I am 25M and recently, life has really been difficult.
For the past 4 weeks, I am so easily provoked. The slightest of things get me angry. I feel there is nothing I can do to help it. I don’t even want to listen to anybody either anymore that my inability to listen is now embarrassing and difficult to overcome.
After thinking it through thoroughly, I feel it ultimately is the culmination of feeling underachieving and unhappy with the constraints I have self-imposed on myself.
Firstly, my family are very judgmental people and could never approve of some of the differences I have between them and myself. Most notably, I have not been a procrastinator and my desire to do things conflicts with their dormancy and procrastinating ways. My brother also used to make fun of me because of the academic activities I was involved in and I eventually just gave up on them. I live with my parents by choice and have only lived away from home for 1 year at college. Overall, there are a lot of things I don’t do because I just know I will be judged or given a hard time. One that I’ve held off on is traveling because every time I go out, my parents want to go somewhere and they don’t have a car and I feel bad stranding them at home with the one we share.
The second thing that has really been making life hard recently is this feeling of having no friends and missing out. In high school, I was somewhat of a social person. I had friends, mostly toxic ones until I eventually just isolated myself. It was tough time at home too because my dad cheated on my mom and my mom elected to stay with him (their relationship has never been the same since). I was away at school for my very first year, but never really was active. I slept most of the days away because it was the first time having peace and quiet away from a domestically violent home. I transferred back home, commuted, was not really involved, and graduated with a bachelor’s and master’s degree in engineering. I work full-time as a software engineer (9-5 job) and also have 2 secondary sources of income (jobs I do, but am not looking to get rich from). This year, I’m on pace to make $130,000 (all in wages).
This holiday, I literally felt so alone. In September, I realized that since I never go out, I should start making money in addition to my 9-5 software job since I don’t go out. I picked up a second job in remote customer service making an extra $40,000/year with 401(k) matching benefits and a schedule that suits me. But then, as the end of the year approached, I felt so alone (like I always had been). I messaged some old friends I used to talk to, but we weren’t able to meet. I message this one dude all the time to play basketball, but he never is available. Most notably, I messaged a friends who I was close with in high school. We hadn’t really talked in 6 years, but he reached out to me on Instagram and wanted to meet up. We planned to meet up this past week, but he ended up canceling because he was traveling with family. I spent time with nobody but my shitty family this holiday season. It got me really depressed.
I think more than anything, what makes me struggle is my slow pace and lack of productivity. I look around and compare myself to others at simple things and realize how much longer it takes me to do everything compared to them.
Moving forward, I want to have friends and be more professionally accomplished and desirable. I realized that like for the past 5 years, I spend so much time in bed and laying down that it has become a lifestyle. I look at other people and the social presence and amount they have done and achieved. I haven’t really traveled much. People never invite me to things and when I make efforts to hang out with them, I never end up successful. I’ve never had a girlfriend (I cried about this a lot recently). Work feels depressing a lot of the time. Nobody on my team every talks outside of meetings. My most recent issue I was able to fix in 3 days after sleeping on it for the past 9 months and just not understanding it. There’s a lot of days when I would just rather stay in bed and sleep due to others’ lack of interest in me. I used to feel a lot smarter and proud of myself. I feel like a loser recently. All I’ve been doing is playing basketball and browse car auction websites. It’s fun, but I feel I’m impulsively doing it and that it is affecting other aspects of my life.
I used to listen to this traditional professional turned entrepreneur. I recall vividly how he mentioned he felt a lot of stuff changes as he got older. He mentioned how like until 25, you seek a lot of approval from others. At 35, you kind of realize whether you are or aren’t have Bill Gates/Warren Buffett-type of achievement. At 50, you kind of assess how bad life is, you might be divorced, you might have experienced several deaths, you might not be very employable anymore. At 25, I’m feeling like a lot of life is over and nothing can be done about it.
Social aspects of life are hard to come by and develop when everyone you are surrounded by is just anti-social and hostile.
1 comment
Let’s see, you’re doing very well for yourself financially, far better than the vast majority of people your age. It sounds like you’re mostly unhappy about your social life.
For the living at your parents, I (23m) am in the same boat. In my family we were always discouraged from going out. Any outing I would go on would need to be justified. Similarly, we only have one car, and any ‘reservation’ I or my sister make on the car can be swiftly overridden by whatever plans our parents make. Luckily the nearby city is still reachable by bike, though it’s a 40 minute ride. Still, even by bike, any outing will be met with jeers and suspicion. And casually inviting people over is impossible. Both due to the distance, and because they really don’t like other people.
I think getting your own place will already help a lot. It’ll be a lot more work, but you’ll be able to work your own schedule for your meals and freely go out and invite people over without being guilt-tripped. You can afford it. I know the money temptation is big, for leading an ‘optimal’ life. It should be best to just stay at your parents for as long as possible, as that’ll save you a lot of money.
As for the second part, on ‘life TODOs’. I get it. I too kind of define myself by what I’ve accomplished. Partly because I have been incredibly lucky in this department. I graduated my masters in engineering on time, I was in a long term relationship all throughout college, with an incredibly intelligent girl from my year. I had secured a prestigious PhD position. I was right on track for that wüntermensch life, and that’s what gave me meaning. I was doing ‘better’ than everyone around me. I always had this, since I was 1 year ahead of my peers back in high school.
As you can expect by the past tense everywhere, all of that fell apart recently. All by my own initiative. Because I realized just checking boxes didn’t fullfill me. My relationship lacked the intimacy I so dearly desired, and that prestigious PhD sucked the life out of me, because in the end all I really was doing was advertising my promotors’ work. So in a moment of bravery (or foolishness) I quit both in the same week.
In some ways my life is far worse now. I’m lonelier than ever, deeply regretting my breakup. Though still, I believe making this leap has set me free. I finally have the ability (mentally) of talking to other women now, which before I was far too nervous for.
I’ve secured a grant for a new PhD, at a different university, in a different country, where I already worked with and like the people. Where I can work on my own topic. It may not be a top50 university, but that’s okay. I know I’ll be far happier there.
Because of this, losing 2 years from the ‘optimal’ life trajectory, and being thrown back into the deep end of dating, I’ve had to adapt a new life motto. My actions were incompatible with “Race the TODO, towards riches, a wife, fame etc”. Something like “Lead a good life” didn’t really work either. I was leading a ‘good’ life before. Did everything that was expected of me.
So instead, I’ve settled on “Lead an interesting life”. Because damn, life sure has been interesting these last months.
I guess that’s also my advice for you. Try to lead an interesting life. Try new things, take cool vacations, go and live on your own. Your financial stability gives you many options.
This turned out to be far more rambly than I had hoped, and it’s too late at night to really sort it all out. I hope you find some use or solace in my story.
Good night.