Man I (24 M) don’t even know where to start. Just a little background; I have a good paying job, I live on my own, I’ve been told by plenty of women and friends alike that I’m handsome (although I’m not the most physically fit) and I pride myself in living my life genuinely and authentically; Which the latter may be why I suck at relationships. There’s this youtuber named Sisyphus who talks about how we have two choices; to be loved or to be yourself. A lot of people put up a front or deceive people in the beginning of a relationship just to change or show their true character over time. With me, what you see is what you get. My character and personality stays fairly consistent throughout the past decade, standing strong on certain key principles like being loyal and being myself. Honestly, it helps me a lot in the sales job that I work in. So when it comes to getting women to sleep with me, I’m great at that. I have no issues building the rapport, making moves, and getting to business. I’ve always been a hopeless romantic since my teens and like honestly I never wanted to be one who “messed around”. I was a virgin at 19 and I decided to stop waiting around for a relationship and I got out there and started mingling. As far as the people I dated or talked to seriously, there’s one consistent thing that I’ve noticed. They always have a change of heart eventually; whether it’s 3 months in or 1 year in. They grow distant and cold. When I ask them what the issue is, a lot of the times they tell me they realized that I wasn’t right for them. A girl recently told me whether it was a lie or not that I was great and did everything right. That’s usually the response I get from most of the women that I’ve talked to in the past who I’m still in connection. Recently, I was talking to this girl (X) and she said although we had similar mindsets and it was rare to meet someone like me, that it didn’t mean we we’re destined to be together. For me I guess I’m just confused because like what are people looking for? Me and X got along famously, had great sexual chemistry, and embodied similar mindsets and mentalities that she even said was rare. Is that not enough? And it’s not like I’m just saying those things she agreed as well. I want to start a family and I want companionship. I been living by myself for the past 3 years in a new state and it gets lonely. It contributes to my depression. People say you should be comfortable with yourself and love yourself before looking for something serious. I love myself and I’m comfortable by myself. It’s a known fact that it’s scientifically proven that loneliness is just as bad as obesity and other major health conditions and causes depression. What am I doing wrong?
TL;DR: Definitely gonna have to read through this one, young bachelor (24 m) is great at flings but sucks at long term relationships. Trying to find a solution.
I appreciate all the answers and help.
3 comments
I mean, first of all, you’re 24.
It’s normal to date around and explore and have a variety of shorter relationships when you’re in your early 20s. It’s no big deal. There’s no reason to assume that there’s anything you’re actually doing “wrong.”
If you’re dating women your age, a lot of them may not feel ready to settle down, and may feel like you’re pushing that faster than they’re comfortable with.
That being said, most people want to feel like you want to be in a relationship *with them*, not that you just want to be in a relationship. So there may be an aspect of that as well.
The first thing I would say is: if you had to guess, what do you think the reason is? Surely you have some intuitive thought about what might have been missing in your relationship with X? Most of the time, our intuitions are in the right ballpark about this sort of thing about ourselves, we just don’t like to admit them to ourselves.
Also, since most people sanitize what they say to someone during a breakup, I would reach out to someone you dated a while ago, and who you are completely over, where there are no hard feelings. Be super clear. “I’m not looking for reassurance, I’m trying to understand how my behavior is impacting my relationships. What can you tell me about what the experience of being in a relationship with me is like? What would you change? Are there things you weren’t comfortable telling me when we broke up that I would be well-served to know?”
And then listen. Don’t argue. You can ask questions for the sake of clarity, but if you’re pushing back, she’s likely to shut down.
You are just now realizing that all of your romantic relationships have eventually come to an end. This is true of literally every romantic relationship from the beginning of time. In every instance the relationship ends in either a break-up or death. Those are the only outcomes.
You aren’t some outlier who chooses to live with authenticity. This isn’t what ends relationships. You can authentically be the wrong person for whoever you are dating. You can authentically connect with a person only to have them pursue opportunities in another city. stop overthinking things. You are 24 years old. You’ll eventually find that person who sticks around until one of you croaks.
P.S. stop following awful YouTube advice dudes.
I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. It helps to reframe and think about someone breaking up with you as the other person simply realizing that you’re incompatible before you come to that same conclusion. And that’s okay, that is life, and I believe there is something valuable to learn from each person that we meet and let into our lives. One day you will meet someone who’s heart is open and willing and will choose you, and it won’t feel difficult or strained. You just need to keep your heart open, as corny as that may sound. You will get hurt and hurt others, it’s an inevitability, but the important thing is to not close yourself off to the possibilities in this world, because love is in abundance. Also it may help to develop emotionally intimate connections with people that are not necessarily romantic in nature – such as a close friend or mentor. Best of luck!