the breakup. This way, you’re making that decision and it will weigh on you less heavily once it’s over instead of trying to salvage something not worth salvaging.
He’s a loser. He’s an ignorant, childish loser.
I chalk up his anger problems to abusive. Idk if you need an ultimatum. Might be time to say goodbye.
He’s just not into you.
I’m going to echo what others here have said. I think you should leave him. The non-romantic aspect is probably a bummer, but the anger ( he literally got mad at you for falling asleep? During a movie?!?!?!? ) is probably going to escalate. You’ve said you’ve had abusive relationships in the past ( parents, exes ), deep down I think you know this.
You don’t need an ultimatum. Things are WELL past that point already. You need to simply break up with this guy. I believe you love him and that he loves you, but love by itself is not enough to sustain a relationship. Your boyfriend has some shit to work through with a therapist and an anger management counselor before he should even consider being in a relationship again. I 100% promise you things are not going to change with this guy. You need to break up with him, and I recommend that you tell him to see an anger management counselor or every girlfriend he ever ends up with in the future is going to dump him too. Best of luck to you.
He is too immature for a relationship. An ultimatum means he changes or you leave, but he can’t change so what is the point of an ultimatum? Just discuss your differences and break up. And his saying his anger isn’t that bad isn’t an answer. Tell him you don’t want a boyfriend with any anger issues at all. They are out there. Even if he wanted to stay together and got therapy for his temper, he can’t change overnight. It will help him in future relationships but not in yours. You should get therapy to learn how to deal with your past trauma so you don’t keep repeating it.
People can’t change for other people, they change because they want to and he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t even admit he needs to change so why would he? He downplays and makes excuses for his behavior. Don’t accept abusive, not acceptable behavior just because it’s less abusive then other behavior you’ve experienced. Someone who slams the door because someone fell asleep during a movie? Are you kidding me? You say it’s only been directed at you twice but I doubt that if he’s acting that way over you falling asleep and you also say he’s not sorry because he “refuses to take your shit”. Ok, so why are you willing to take his?
What do you really think it will accomplish? If he does change it will probably be temporary or a one time thing. He’s already shown you what being with him long term will be like. People don’t change. You’ve stated there are major issues that you can’t deal with. It’s time to say this relationship isn’t right and move on.
You don’t need to give him an ultimatum, you need to recognize his behavior as abusive. It’s a different form than your ex’s, but it’s still controlling and devaluing you. Just because you don’t think it’s “that bad” doesn’t mean it’s okay. Stop taking those excuses. Being cussed at for falling asleep during a movie? That’s not okay. Please seek some help and consider seriously what your future would be like with him. Just move on.
Here’s my opinion:
You’re dating an immature trash human who is taking out his trauma on you. You do not deserve to be treated like that.
Leave his sorry ass and find someone who doesn’t use their abusive father as an excuse to be an ass.
You’re dating a man child. I’d seriously consider breaking up and moving on. Kid has a lot of growing up to do
Red flags all around. Leave him.
Sounds like he probably has some childhood trauma, showing anger the way his father did, or less so but still learned. If you want to give him an ultimatum, go ahead. Send me flowers OR ELSE! Though it sounds to me as if you’re probably not compatible and you simply want him to be someone he isn’t.
Fuck me honest idk maybe because I’m older, divorced, I mean IDK but what does it take for you all to break up with people nowadays. He yelled at you for falling asleep. No. That’s it. No ultimatum, no let’s talk this out, the only response to this is YO I’M DONE HERE. I have had plenty of people fall asleep on me, and vice versa. The only acceptable responses are either to wake me up to go to bed nicely, or throw a blanket on me while I’m in the couch. That’s it. Also just FYI, if he doesn’t understand his anger issues now, he never will unless he goes to therapy (and something tells me he won’t be willing to do that). If his response to you questioning anger is “oh you should see me dad”, that’s just fucking toxic. That’s similar to “oh you think I’m an alcoholic, you should see how much person x drinks”. Regardless of this other person, you’re still an alcoholic. So regardless of his father, your bf still has anger issues. And you said you had been in an abusive relationship before, as have I, so I have a newsflash for you, you’re currently in another abusive relationship. This definitely sounds emotionally abusive. Just walk away. There are people out there that aren’t this angry, I promise you. Lastly if after all this anger and arguing you haven’t gotten apology flowers, you’re never getting flowers. Girl let it go and let him go. You all keep trying to fix broken people who won’t even admit they are broken. Fuck me but sometimes this sub sounds like a broken record.
Skip the ultimatum and just dump him. Find someone who will do these things for you because if he wanted to, he would. If he wanted to make you feel loved for and appreciated, he simply would
> I know he loves me
Really? How would you know that he loves you?
You can’t change people who don’t want to change and it is clear he doesn’t think he needs to/wants to. He’s verbally abusive. You don’t need an ultimatum you just need to leave him. If you give him an ultimatum he may change for a little but to keep you around but he will revert to his abusive ways.
Not sure why you are staying with him since there are so many other things you dotn liek about him. Date the person is he now and not his “potential”. Because most people won’t ever meet that potential. Accept that you cannot change him. You’re not married. Dating is to see if you’re compatible and you re not compatible even if you take the abuse away.
Dump him, then get yourself into therapy and stay single for a while or you will continue to attract these abusive AH.
He sounds awful.
Jesus Christ. Just because he isn’t hitting you doesn’t mean he isn’t abusive. LEAVE HIM.
Don’t date someone hoping to change them into who you want them to be.
You two aren’t compatible, break up so you can both go find better partners.
If you have raised the issue and tried multiple times I’d advise you to move on. Loving someone and being attached to someone is not enough. And he has showed you who he is, and that won’t change unless he wants it to change.
How do you know he loves you? Because he said so? Takes more than that. You’re incompatible as a couple and this will not change. Time to move on.