Hi,
TLDR; – Girlfriend broke up with me, and left me for another guy. I was gonna propose to her in a few months. Family and friends are all in shock that this happened. I am still in love with her and want to get her back. I wan’t to listen to yours perspective about our situation and help me get through this.
And now to the topic. I am a male who just recently got dumped by his girlfriend and I’m trying to understand what happened. I think I need some woman perspective on this, so I decided to ask you.
Some background about us. We were together for almost 4 years and living together for almost 3. This was my first girlfriend, she was in few relationships before me. I thought that we were happy and nothing could tip me off that something was seriously wrong with our relationship (of course we had a few things that could be better, but who doesn’t?). I was planning on propose to her (I even had reservation made for our trip where I was gonna do it) and certainly I were 100% sure that this is the woman of my life. We even adopted a dog from the shelter and was planning to buy together a house.
Few weeks ago my girlfriend said that “we need to talk”. Immediately I felt that something is seriously wrong and I was right. My girlfriend told me, that we need to give ourselves some space to “discover what we really need and feel”. She said that she didn’t feel chemistry between us (I asked her if she felt that way from the beginning and she said “No. Sometimes I felt it, but not all the time”) and although our relationship is great she felt something from someone else and don’t know what to think. And that’s not a breakup, we just need some space.
I was devastated, because in my eyes our relationship was great and I didn’t know that she felt that way. I didn’t know what to do, but I felt that it’s something serious and maybe this space is something we really need (although I didn’t want it). Immediately I thought about what can I do to make it better. I started searching within me what did I do wrong and how could I correct it. How WE can survive as a couple. I came to the conclusion that we’ve had communication issues, mostly in terms about talking of our feelings. So obviously I felt that we need to communicate better to get through this. I felt that we really need to get our feelings on a table. But she didn’t want it. I even wanted for us to go to couple therapy. She didn’t want that too. I thought of going away together for a few days, with our phones turned off and focusing only on us, our feelings and talking about them. This too didn’t happen because she didn’t want it. I was hurt, but at that time I thought that giving her some space would be the best I can do. So I did it and it helped me a little. I realised how much I love her and that I wan’t to spend the rest of my life with her. I asked her few times what happened (because she didn’t give me specific reason), but she said that she isn’t ready to be 100% honest with me, because it would destroy me. And that we could break up and maybe get back together.
We were living together at that time but she was coming only to take our dog on a walk, or go to sleep. After a week, she told me that she is moving out. And told me whole truth. She felt something to another guy (I know him too. We met him few months back) and that guy felt something for her. She told me that she didn’t want it to happen, that I’m the best guy she ever met, but that feeling was stronger than she, and she couldn’t be with me with feelings for another guy. And that she is moving out (because it would be unfair to me, living together). And she is moving in with that guy.
He was too in a relationship at that time and too broke up with his then girlfriend. And that hurts. It hurts a lot and I’m smashed to pieces right now. Obviously we didn’t spend Christmas together at her family. But I visited them after Christmas (I have very good relations with her family, they treat me like one of their own). They knew what happened and was as shocked as me, that it happened. They said, that their daughter never acted like it. And was wondering if someone could have influence over their daughter, because they don’t believe that she did it on her own. Our mutual friends (even this close one) were shocked also. They saw us as this perfect couple. And I saw us that way too.
I still love her. I don’t believe what happened and I want to wake up from this nightmare, only to realise it was only a nightmare. I am certain that she was seduced deliberately, because that guy doesn’t strike me as a type who respects others feelings (as I said I know him too). And she felt for him. We were almost 4 years together so naturally our fire from beginning of our relationship was smaller. And by constantly flirting with her, that guy started a much bigger fire and she felt that she has feelings for him.
But I still want to get back together. Of course I am hurt. She broke my trust. In a few weeks from happy couple planning our future trips together we went to breakup. She said to me that she don’t know if this is the best decision for her, but she wanna try (with that guy). Knowing that guy and knowing my girlfriend I don’t suppose that their relationship will last long. And I still have hope that we could get back together. I could forgive her everything that she done to me. All I ask is giving us another chance.
All of this is weird, because it happened so quickly. I don’t know what to think of that entire situation. Maybe some of your perspective could help me understand what happened.
9 comments
So sorry this happened to you.
It sounds like your gf got infatuated with someone else and instead of dealing with it in a healthy way she chose to cheat (emotionally at least). This tells you she is not what you are looking for long term. In a long term relationship you will have crushes on other people…but your commitment and loyalty to your partner should see you through.
I agree with your assessment. I don’t think her new relationship will last. Relationships that begin with affairs rarely last. He will likely cheat on her the same way he cheated on his last gf or vice versa. She will likely come crawling back to you because she will realize what a catch you are. Not all guys are as eager to work on the relationship and as communicative as you. I’m almost positive she will regret it.
Affairs do have a lot of chemistry. An immature person can equate that chemistry with real chemistry but it’s not. Affairs are forbidden love/lust so of course it is more exciting. Your gf chose to leave a solid relationship for fleeting chemistry. You can’t blame it all on the guy. It is her fault too.
Assume the relationship is completely over. Give yourself time to grieve. You will get over this and I think you might eventually be glad this happened and she showed you who she really way.
I’m so sorry for the hurt. Take good care of yourself now.
>I am still in love with her and want to get her back
Why? So she can do this to you again?
Shit, I’m so sorry dude. From the sounds of it, you tried to save things when you learned that she was unhappy. She wasn’t willing to meet you halfway. That’s not your fault.
>I am certain that she was seduced deliberately
Eh… this line of thinking basically absolves your ex of any responsibility. As if this other man is a wizard who cast a love spell on her. No. She had agency in this matter. She had a choice to turn away from him when she started to develop a crush. Instead she leaned into it. She’s an asshole.
>I don’t know what to think of that entire situation.
I only have your side of the story, but considering her family was also shocked… It seems like your ex is very good at hiding her true feelings. When someone is deceptive and secretive, there’s only so much you can do.
You know what I think happened? I think she cheated on you with this guy and decided to leave you for him. It explains the secretiveness. it explains the shock that even her family feels over this seemingly-sudden break up.
Cheaters cheat, so she and this guy will almost certainly betray each other down the road. She’s set herself up for a trash-tier relationship by acting like a gross skeeze with another gross skeeze.
In the long run, it’s better that you didn’t marry someone who has no loyalty – someone who refuses to be emotionally honest until its too late – someone who doesn’t respect or sincerely love you. I know right now this is extremely painful, and you still love her. In time you’ll heal and hopefully come to recognize that you deserved MUCH better than what she offered you.
> They said, that their daughter never acted like it. And was wondering if someone could have influence over their daughter, because they don’t believe that she did it on her own.
So a lot of this post is framed around blaming some external reason for your ex-girlfriend’s behavior. If this other guy hadn’t blah blah blah, she wouldn’t be acting this way, she wouldn’t have left, she would still have feelings for me, she would know what she really wants.
You gotta stop that, first of all. You have to start blaming her, because it was her decision to end the relationship. She’s an adult. She was not brainwashed. She was not groomed. She was not kidnapped. She made this decision of her own accord to leave you, and even if it’s only what she ends up wanting for a temporary period, it is at this point in time what *she wants*.
You can do better than someone who, even temporarily, wanted someone else desperately enough to leave you for them. You can always do better than someone who is not willing to put you first. Waiting for her to possibly change her mind and ask to get back together is doing yourself a disservice on top of being a gamble in the first place.
You don’t always get to understand why someone left you, what it was they liked more about another person, but what you do get to do is look for someone who *wants* to put you first and wants you in their life more than anyone else. There is a period of hurt that you have to get through first, but freedom exists beyond it, and so does happiness. You just have to choose that.
This might also be worth reading and internalizing: “Chasing your ex is the stupidest thing you can do after being dumped. They left you because they wanted less of you. So how will giving them more of you — more of the same desperate treatment — going to change their mind? Spoiler: it won’t. So give your ex what they want: space. Let them come back to you at their own pace. Let them go completely, and if they ever reach out again, take it from there. This isn’t only the most effective course of action; it’s also the most honorable one.”
It still focuses on “getting them back” a bit much in my opinion, but the important things are there: you don’t get someone back by ignoring the feelings they’ve expressed.
You’ve got to eat that L. DO NOT chase her. I know you heart hurts, I know it sucks but you’re going to have to take that shit on the chin and move on. Channel that rage into something else. Get a Golds Gym membership and get your finances in order.
Again, this shit is going to hurt for a minute but trust me when I say she did you a favor. Imagine if y’all were married and she did this. Also, stay off of one knee, it’s a bad deal for men in the west. Focus on your body and your bank account. If you’re stalking her social media, cut it out. Block her on everything, lose her number. Another bull came into the ring and got your girl, oh fking well.
Again, focus on your body and your bank account. Get ripped and square away your consumer debt(if you have any) don’t worry about dating. Y’all were together for 4 years? Take 4 years off of dating and get ripped and rich. Do whatever you need to do to get over this, in a healthy way.
DO NOT CHASE HER
have some self respect, even if her relationship crash and burn, its unnaceptable for you to get back with her, she has shown who shes, its wild that even living with you she found plenty of opportunity to date, have sex, and move together with another guy without giving you even a hint, shes quite the actress, and even if you get back, what will happen when she meets a new cute boy?
youve shown you are eager to accept infidelity and false claims, she will dump you again and take her chances, if it ends badly you will accept her back over and over again.
also stop interacting with her family, despite what you think, they are not your friends. trying to keep in touch, having christmas, thanksgiving and stuff together with them is weird and uncalled. you put them on a bad position, they cant go veto her and new bf, dont force them to veto you.
Broken hearts HEAL!
Cheaters don’t CHANGE!!
Let me just say that I am extremely disappointed in your girlfriend. It’s clear to me that she was not committed to this relationship and was just using you as a placeholder until something better came along. And now, here you are, left in the dust with a broken heart and a dog you adopted together. Wow. Just wow.
I’m sorry to hear about your situation, but let’s be real here. You deserve so much better than someone who would just up and leave you for someone else. It’s clear that she never really cared about you or the future you were planning together. She was just stringing you along until something better came along.
Now, as for getting her back. I’m sorry, but I don’t think that’s a good idea. You deserve someone who is fully committed to you and wants to build a future together, not someone who is just going to bail on you at the first sign of something better. Trust me, there are plenty of fish in the sea and you deserve someone who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve.
It’s going to be tough, but you need to move on and focus on yourself right now. It’s going to be a long road to recovery, but you can do it. Just take some time to heal and work on improving yourself. You deserve the best and you will find someone who truly loves and appreciates you.
Good luck!
I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s almost like I read my own story but there was no cheating and no other person involved. Just the chemistry was not there as much as with other people he had dated in the past, he explained. Whereas I loved him and wanted to get married etc.
I’m glad you had this realization and conversation before you got married to her. You’re worth so much more than someone who is feeling meh about you and asking for space before throwing herself at someone else immediately after or in the relationship with you.
I liked someone else’s comment saying assume the relationship is completely over and take time to heal.
If you want to chat I’m going through the same thing right now we can always talk if you want to.