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He’s asking for advice and you know something that might help? Tell him don’t worry about sounding rude.
Just be straight up honest
Good friends are honest even if it hurts feelings.
Something along the lines of “the only thing you can change is what’s under your control”. It might be personality traits, attitudes and biases, or even just choice of partners. Be tactful about it, but make him aware that just blaming others – even if it’s genuinely their fault – won’t actually help him.
You can be honest without being hurtful.
You might start by tactfully saying “you might consider looking at how your own behavior helped contribute to this.”
If he gets super defensive like “nuh uh, it wasn’t my fault!” then that means he’s not ready to hear it and you can back off. If he seems open to the conversation, continue.
Ok so you think you know the problem, right? Don’t just say this is the problem but ask him probing questions about his actions and relationships that lead into what you believe the issue/s to be. Basically show him what the issue is by analysing his actions with him, don’t just tell/lecture him. That is rarely a productive way to correct behaviour.
Are you asking because you really want an answer or are you just venting? Because if you want an answer I can give it to you. I just have to warn you, you might not like it
If you’re just venting, you can vent. But please understand, this is a serious subject and I do have somethings I’ll need to talk to you about
Tell him the truth, in a calm & constructive manner.
If he’s a real friend, he’ll appreciate it and start working on the issue(s). If not, well – his loss.
Turn it around. What do you think your ex’s would say about where things went wrong.
They’d say I don’t pay attention to them
They’d say I drink too much
They’d say I have no ambition.
Get him to step outside himself and think about how he’s being received instead of thinking about what he’s putting out
If he’s your friend and you love him you’ll be honest with him
Had a buddy like this (sadly passed away) but his 1st 2 wives cheated on him but found happiness the 3rd time. Don`t give up.
“This is coming from a good place but this is what I see as the issue….”
Do you want comfort, or do you want the truth?
Can you tell us what is about him? If you’re more specific we could probably give you a more specific answer.
In the spirit of transparency, I can admit I’m also just curious.
Be honest, but constructive, not one on those “brutally honest” assholes.
Also, add bits that suggest it’s your PoV, not the absolute truth. “From what I’ve seen”, “I don’t have all the details, but it would seem”, “this is just how I see it”.
One of my favorite lyrics is “I’m sorry, that, I’m getting on your case, true friends will stab you in the face!”
Is your friend/friendship strong enough to hear the truth and be accountable?
If not, get better friends.
I had to have a “real talk” moment with a former friend about his behavior and…
That’s why he is a former friend. He couldn’t handle that feedback. He wanted me to join in blaming the world for his problems, and resented when I told him where **he** needed to improve.
And yes, he asked me for this information.
Others in the circle have stepped away from him for similar reasons.
Ask him what he thinks is the issue.
Make him being part of the problem more palatable by highlighting that it’s very sensible of him to be asking himself his question and thinking about it since he’s been the common denominator in his relationships. Support him by saying that this sort of introspection is healthy and important for his personal growth.
By keeping it open ended you open up the option of him realizing things and giving info that you haven’t considered.
The first time, chalj it up as a learning experience and grow from it. The second time and +, that’s a you problem to sort.
> “What’s wrong with me?”
“Have you asked a therapist that question?”
The time for being nice is out the window. Be a good friend
“You’re putting the pussy on a pedastool”
Put it in financial terms.
After being cheated on in 4 consecutive serious relationships and then marrying a woman who was a secret drug addict, I decided that I’m a shit judge of character. At least in romantic relationships. My divorce cost me $500K. That’s incentive enough to not do it again.
It’s okay for you to go to counseling too if your friends are stressing you out.
I’d go for a “work on what you can control” approach. You don’t have to say it’s his fault since it doesn’t even matter whose “fault” it is.
“have you thought about doing therapy to work through the issues that have arisen in your failed marriages?”
Keep asking him questions that ultimately bring out responses that allow him to see it himself.
If he’s you’re friend. Just support him. Truths hurt and nobodies ever ready for it. Ask him questions that let’s him answer it himself. “When do the problems start?”. “Is there anything you wouldn’t like about yourself or you were the other person?”. Or tell him maybe he needs to talk to a therapist to sort that out. Coming out with blatant truths while effective can destroy friendships if the other person isn’t mentally mature enough to handle it.
” Do you want my honest answer, or do you want the one that’ll make you feel better.”
I use this one when I really need to tell someone something important. Noone ever says ” Give me the one that’ll make me feel better unless they ABSOLUTELY know they aren’t ready to hear something like that.
If you think he is the type who can take criticism constructively and use it to shape his development then just give it to him straight, no bullshit. If you think he isn’t the type to be able to take criticism well… pretty shitty person to have as a friend.
Just out of interest are you male or female?
“Look man… I think I know what the issue is and I can tell you, but you have to keep in mind that I don’t think anything less of you for being in that situation. You aren’t your flaws and it is hard to breach this topic because I wouldn’t want to hurt you even by accident or to suggest that you are hopelessly broken when you are just a guy with challenges like anyone else…”
Then you tell him if he wants to hear it, and then suggest him to talk it over with a professional regardless, because no one should feel ashamed to get help on a problem that weights heavily on them.
Do you want me to be the friend who doesn’t talk about this stuff and where you can have time not worrying about this shit and just both about it and chill.
Or do you want me to be the friend who just tells you the harsh real shit you are looking for so you have the information and can decide what to do.
I’m down for either option.
Give him a compliment sandwich to lessen the blow and reinforce that you are still rooting for him.
“Hey man, from what I have seen of your relationships you are really good at ______. (2ish examples).
However, I have seen _____ and I can see how a partner would not be too jazzed about that. (example 1)
Don’t get me wrong. This doesn’t invalidate all the good things you do bring. (example).
I am here if you want to try to analyze things more deeply if you don’t want to get stuck in your own head. I get that everything is still fresh though so don’t feel like you need to do so now.”
Time for therapy
Solution is simple – don’t get married a third time.
Old gal here. Suggest he talk to a therapist. Do not embroil yourself in this. No good is likely to come of it. Offer him support, but steer clear of entanglement.