I feel like a contradiction.

So I’m very confused about me as a socialite. I feel like I’m both socially adept and inept at the same time. I have no idea what exactly is wrong with me or how to fix it, but it feels weird because it feels like I accel really well in some social situations and then others I fail spectacularly.

So I have no problem talking to strangers. No problem. Dancing in front of strangers. No problems doing embarrassing things most of the time.

For context as someone who thought they were socially awkward for most of their life. I’ve done the following.

Door to door sales for about a year straight and I excelled at it. I went into stranger’s houses, sold them things and made friends well. Sort of. It was only embarrassing when I knew the person that I knocked the door of. But I was one of the best salesmans there

I taught sex ed during high school. I went to a vocational school and one of the courses was learning how to teach sexual education and I taught it to freshman. This included searching for embarrassing things.

I did both telle sales and a call center of tech support so most of my jobs involved speaking to people all the time.

I’ve gone in front of an entire school and did a talent show singing and dancing and all these other embarrassing things when I sucked at what I was doing. This is both during elementary School and high school. I got up in front of the entire school and sang my heart out even though I can’t have a pitch for my life.

I did public speaking for college and aced It. I got best speech every single time and I was told that I should consider speaking in the public professionally because it was honestly that great. I still don’t fully believe them, but that’s what they told me

My friend tells me that he thought I was really good at demanding attention that I could go into a room and get everyone’s eyes on me whether it would be good or bad

All these are things I was told to assume socially awkward people didn’t do that. They would die of embarrassment but yet I just got up there and did it

That being said, I can’t read room for the life of me. I wanted to ask this girl out and she ended up thinking I was talking her because I just never took the plunge. She called me weird and told me to screw off which was a real big shocker because I had no idea I was doing something wrong

The same friend who told me I was good at demanding attention. I broke his boundaries because he told me I shouldn’t do something and then my dumb self. Thoughts? I’m going to go do that. Even though they clearly stated multiple boundaries saying don’t do it.

I feel like I don’t have a lot of friends and annoy most people. I think I’ve always been an annoying person or at least that’s how I thought people saw me.

I’ve had people hit on me. At least I think. And then I had no idea what they were doing until it was too late and I had screwed up the opportunity.

I have had zero luck with online dating or dating in general. I find that if I push myself I can just be like. Hey yo, you want to go out and then after that it’s like wow I didn’t think it would work and then I just kind of fumbled the bag.

Ask for the friends I do have. I feel like I’m not their option one. I don’t have any true best friends? Sure, I care about them deeply but I definitely know that I’m not their number one friend or at least that’s what I think.

I think in general I have low self-esteem which leads me to lash out and try and be attention grabbing even when it’s not appropriate to do so. Overall, I feel like I’m very socially adept in some cases, but also very socially inappropriate. I see it in my mom where she’ll say things that are mean but she didn’t know they were mean or she thought it was perfectly okay to say. It’s like she’ll call people fats or she’ll be insensitive about a lot of things. And I can notice it in her and I’m sure I do the exact same thing.

Overall it’s like I’m socially blind but then after I do the things I then can notice that I probably shouldn’t have done that thing. Last thing I want to mention is that I’m alone often. I do work at a call center but other than that I stay home. I don’t really see too many people in real life and again it’s feels like I’m friend number five.

This is mostly a rant but I feel like I could use the perspective of strangers

Edit I want to say I have been diagnosed with ADHD and depression