[22M] [21F] Gf/ex has an abusive family who is passive-aggressively making her push me away. She doesn’t know what she wants.

Me = \[22M\]

Gf/ex \[21F\] codename: Maria

Gf youngest sister \[18F\] codename:

Lena Gf middle sister \[19F\] codename Crystal

Gf mother \[50F\] codename: Julie

My mother \[44F\]

I had been in a relationship with my GF (now Ex) for just over a year and a half. During this time I’ve watched her family (mainly her mother and “Crystal”) do and say awful things to “Maria” and “Lena” while putting “Crystal” on a pedestal. I have not witnessed any physical abuse, but “Lena” has mentioned it has happened to her before.

We recently broke up on the 27th because of how many arguments we’ve had about how her family treats her and how it affects our relationship. For the entire time we were together, I was trying to be supportive of what she told me she wanted, but she’s never really been asked what she wants before now because of the abuse. She has lived her life feeling that she is worth less than “Crystal” because it is painfully obvious that “Crystal” is her mother’s favorite daughter. This is likely due to the fact that they are basically the same person. They have the same body type, same personality, same interests, etc. “Maria” on the other hand is much more similar to her father. She doesn’t share many of the same interests as her mother and 9/10 times their conversations quickly turn into arguments.

Her mother, who has some form of alcoholism, is very narcissistic and cruel towards her. “Maria,” thinks she’s fat (completely untrue) because of how many comments her mother has made about her weight. She thinks she’s not pretty enough (also extremely untrue) because of how often her mother compares her to her “Crystal”. “Julie” is unable to take any form of criticism and will either ignore it or blame “Maria” for it happening in the first place. This was evident after “Maria” sent a super long and detailed letter to her mother about how she felt, and when my mother read it, she sobbed. “Julie” didn’t seem to care and just didn’t want to talk about it. “Maria” by her own choice decided to move into my family home for the past year (other than when she is at her university house). After a concert where “Julie” got super drunk while she was supposed to be in charge of “Lena”, “Lena’s” boyfriend (who recently had knee surgery and couldn’t walk), “Crystal” and two of “Crystal’s” friends. “Crystal” got so drunk that night that “Julie” took the wheelchair that Lena’s bf was using and let crystal use it while he hobbled on crutches. She was also supposed to DD from the concert but ended up making it “Maria’s” problem, even though she had her own separate plans.

Since she has lived with me, she has received enormous amounts of emotional support from not only me but also my family members, mainly from my mother. I have by no means tried to force her to continue living with me, but every time she’d go home she would come back a different person. She’d either be pissed off because “Julie” didn’t respect her or sad because she didn’t feel welcomed at home, or sometimes a mix of both because her mother made her feel like she wasn’t loved in her own home. While she was moved out “Julie” went out and bought a dog that “Maria” is allergic to, for no other reason than “Julie” wanted it.

I recently attended “Maria’s” university ring ceremony, and not only was her mother late to the event, but she also whispered in my ear “I don’t even want to be here” while “Maria” was taking pictures after the ceremony.

Both myself and “Maria” are very blunt, so I have expressed my concerns about her mother and have tried to ask her for the benefit of me, her, and our relationship, to come up with ideas of what to do, so we don’t have to deal with the attitude and conflicts from “Julie” as often. Over the Christmas season, she has spent a good deal of time at her own house and is still slightly in denial that her mother is abusive. “Maria,” tells me that she’s not happy at home and doesn’t like the way she’s treated, so I have tried to offer solutions. I’ve suggested writing a note of how she felt and sending it to her mother, but that did nothing. She tied having a face-to-face conversation with “Julie” and it ended up with “Julie” blaming everything on “Maria”.

The only other idea I have left is for “Maria” to distance herself from her mother. I have made it VERY clear I’m not asking her to shut her family out, but rather, to not rely on them as much since they aren’t very reliable. She broke up with me because when she returned home (on Christmas day) her mother wasn’t abusive. They had a great Christmas which I was very happy about but later finding out that her mother uses the fact that she’s living with me to justify why “Marias” opinions don’t matter in her own household. We both knew neither of us wanted to but it got to a point where we were both drained from arguing about distancing her mother. I never wanted to make her have to choose between her mother and myself because that’s not healthy. At this point, her mother is subconsciously telling her to choose and trying to get “Maria” to leave me so that ”Julia” can have her “servant” back.

Since she broke up we had very little contact, until New Year’s Eve. She went downtown and I spent the night at a friend’s house, around 1:30 am she called me, she was stuck downtown because her friends abandoned her, her mother was drunk, and her father didn’t feel like driving down to pick her up. She had to call me because she has no one else who supports her in that way. This made me feel awful for her, and it made her feel even more worthless. At this point, it’s clear we both still really want to be together, and we both still love each other, but I have expressed clearly, that I am in no mental state to continue dating her if her mother has this much control over her life, my life, and our relationship. I have been the biggest support for her to know that she deserves better, and when we broke up we both knew she had no one else to go to. She has my mother’s phone number and calls/texts her frequently for support. I obviously still really love her and I know she still loves me.

I have run out of patience for watching her get abused. One night she will be super pissed at her mom and won’t want to interact with her, but then the next day going and spending the whole day with her mother as if nothing happened. It’s a vicious cycle of “Maria” being sad because her mother abuses her, she comes to me for love and support, she eventually decides to go back home for a bit and it happens again.

I’ve been able to convince her into therapy and to take her anxiety medication on a consistent daily basis, but I don’t know what else I could or should do. She wanted to spend last night at my house because she hates living at home, I offered for her to stay on the couch since this chain of events has happened before, and while I still love her I have to protect myself to a degree. She later decided she wanted to go back home because she feels like she has to choose which family to belong with, one that would help her to get better but require a lot of work, or the easy option of cutting me out and living with the abuse.

She is in university for psychology and I asked if she thought this could be a form of Stockholm syndrome, she initially laughed it off until I asked her what Stockholm syndrome was, I saw her face melt when she realized that it could likely be a possibility for her situation.

I don’t know what else to do to show her I will support her 110% with any decision she makes, as long as it is HEALTHY.

Should I continue to work with her and try to help her out of this situation, hopefully eventually rekindling our relationship, or should I just walk away?

TLDR; Gf broke up with me because her abusive mother pushed her away from me. She doesn’t want to lose me and I don’t want to see her fall backward. I’ve asked her to try to distance herself from her mother, but she seems to always end up going back and getting hurt again.