I’m at a loss and could use advice. I’m in my late 30s and about 2 years ago I really embraced my kinky side. I’ve always been ashamed of my sexual side and never expressed it. Once I started telling my husband more and more of what I needed in the bedroom he was receptive, and we were having fun. I’ve been exploring more and getting more in touch with my sexuality. I’ve realized I have a DDLG and praise kink. He’s just not cutting it. It’s like he doesn’t even hardly try. I’ve sent him porn, blog articles, and ideas. He half ass try’s. I just gave up a few months ago.
I started chatting with someone on an app and It was literally 2 days of chatting but it was the happiest I’ve been in such a long time. He said the things that made me feel alive. It sparked a desire in me. He got me or so I thought. It was dumb and I’ve never cheated on my husband ever. I’m torn up over it though and it’s not because I feel like I did something behind hubs back. It’s because I know I’m never going to get what I need.
I’m sitting in the bathroom crying.
I’m not even all that out there with what I want.
I could use a pep talk, some emotional support, advice, idk. I have zero people I can talk to this about.
Edit to add: I’m not even asking for anything crazy and I give him mind blowing sex almost daily. I have an OF so I rewatch a lot of what we do and we’ll be lays there while I suck and fuck. I even think my videos are getting boring. It’s more of a power Sub/dom kink. I like being controlled in and out of the bedroom. I want a daddy but not like a little girl thing, more of a power thing. It’s so similar to DDLG but I don’t want to be a child. Think more 50 shades.
3 comments
First things first, you can’t force your kink on anyone. No one is obligated to oblige a kink in the bedroom and no one should be shamed for not doing something they don’t want to do.
Second, have you talked to him in an adult conversation about what you are looking for, what he is comfortable with, why he is / isn’t trying? Or have you been passive aggressive about it / just sent him reading material? It’s your kink. Not his. If you want him to participate, its on you to do the work to get him interested. He is already doing the work by trying some.
Third,
>It’s like he doesn’t even hardly try.
Is is that he doesn’t try, or is it that he doesn’t do it how you want him to do it? Or not as intense as you want? People often take a long time to get into a kink that isn’t thier own if they ever do.
My partner isn’t into anal, but she is slowly working her way into it, its been three years of slowly easing her into it and she is almost there but isn’t. That’s the kind of slow going I’m talking about, not like days…
Fourth,
> I give him mind blowing sex almost daily. I have an OF so I rewatch a lot of what we do and we’ll be lays there while I suck and fuck.
Are you sure its mind blowing sex for HIM, or is it mindblowing sex for your viewers / you? What does HE want from sex? I’m not sure if what you are doing is what he would describe as his fantasy or not, it might be and that might be why you are doing it, but if you are just going off of the “normal” version of mind blowing sex then a lot of people wouldn’t enjoy themselves. I know I wouldn’t.
I’d say overall… how much have you talked to him about it / asked what he wants / what he is willing to do / what his hang up is. In a supportive, non-demanding kind of way.
It really seems like you are frustrated, so maybe I took your words as more aggressive than they were, but it seems like you feel like he owes you this which you are the one changing the relationship dynamic. It is nice that you are coming to terms with this, but that isn’t something for him to fix, as it is for you both to figure out if there is a way to meet in the middle and for you to compromise as well.
I hear you, I was there three years ago. It was a 7 year relationship and there were a lot of other problems but sexually incompatibility was one of them. I wanted the same things you do and despite my best attempts he refused to try. I too met someone on an app, and here I am three years later laying on his bed hundreds of miles from where I lived when we met waiting for him to get home so we can do exactly the sorts of things I used to dream about.
I’m not saying to leave your husband for a man you meet on an app. There were a lot of other reasons I chose to leave my partner, and I wasn’t married so it was easier than a divorce but still emotionally very difficult. I guess I don’t know what my advice to you would be, only you know how you feel and what you are willing and not willing to live with. For myself, a life of not embracing who I am sexually felt like too much of a sacrifice once it had been unlocked. My partner now is amazing and we explore and indulge each other sexually often, his natural dominance is a huge turn on and I always feel satisfied in a way I never did in my previous relationship. I think it’s okay to want to be sexually satisfied in life, and sometimes the relationships that we thought were compatible don’t benefit us wholistically in a way that is entirely possible. It feels really good to be seen and heard and appreciated for exactly who you are in a relationship and it’s not wrong to want that.
Sorry to enter so late to the conversation.
” He needs lots of affection and I do not”
If you change the word to attention, that is the crux of the problem. He needs lots of attention from what you described, and honestly you do too.
The kink you are describing is a praise kink, you also sound like you are interested in a power exchange dynamic when you are a submissive, and you want to be dominated in and out of the bedroom.
None of which are really out there or big things.
You said something which I do not think is actually true, “Once I started telling my husband more and more of what I ***needed*** in the bedroom he was receptive.” Like many people, you might be confusing **want** and **need,** this is not to say you should not get what you want.
The sort of pain you are expressing is what happens when what we want and what we are getting are different. We envision one thing and get something else.
You said you don’t need affection, but I would not be surprised if you are maybe confounding attention and affection. After all, praise is a form of affection 9and attention). Being called a good little slut, sound like what you are really seeking out (assuming the word slut is not an issue for you.)
You have an OF account and post content, what is that, is it also “praise” seeking behavior and of course you get adulation and attention plus money.
Maybe breaking this down into smaller pieces to make it easier to determine where your vision of what you want, and your actual life are at might make it easier to figure out what constructive steps you could take. Your husband sounds a bit lazy, sure. Your husband might also be absolutely clueless about what you are wanting from him and what he is actually capable of supplying.
**Step 1.** Figure out what are the differences between what you want and what you actually need.
**Step 2.** Figure out why you are on OF and what components of step 1 it can fill. A change in content style might change the whole OF audience and experience.
**Step 3.** Have a serious conversation with your husband where you explain to him in specific actionable ways what you want from him now. Anytime or expectations of another person change, we owe them an explanation of what the new expectations are and when they are expected to occur.
Your situation is far from hopeless, and you have much more control of the outcome of it than you seem to realize. Sometimes it takes two or three difficult conversations to change the direction of a relationship.