Please no negative comments just advice. trust me all the negative things you wanna say i’ve said to myself.
I love my boyfriend we have been together for almost 4 years and we use to go on dates he treated me so well, and he had a good full time job when we were first dating. My boyfriend(28) and I (25) have been living together for a year and a half now. We had a decent savings, I found a job when we first got here and he wanted to do ubereats until he found a real job. When we first moved here he had childhood friends who lived in the city so we would go out at least twice a week to hang out with them and they would show us around the city. He is no longer friends with them because of previous problems they had before moving here.
Now all we do is go to work and go home, cook, clean, sleep because thats all we can afford. Maybe twice a month i’ll hang out with the two people that i’ve become friends with since living here. My boyfriend usually spends his time in bed watching tv or playing games which is fine but not when it takes from him going out to work (he still does ubereats) so he never has money and is even late on bills and rent.
i’m starting to feel stuck in life like this. His lack of money is making me step up financially with money that i don’t have which is making it hard for me to do even the things i need to do like afford to get my license so i don’t have to rely on my boyfriend to take me to work.
all of my money in savings has gone to bills and rent to the point where i barely have anything left. i’ve tried to bring this up to my boyfriend but he just gets upset and says that he does work all the time but if he did he would have money to show for it which he doesn’t.He says his money goes to gas and food but so does mine and i can still pay my bills on time. He also doesn’t want to get a real job if he can’t create his own schedule. I’m not sure what to even say to him at this point without making him upset or feel bad about his situation. i send him job listings, give him ideas on how to make money but he never does any of it. He talks about wanting to get married and have all these fancy things in the future but i can’t see how any of that would be possible if he doesn’t work???
I can’t afford to just leave and i know my boyfriend can be a hard worker j just don’t know what will motivate him to get his life together.
TL;DR: boyfriend doesn’t do anything to the point where i’m running out of money. starting to feel stuck and don’t know how to motivate him to do better.
8 comments
Nothing you say or do will make him change. He needs to do that on his own. Put yourself first and do what’s best for you.
You can’t afford to stay either.
He is happy to bankrupt you. Not working is more important to him than you are. He should be ashamed of that.
It’s ultimatum time – When your lease ends, you’re moving without him if he isn’t pulling his weight.
You have incompatible values. You value having enough money to pay bills, even if it means working a less than ideal job, and he values not working a job he doesn’t care for, even if it means being unable to pay bills. That’s a huge incompatibility and you should just break up with him.
I’m sure both of you can think of some date ideas that are low or no cost. That isn’t the issue here, but it is a sign that he is putting in little to no effort.
When it comes to chunks of money that will enable you to live a better life, like the money that you need to get a driver’s license, that’s a great place to borrow money from family or friends or to just ask for it as a gift if you don’t feel you can pay it back in a timely manner. Especially something as small as an application fee.
It’s important for you to understand the economics of what he is doing, because he doesn’t. Nobody likes to talk about this, but ride sharing and food delivery companies like uber and Lyft are basically scams that don’t pay for things like vehicle use, gas, maintenance, insurance, etc, so the actual wage that a person makes is very likely below minimum wage ($/hr).
When it comes to finances, the best possible thing that you can do to get out of that is to make more money, and the second best possible thing to do is to pay off debts. I understand that everyone needs time to themselves to cool off, but you should understand that people who struggle usually do a lot more. There are lots of people out there who are working two or even three jobs in order to make it. I just don’t see that in him. I don’t see him really trying.
I think that you should also understand that your personal savings are going under trying to pay for the bills, and it sounds like it is because he is not paying for his half. So, you are in a situation where he cannot afford to live the living that he promised, and he cannot afford to live the living that he is living now. I would never recommend that somebody is drown themselves in debt for a boyfriend, especially when they are doing this little.
I think that you should do what you need to do and probably get out of this situation. Maybe you can kick him out and get a roommate to pick up his half of the rent. Maybe you can let go and move someplace else with family until you recover your savings. But you need to do what you need to do.
He is already doing what he wants to do, and it has no consideration for you or your finances or your current drowning situation.
I’m not saying that you have to break up with him or do this or that. I think that that whole part of it will be solved as time goes by. Maybe both of you will do better as a couple not living together and not having your finances entwined.
End the relationship. You are not actually stuck, you are probably fine.
Your BF is fine with how things are because you are paying bills, he is not going to change or suddenly alter his behavior.
Find some roommates to live with and tell him you can no longer afford this relationship.
Looks like you will be the sole breadwinner in this relationship
you love your boyfriend. because you did all that for him.
your are 25, its a good age and already have a very mature outloook in life.
since your asking what to do with him, means he is still very important to you.
to give yourself justice, and someday, you can look at it in hindsight with peace knowing you have done your all, and your feelings for him its due.
talk to him straight and plain. tell him who he is to you, and how you feel about him. that he is a hard worker, he is just not placing his efforts in the right direction.
that settling down and ensuring a secure and comfortable family is not easy in these days and he knows that and that you both need to make dedicated effort now because each of you cannot make it alone. both of you have to ensure to make that future happen.
if his response and actions after you, having given him a very clear and straight talk do not look good.
then dont wait more years. you have to let him go.
for your sake, and his sake. you have to go.
this way, he will not enter marriage and responsibility when he is not yet ready.
and you can, prepare for your future as well. sometime on, you will find the right man, who values things, and sees things as you do.
he will grow better, because of this as well. he will re-evaluate his life and his rime to work things out.