Why am I such a good for nothing when it comes to socialization

I have diagnosed social anxiety disorder and have a very low social energy endurance when it comes to gatherings with friends.

I try my best to fit in, make jokes, mimic others so it takes less social effort but my heart is constantly beating so fast and I overthink too much that I zone out during conversations.

I usually end up just silently crying while trying to put on a poker face so I don’t draw attention.

I know that at the end of the day nobody cares but it makes me feel even worse

Is it stupid to want people to care about me while trying my best to stay in the shadows?

After long periods of socialization, I go into a depressive episode and over think until I end up wanting to hurt myself from self hatred.

But at the end it doesn’t really matter what I do to myself because the world keeps on spinning anyways. I only matter so much to myself.

I have a therapist, I am not asking for advice or reassurance, the only reason I’m posting it is for others to not feel alone because even I feel alone sometimes too.