Question for men: I’m 27(F): did I make a mistake by making the first move? Can women be too assertive?

36 comments

1. I would be totally cool with a woman making that move. Anybody that thinks you’re being forward or rushing is just crazy or jealous. Keep doing what you’re doing, you won’t have any trouble finding a good dude.

2. Who knows why he didn’t respond, it could have been anything really. Maybe he was seeing someone else. But for me personally, “I’d love for you to take me out sometime” would come off better than “I’d love to take you out sometime” for a first move. Just my 2c.

3. Becca, keep it up!! Guys definitely appreciate girls making the first move because it rarely happens.

4. I’m okay with it. Every guy will react different tho.

5. You put yourself out there in a way which perfectly aligns with your personality and confidence level. People love authenticity, don’t change a thing!

6. Yeah, this is an interesting thing. See, lot of guys who say they like girls to make the first move are the, I don’t know exactly how to say it nicely, the scaredy-cat types. They tend to not take action or feel insecure about going for what they want.

   But some guys are happy to make the first move and don’t really worry about rejection etc. In fact, many of these types of guys like being forward and leading. So when you aggressively approach them, they might appreciate the effort but find the dynamic unattractive in much the same way a girl might find a guy unattractive for NOT making a move.

7. I’d say that text was too forward. You probably need to build more of a connection before a date. Build the connection over a week or so and just hint your way to or push towards a date without asking to take the guy out. Unless it’s taking too long, then you make the move

8. I’m really into women who are assertive, can make shit happen, can be direct, etc. Even as we’re more societally accepting of that, I think most guys would need a moment to realize what’s going on.

   I’ve actually had women be forward a few times, and every time I have no idea it happened until it’s over. Even when I was head-over-heels for one woman, like in a “we have a lot in common and this is unreal” kind of way, it took me DAYS to process what happened.

   So no, you can’t be too assertive with the right person, just keep in mind they mind need a second to process your awesomeness.

9. I think you’re approach was fine. You never know what’s going on in someone else’s life or someone else’s head, so I wouldn’t read too much into it.

10. This is generally what it’s like for men, you’ll sometimes get hits and you’ll more likely, the majority of the time, get misses. Just gotta keep doing you, a lot of people like women who make the first move and in fact it’s preferred by a lot of people.

11. I am a man who has never had a woman initiate with me, so I can’t answer directly.

    Anecdotally, I have been in your position of initiating a conversation with someone I found attractive. We flirt and vibe for awhile, maybe even dance/play pool for a bit, I get her number, and even have made tentative plans with a potential date and activity in mind. When I text the next day to solidify the plans – nothing. Crickets. And this has happened to me more than once.

    All I am saying is that these things happen. It feels awful. But honestly, the reason why they ghosted most likely has nothing to do with you. Whatever it was, it’s their shit, not yours. So don’t overthink it.

    I think you’re a rockstar for initiating! Don’t let this eat away your confidence. This guy missed out on an opportunity. If you felt like you presented your most authentic self, that’s all that matters.

12. I have a different bit of advice. I belong to a sports club that meets once a week. Big group, many people know each other and there are always new people trying it out. It is relaxed. Not at all odd for anyone to talk to anyone else. Women coming over to talk to me is common, and doesn’t seem awkward for anybody.

13. I really don’t mind if a woman makes the first move, but if I was on the fence about whether or not I was attracted to her physically, I’d probably react negatively.

14. It might have been your text being too forward.
    If you rephrased it to: ….the other nigh and maybe we can go on a dat to get to know each other more.

    But he might not have been looking for a relationship and just wanted to have sex or was already in a relationship.

15. No. Things are way more complex. It’s just as likely that it had absolutely nothing to do with you at all that he didn’t respond.

    My personal guy perspective: if you’re assertive in general then you need a certain level of maturity and sensibility especially for a considerably older guy to appreciate it.

    I hope you don’t change anything about yourself based on responses in a reddit post. It’s impossible to say anything meaningful here.

16. So in the world of approaching it’s going to be similar to guys. You win some you lose some. You can’t be everyone’s cup of tea or in my case coffee so strong it curls your nose hairs

17. He just wasn’t that into you

18. Not at all! Shows your confidence and that you know what you want and go for it, very attractive to me personally. I think women should more be assertive and should just go for it rather than expecting a guy to pick up on cues.

19. You didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t know why this myth persists that men get turned off by women making the first move. We don’t. It’s just that not everyone is going to want to date you no matter what you do. Who knows why this guy didn’t respond. There could be any number of reasons.

20. You just had an experience that helps you relate to a lot of us initiators, Becca. Welcome. The one thing I believe you should change, for the sake of not coming on too strong, is your first text.

    Just say you had a good time, and see how he responds. Give him the space and opportunity to lead and make date plans. Maybe he doesn’t have to lead. Maybe he just needs a moment to wrap his head around this change of pace. Most men aren’t used to being pursued in a mature manner.

    You already went above & beyond most women by approaching this man and getting his number. If you lead in every single aspect, without giving him a chance to lead, then he may feel uncomfortable, weird, or emasculated. Even if he’s comfortable, your confidence and honesty can still get misinterpreted as desperation.

    Why is she so interested? Why does she seem eager? Isn’t she hot enough to wait for men to approach her? There may be nothing wrong with you, Becca. You can have a totally healthy mind & spirit. And I have no reason to doubt your attractiveness. But your actions can still trigger these kinds of thoughts in others. It has happened to me enough times, so I definitely speak from experience.

    Women have told me there is a fine line between honesty and desperation. As I continue gaining dating experience, I’ve come across women who are very interested in me, and not afraid to show it. They walk this fine line. And it has helped me see how I may have come across when I’m straightforward with women. It also helps me to give honest women who play no games the benefit of the doubt. The same benefit I wish women gave me, instead of skepticism and all that.

    Some people simply can’t handle someone who knows exactly what they want, and who isn’t afraid to go after it. But we can always refine our approach, and understand the other person’s position better.

    Next time, try a text with less pressure. “Hey, it’s Becca. Had a great time talking to you last night.” And if he is dragging his feet, then after some texting you can suggest going out. But at least he had a chance to take the wheel. Doing it immediately, in the context of you already approaching him and getting his number, can come off as too strong.

    I also can’t help but make this bonus observation. I posted a couple of days ago because sometimes, it feels like you can do everything right and still have a bunch of issues. And I see myself as my own harshest critic.

    However, the difference is people are taking your word for what happened as a woman. They are taking your word for how attractive you are. Most of the other replies I’ve seen are supportive, encouraging, and lack any kind of envy or skepticism.

    For me, I got a lot of “you must not be as interesting, original, or attractive as you think you are.” Essentially, rather than take my word for what happened, some people felt the need to “humble” me and pick me apart, thinking that was the help I needed. Although it’s possible I did everything right and some women just aren’t interested no matter what, or have their own issues going on, the default was to assume I did something wrong.

    Your positive self-esteem as a woman is celebrated. Mine was met with some disgust and envy. The word arrogant was tossed around a few times for having a positive self-esteem. And like you, I said certain things about myself but made it clear those are compliments I often hear from others.

    As a man, the feedback (even if helpful) was a lot more harsh. Perhaps I brought it upon myself because the post was a vent and not a calm description of what was going on. But the reason I bring this up is because society is ready for women to be more assertive and take some pressure off of men. And I think that shows in the tone of the replies you’ve gotten, FWIW.

21. There are too many unknowns to say whether or not it had anything to do with you approaching him first.

    My first impulse is to say that it doesn’t have anything to do with it actually. If you aren’t at all into someone you don’t spend an hour talking to them after they’ve made it clear they are interested. Then on top of that he reminded you to get his number.

    So any number of things could have happened between the end of your contact and the point at which he decided not to reach out.

    Maybe he was into the idea that might but “cooled” to it over time.

    Maybe he went out with someone else and wanted to see where that went and decided to ghost (lame)

    Maybe he was actually already seeing someone and just liked that you were interested and decided he’d spend the evening getting attention (lame)

    There are so many possibilities.

    I will say this – there are lots of men who appreciate women taking the first step and who wouldn’t be phased by it in the slightest.

    There are also men who might be thrown off by it or lose interest just because they weren’t the one to pursue. You can’t really tell who is who though so if you want to leave the door open then in the future you can be the one who says hello first but not quite as forward about your interest.

    I don’t know if you want to play those games though. Generally someone who is assertive like you are will also be that way in other areas of life and if a guy is turned off or can’t handle that aspect of your personality then it would cause conflict elsewhere in the relationship.

    Personally I think you should keep at it. The right guy will be receptive to all of you.

22. I am a woman who always approaches as well and I think your approach was great. It reflected your personality and who you are which was honest and a perfect way to start a relationship. I also start that way, I understand why you said what you said in the text, I would also call them cute cause some of them are and they don’t get to hear that very often. I think the reason why he didn’t respond is that he might have lied and wasn’t quite so divorced. Or he is still going through it and isn’t emotionally available enough to do more than flirt (but if this was true the decent thing would be to respond with that). So either way you did good. I also see this direct approach, as a way to screen men who are too insecure in their masculinity (if a woman approaching them can emasculate them) or too traditional, (to adhere to strict gender norms like their lives depend on it). In conclusion you win some you lose some. Keep being authentic and keep going. I am sure you will find someone great.

23. Can you come in too strong, yes. Did you, cant say over text because cadence has a lot to do with it. but nobody gets a base hit every time at bat.

    And even if he didn’t like the woman making the first move, is that the kind of relationship you want? To be limited in your agency?

    Personally, when a woman I don’t know approaches me like that, yeah my walls go up and I’m suspicious. Nothing to do with emasculation or anything, it’s because its an uncommon occurrence for genuine interest and I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop and her expecting me to buy the next round

24. You did everything right. He didn’t respond because he’s a jackass. He didn’t care enough about your feelings to even respond which to me is just rude. I’m not a big fan of ghosting when a few simple words will help the other person understand much better.

    If I’m having to guess he’s not actually single so tho he enjoyed the flirting in the moment he couldn’t take it into the next day and beyond.

25. I think it’s great keep it up.

26. I think you did great. I myself love a woman who is upfront and chases. Sounds like he chickened out, out of fear of screwing things up. I know that sounds crazy but people really do that. It’s their loss not yours. Best wishes

27. I am not going with the flow here. Been there being approached by woman that were coming way too strong. The thing is, it is so unusual and out of the norm that it makes you think it might be a bait for a prank or something suspicious.

    From what I read, he is attracted to you, wanted to make sure he gets your number by broughting it up again by his own before you split your ways and he is most likely very flattered. But it just becomes shady when you push it over texting as well on the following day.

    If you ever make the first move, leave it at that, and wait them to reach out to you for the second convo. Let them have a room for reciprocating their interest to you. That way, they will be less likely to think you are trying to setting them up for something off. Tone it down and it will be enough.

28. Honestly I think you’re just worried about like, dated courtship rituals. I’m a guy and I’ve never asked anyone out for anything past a hookup, but I’ve been asked out some 9 or 10 times in my life to be someone’s bf, and an unfortunate truth is just that sometimes you don’t mesh with a person like they think you do, and it would easily be the same if I asked someone out. Sometimes you shoot your shot and you get burned from it, but then you pick yourself up and move on. Sometimes, you’re already in a will they / won’t they situation and you don’t want to ruin a good potential relationship by entering one with someone you barely know. Sometimes they send you romantic signals and you just aren’t ready for romance yet, so you deny even a potential friendship so you don’t feel pressured into entering a relationship before you’re ready, or worse, play with someone‘s feelings when they’re looking for something you aren’t.

    But honestly, it makes me feel really giddy sometimes when I think back on being asked out by past partners, or by my current one of 10 years.

    Who you are as a person matters the most when entering a relationship or friendship. Everyone thinks they need to change how they act to seem more palatable, but then the people you meet aren’t going to meet you, they’re going to meet a flanderized version of you, and then they’d have to unlearn that to accept the real you down the line. That’s too needlessly complicated. You’re the type of person who knows when you like someone and doesn’t want to let a chance at a good thing slip by. Someone who appreciates that will be receptive to it, so don’t be afraid to show that side of you off.

29. Totally ok for women to make the first move.

    I got several gfs like that. Also met my waifu (9 years 2 kids now) by her starting the conversation.

    Life can’t move forward w us being passive.

30. 45m here. No criticism on that at all, I love it and would be thrilled if that happened to me.

    I do however believe in reciprocation. You put a lot of your own energy out there by making the first move. He then said “are you going to ask for my number of what?” So he responded but that is a pretty low effort play on his part, also putting the ball back in your court. You text him later- high effort. He flakes. Maybe he was less available than he made himself out to be when you met.

    Maybe next time give out your number and let him do the next piece of legwork? I think this is a case where once you’re already talking, it makes sense for a woman to expect a man to pursue a little bit.

31. honestly as far as i can tell you did everything right. whatever his reasons were probably didnt have anything to do w how youbwent about it

32. You didn’t do anything wrong. Who knows why didn’t respond. He might need more time, maybe he’s looking for a hookup, maybe he’s dating other people at the same time. Could be any reason.

33. I find when asking people out that I am more satisfied with the process when I immediately suggest a time and place. “Take you out sometime” is wishywashy and easy to ignore — work is still to be done, to finalize plans. So, practically, that is what I would suggest you change for next time.

    Though, I agree, just making the first move advances the ball down field enough to give you an advanrage here.

34. I’m not a man, but I’m going to chime in anyway: **Even if you do everything right, you’re still not guaranteed your desired outcome.**

    To echo what a lot of men are saying here, most men would love it if a woman directly showed her interest like this. From reading your story it sounds like you had a really solid interaction with this guy that went well.

    As others have said also, there’s a million reasons why he might’ve not texted back. He could’ve accidentally input one digit wrong in his number. He could have reconnected with his ex wife. He could have moved out of the state. You have no idea. I guess the point here is, don’t always assume that if you behaved differently, you’d get a different outcome. It’s a hard truth to sit with, but people are truly unpredictable and we can’t control their actions.

35. You didn’t do anything wrong. There could have been any number of reasons why he didn’t respond, and that’s on him.

    If you’re comfortable making the first move, continue to do so!

36. I don’t think women should make the first move. Anytime I have, things didn’t work out. I think biologically, most men need to chase. Be patient and let them come to you. You are the prize.