I’m sorry if this comes across as insensitive, but I don’t know how else to put it.
We had our first child 9 months ago and it’s been extremely hard since then. We live in Canada and are immigrants so have no family support here. We had a great marriage before and felt this was the right time to expand our family but my wife has become an unrecognizable person since the birth.
She did a test at her family doctor which said she has mild PPD. She has always had anger issues (her words) and this is likely manifesting itself in ways that aren’t great. She does not take the medication prescribed to her because she says it makes her too sleepy and is not seeking therapy at the moment because she says she doesn’t have the mental space to do it.
Unfortunately for me, this means I bear all of her angst and wrath. I try my best to be sympathetic to her because I know it’s not easy but it’s hard to not feel like crap and I’m honestly being bullied. She yells at me for everything, keeps telling me what I’m doing wrong, gaslights me ALL the time and has on occasion thrown things at me and slapped me. I have tried telling her family about this but have been shut down quickly and told indirectly that I need to do more.
On the baby front, I’m doing my best to do as much as I can. I work from home and am available as much as possible through the day. We have a babysitter whom comes in twice a week for 3 hours so my wife gets some time to herself then where she goes out..I do all the cooking, cleaning, washing bottles, grocery and laundry. Diapers changes and feeding is split halfway.
I’m coming to my wits end now and really not sure what to do and when this ends!
11 comments
It’s not the depression making her abusive, it’s her.
I don’t mean to be THAT Redditor, but divorce. Sorry man.
I make an effort to take my meds so that I don’t cause others emotional pain or bring them harm (I have bipolar disorder). It’s unacceptable to not take your meds in a relationship. She is abusive straight up and you are obviously not her priority, otherwise she would seek therapy and take her meds.
Be honest with yourself. Can you imagine this woman raising your kid? Your kid is going to have childhood PTSD and severe mental issues with a mom like that. Document her activity, file for divorce and get full custody for the sake of your kid.
> has on occasion thrown things at me and slapped me.
Nope. She either takes her medication and goes to therapy, or you walk away. She’s emotionally and physically abusive. She needs help, and you *and your child* need to be safe.
Many women have PPD and are not abusive. It is not okay for her to be physically and emotionally abusive towards you. This is not a matter of you “not doing enough” at home or with the baby. The sole responsibility for her violence and aggression lies with her.
[You might try contacting the Canadian Centre for Men and Families, which has a domestic abuse program for male survivors](https://menandfamilies.org/). They offer legal support, peer counseling, mentorship, and fathers programs. Perhaps they can assist you or direct you to an agency that can.
Also, [here is a safety plan for men in abusive situations](https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/domestic-violence-against-men/art-20045149) created by the Mayo Clinic. It’s a good idea to put together a safety plan to keep yourself as safe as possible while in the home with her and especially if you end up deciding to leave.
She gets help or you walk away and file for divorce . I would also tell her that the next time she hits you that she will be going to jail! There is ABSOLUTELY no reason for violence and I personally wouldn’t trust her around the baby since it’s so easy to hit. Good luck
Mental health sucks to deal with, but you can’t force others to live in abusive situations while not taking meds or doing therapy and then try to act as if it’s the illness
When someone has mental health issues, and they’re in a relationship, it is their absolute obligation to you to take their medicine, go to therapy, etc. Her not doing so is a betrayal of you, because she’s choosing to keep abusing you because it’s easier than taking responsibility for her illness. She deserves for you to divorce her for this alone.
Even if she were not non-compliant, mental health is an explanation for people’s actions, but not an excuse. You should never endure or excuse abuse. If she can’t stop abusing you, then she’s not healthy enough to be in any relationship. If the can, then she’s no different than any other abuser. Either way, you leave.
If it’s legal where you are, start recording her bad behavior. When you have enough, talk to a lawyer about starting a divorce lawyer about divorce and an emergency custody order due to her instability and anger problems. Also use it to show you’re the primary caretaker of the home, even though you split baby duty.
Give her an ultimatum: she can either start taking responsibility for her PPD and take her Rx and get accustomed to it, or you’ll have to separate.
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>I have tried telling her family about this but have been shut down quickly and told indirectly that I need to do more
Get a nanny cam to record your interactions with her and then show them the worst footage.
Keep a daily diary with all of the chores you have done each day, and tally diaper changes you’ve done too, etc.
Can someone in her family, parent or sibling or best friend, come visit for a few days? You need someone to see this from the outside and talk to her and work as a buffer.
Do this for a week, then show them and also sit down with her and show her; record that as well. Tell her that either she does what the doctors said, or you are going to have to split up.
You need to ask her to talk to her doctor to change the medication or the dosage. You really need like an intervention so she goes to therapy, even if you have to go with her to the first session; maybe you can also check if you can get a therapist from your country to do online sessions… if English is not your first language, doing therapy on another language plus the culture barrier, it’s much more work and effort.
I also recommend hiding your baby’s birth certificate so that she cannot get a passport.
She is abusing you mentally and physically. Being abused is not “acceptable” and having “mild” PPD does not suddenly entitle you to become a monster to your spouse. Divorce before she starts doing from slapping to punching to worse. Once she feels she can get away with a slap she will only get worse especially considering she is doing nothing to deal with any of this other than to abuse you.
Like a year in to dating my cutrent partner of 5 years, they were struggling really heavily with suicidal ideation and depression and I literally said go to therapy or I can’t do this. Like either try to grow and improve or I can’t be a part of this. I’ll help you find someone, take you to appointments when I can, and support in anyway I can, but you have to show up and try.
They ended up in the hospital and I visited every weekend. Its been 3 or 4 years since then now and they still see someone once or twice a month and have improved so much in their ability to cope with existence and communicate better. We have both healed a lot in these years but it really does take work.
Set the ultimatum. Give her till the end of 2023 to make improvements, see someone, treat you better, maybe couple’s counciling, counciling for you too, maybe a hobby or trying meditating. Please stand up for yourself. You both deserve better.