I’ve been seeing this girl for a few weeks now, and we’ve been getting along really well (which is why finding a nice way to end this is going to be difficult). Anyways, she’s shared some information with me the last few days that really creeps me out, and it’s quite honestly a deal breaker. Not really sure how to go about this without offending her.
16 comments
Anything in particular?
You could just be honest.
Tell her the truth, what she told you is deal-breaker for you, no body’s fault just can’t work for you
Just be honest and say you enjoyed spending time with her but don’t see things going anywhere, wish her well in the future but don’t tell her she creeps you out.
Well it certainly depends on what kind of deal breaker is, I can’t tell you more with the info you gave us.
I would just be vague, yet firm. Just say like, “I enjoyed spending time with you but it’s not going to work out between us.” If she tries to press you for details just don’t respond
Do you have to tell her that at all? I get for you she’s had to many partners for you personally, as well as she has kinks your not into but you don’t have to bring that up. Just tell her you don’t feel you two are compatible and move on.
She sounds like she might have been abused when younger and needs help. While that is not a reason to stay with her, if you sincerely talk to her about this, she may dump you rather than deal with trauma. (Hopefully, she may consider counseling or I am totally wrong and she is just kinky and will be offended by the suggestion)
Reading your comments, I think the issue is that you have boundaries that do not include BDSM, and she has desires that go deeeep into very dark corners of (what some might call) BDSM and beyond.
My advice to you is to have a sit down and talk through sex. Talk about what you are comfortable with and what you do not ever want to do. Define your relationship and leave nothing to wishay-washy.
Tell her that you are not, will not, and do not want to be, abusive, and what she described to you is extremely abusive and completely crosses the line.
Listen to her talk about her desires and fantasies as well, and tell her in no uncertain terms what you are not comfortable with and what you do not want to do.
And be careful about opening up to “experimentation”. Plenty of people will say BDSM is healthy and good, but I honestly consider that argument disingenuous. It’s similar to the gun lobby’s arguments against gun control: sure there are responsible gun owners but they are NOT the representative portion of the people.
Sure (maybe) there are respectful BDSM relationships but I do not believe that they are the representative majority, I think they’re the figurehead minority that the majority of abusers and abusees hide behind.
EDIT: your question did not seem to imply that you wanted to break up, however a lot of the more experienced commenters have suggested that is the logical conclusion.
There’s not a gentle way to do it. You vaguely break up with her and she’s going to push til you tell her why and freak out. You tell her why she’s going to freak.
Just accept you’re the bad guy here, end it and move on.
Because I know people will be like how is he the *BAD GUY* for having a **prEferEnCE**
He’s the bad guy because he entered a relationship with someone he’s clearly incapable of communicating with. He’s judging her “body count” (🙄)
Be honest and tell her the truth.
First off, you’ve only been seeing each other for a few weeks, so you need to stop being so concerned about her feelings. Dating is how we determine whether or not someone is compatible. She is not. End of story.
Secondly, do you really think that she hasn’t experienced this same reaction from other men about her kinks? Because, let me assure you, she has. Probably many, many times.
So, let go of your concerns and just tell her that you think she is a pleasant enough person, but you aren’t interested enough to continue the relationship. You have absolutely no responsibility to explain anything. Then, just don’t ask her out anymore and discontinue communication. If she demands answers (you said she is somewhat aggressive), just block her.
It’s really not that hard, OP.
You can have boundaries and still be nice. Tbh this is going to hurt her no matter how nice you are. Me personally I would rather someone just be honest and blunt with me not tell me what he thinks I want to hear. Of course a lot of people are not like me with wanting brutal honesty.
Just tell her it’s not working for you and you won’t be seeing her again. Why do you need to go into detail, it’s only been a few weeks, it’s hardly a serious or committed relationship.
Just tell her that you think she’s a really cool person but that you’re not compatible romantically or sexually. No need to kink shame or give her feedback.
Just break up with her.
You don’t have to say anything about her kinks and body count. Saying that it’s not working for you should be enough.
Just tell her that you don’t think you’re compatible but you wish her the best.