I know this sounds like a stupid question, but this is something I genuinely have no idea about. I am 22 years old, and have only been on like 2 dates in my life, both of them getting takeaway, sitting on the grass and chatting for a couple of hours.
Now the problem I face, is that the “dates” usually end up just being random conversations, getting to know each other and stuff like that, and then there’s no “spark”. I try to keep the conversations light with some jokes here and there, and generally be myself. But lately I have been wondering if I am doing something wrong, since if I took out a friend to do the same thing, it would probably be very similar.
I should add that I am terrible with touch – I don’t know when/how to smoothly move my hand on to hers, or slightly touch her. Mostly just a hug when greeting and saying goodbye. Any advice is appreciated.
12 comments
In meetings at work I don’t give a shit about what the other person does on their free time, or what they’re interests them.
Just be in to the person you’re on a date with and let your personality do the rest.
I like activity dates like museums because it gives you things to talk about
Touch is not a requisite in a first date or any part of the relationship, but when the moment is right, itll happen
I like to say, Wow your hands are so pretty! And I put my hand out palm facing upward to initiate touch. If she puts her hand in mine, i kiss it
Just tell them it’s a date and specify it’s not a friendly date
Yeah, touch is the way to go, kiss is your goal
But there are other things: you can share food, feeding each other (oh, you need to try this its mind blowing), you can rest your head on her laps or let her rest in yours
One thing some ppl don’t get about touch is that it is not a fish on the line situation, where you’re trying to get closer and closer
It’s opposite, more like trampoline: you bounce, and get close and retreat and the more bouncing, higher amplitude the better
Sit down in front of your date and say, ” I am dying to get to know you better. Tell me all about yourself” Shut up, listen and show interest and enthusiasm. It will stop being an interview
I think a lot of times first dates can be confused with just meeting a new person, because that’s what they are. You are literally two strangers talking about your jobs, hobbies, families, friends… and that is normal.
But the smooth touch, if not on the first date, definitely needs to happen on the second one. Getting close as you’re walking and your arms slightly touching each others, a little touch in the arm here and there (for example: you open the door to the girl and gently touch her arm as a sign for her to go first), a touch on the hand… These type of very slight touches are very important to make a woman (at least me) feel like shes not just a friend.
Also: a kiss needs to happen sooner than later. Im sure some women wont mind waiting for a kiss, but if (in my experience) I go on 3 dates and there was no kissing, Im probably going to think the guy isn’t into me. Touch is an important love language and without it, two people are just friends.
> then there’s no “spark”. I try to keep the conversations light with some jokes here and there, and generally be myself. But lately I have been wondering if I am doing something wrong
unlikely. they are probably just not physically attracted to you. this is not uncommon. just keep going on dates.
Flirt, create some sexual tension/convey the idea that there’s a romantic future and that you’re going to be there for it. Subtly, slyly, with humor and charm not with a boner and goofy actions.
Watch some of the charisma on command videos that cover this. They’re not the be-all, but it’s a good start if you know nothing.
Read them a bit too, match and mirror positive body language and open posture. Smile when they smile, look them in the eye as much as you can without fixating. Lean in when they’re talking about something that matters to them. Don’t fidget or look around the room too much, or sit crossed up either. Resist the urge to gal-pal with long and platonic-vibe conversations until you HAVE done some flirting a bit. Don’t present as a platonic option, that’s the big mistake some guys do. It’s fine to be that, but not out of the gate.
The last date I went on, I met her at the door and she smiled and gave me a hug. As we walked in I told her I liked her dress (that’s as much complimenting as you should do on a first meet, imho). She said she wasn’t sure she would wear it because it looked like a wedding dress. I told her I could carry her across the threshold if she wanted. She laughed, I said, how about we just hold hands walking in we’ll look like a couple. She did, and I noticed she squeezed my hand….that’s a great sign, she was comfortable and responded to my touch. See? That’s stoking some date/physical/sexual stuff with words, then an innocent action without it being sexual or creepy.
I’ve failed at this hard, too, don’t get me wrong, but that’s the general idea.
Two activities! Haha This is totally my arbitrary definition. But back in college I decided a date was two activities. If you go get coffee then walk around the city with the person. That can be a date. If you two meet up and get coffee together then leave separately. Not a date, just a meeting.
Also, explaining this to people I’m talking to has been a silly way to broach the topic of what is and isn’t a date.
Look into date ideas that are experiences to share! Like ice skating or amusement parks. Shared experiences like that make for fun dates and it’s a great way to get to know someone!
If you act like *a friend*, you will be viewed as *a friend*.
The biggest difference between a date and two people “hanging out” is *romantic* intention.
A great date should entail some playful flirtatious banter, compliments, incidental touching while laughing/talking, holding hands while walking, sly smiles, lingering eye contact, discussions about favorite things and places you each enjoy, funny dating experiences, what you’re presently looking for…etc.
If the date was filled with chemistry and fun, you should lean in for a hug and kiss at the end.
Either way with this kind of effort made there will be no wondering *if* this was a date or not.
A fast rejection if it happens, beats languishing in the *friendzone* for weeks or months.
In a world with over 7 Billion people rejection just means: Next!
Most people you meet don’t become dates, most dates don’t become relationships, and most relationships don’t lead to marriage. As one adage goes: “Many are called but few are chosen.”
***”Dating is primarily a numbers game…. People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That’s just the way it is.”*** – Henry Cloud
Best wishes!
Yeaaah it stinks. There is almost never a spark for me either