It wasn’t intentional but that doesn’t matter. My BF and I have been dating for 2 months. We meet 4 months ago as roommates and live with 4 others. It got serious fast as we were hanging out 2+ hours a day everyday from when I first moved in. Unfortunately our relationship has coincided with me having some sort of nervous breakdown that’s been possibly years in the making. I’m a wreck. I have no energy or drive for anything. Not only do I no longer care for my career or my studies (when I’ve always been Type A). I’m likely failing my masters. I also don’t have the energy to socialise or hang with friends. I’ve become self centred and irritatable. I’m likely depressed. Things like picking up a sock seems to take a Herculean effort so it just lies there for days. Or I see a stain in my sink and just blink, feel a little irritated and don’t have the motivation to wipe it for 5 days. I don’t even enjoy my hobbies or interests. I barely eat as cooking seems too hard and food tastes like nothing now a lot of the time.
He’s a great guy. Seems crazy about me too. He has held me through all 3 panic attacks I’ve had in the last month (I went 2 years without having them). Including one last night from 4am-6am. Because he’s one of the few things I care for and feel anything for now, I guess I’ve latched on a lot. I take it personally when I haven’t seen him all day and he chooses to go to the movies with his friends over seeing me. I insist he gives me a quick cuddle before I go to sleep, even when he has friends over and I’m taking him away from the fun. The one time he seemed annoyed about it I sulked and he felt so guilty. I was telling myself he didn’t care about me cuz if he did, he would cuddle me every night or whatever nonsense. I said this was how i felt and he again was overcome with guilt. I feel very insecure and constantly need reminding he loves me. I’m exhausting him. He feels he has less freedom but he is also consumed with the guilt of hurting my feelings because I’m fragile now. Even when i tell him I dont care if he doesnt wanna hang out *and I mean it*, he just assumes I’m lying. This is bad. How do I stop manipulating this guy?
TLDR: how do I stop unintentionally emotionally manipulating my BF?
26 comments
Your priority should be getting better, not a 2 month old relationship and it may be for the better that you be single so that you can sort yourself out. What help are you seeking for your depression?
deal with your anxiety
practice daily meditation (the ‘blank your mind’ variation) for 20-30 minutes
Well first of all you need to properly deal with your mental health so you aren’t putting all the pressure on your boyfriend to be your only support.
Luckily most universities have a lot of resources available to students. I know it’s tough, but you need to talk to your supervisor and see what options there are so you don’t fail and also look at what support services are offered like counselling etc
You need to start seeing a mental health professional and get your depression and/or whatever else is going on with you sorted out. It’s impossible to have a healthy relationship when your mental health is in the toilet. You will not be able to solve this until you address the underlying problem.
First, it’s great that you’re self-aware and want to do better for him. But the lack of stating you want to do better for *yourself* is telling (and easy to do in relationships).
You need to focus on you. You seem fairly in tune with your behavioural change and that’s a good first step many don’t even get to. The next is to do something about it. Whether that’s therapy or talking to a doctor. I’d guess that the fact you’re so attuned to it means it wasn’t always like this for you. Which also means you can get back to where you were. That should provide at least some feeling of hope.
One thing to be thankful for is it sounds like you have an understanding guy to help you through this time. My only advice is to make this about helping yourself. Helping him and your relationships is always in mind, but it’s just a bonus of that journey for you. Doing it for you is a solidifying part.
For the record, I don’t see a great deal of manipulation going on in your description. I see two people who are very hard on themselves during a rough period for one. I think you need to stop framing it as something that acute (manipulation) and he needs to stop feeling guilty. Both of those things will not help either of you. And maybe you should talk to him about that.
Look, it sounds like you’re going through a tough time right now and it’s not fair to your BF to put all of this on him. He’s clearly trying to be supportive, but it’s not healthy for either of you to have this kind of dynamic in your relationship. You need to work on taking care of yourself and getting back to a place where you can be more self-sufficient and less reliant on your BF for emotional support. It’s not his job to constantly reassure you and make you feel better, that’s something you need to do for yourself.
It’s also not fair to your BF to expect him to constantly cater to your needs and put his own life on hold. You can’t control how he feels or what he does, and trying to manipulate him into doing things your way is only going to create more tension and resentment in your relationship.
I know it’s hard, but try to focus on the things you can control, like taking care of yourself and working on your own emotional well-being. Seek out professional help if you need it, and try to find ways to take care of yourself that don’t involve relying on your BF for constant validation and reassurance. It’s not going to be easy, but it’s the best thing for both of you in the long run.
You are not in a healthy place for a relationship that’s just started, OP. This is too early in a relationship to be putting this kind of responsibility on him. You aren’t currently able to control the way you are acting towards him, so the kind thing would be to break up with him and work on yourself.
Not fair to do at all to someone, figure yourself out.
Girl, maybe you might want to look into burnout. What you’re describing was me five years ago, went from type a to total mess and couldn’t function.
Also, having a relationship while navigating burnout is even more draining for the both of you. Might be time to put yourself and health first and if it’s meant to be it will work out with him when you’re better.
You may want to go seek help from a psychiatrist for a plan. You need a little help. Please go seek help now while you’re young. It will make the rest of your life better.
The fact that you are roommates complicates things. Think about what you would expect if you didn’t live together. If he lived separately you wouldn’t expect him to tuck you in every night for bed at 2 months in. He deserves to have his own space and time, and make date nights when you are planning to spend time together.
Also I definitely agree with everyone about dealing with your mental health. That is extremely important.
Not for nothing, healthy people don’t go after people when they are vulnerable. It seems you’ve either made him your happiness, or he is attracted to someone when they’re in a vulnerable state- which isn’t a great sign. Or you both bit off more than you could chew, not being aware of how much he won’t be able to fix your mental health, but there are great efforts being made for him to try which will wear you both out. It happens.
In any case, it might be better to call it quits (at least for now) before you guys cross a line you can’t come back from and make both living together and any chance at a future relationship impossible. Either way, you need to focus on yourself. Any jealousy about him living his life while you are depressed is way better than the contempt he will feel for you, the awkwardness it will create in the house, and insecurity that it will add onto you if this takes a nosedive and he won’t go down with you anymore. IME anyway.
It’s also really attractive to draw boundaries, and prioritize yourself so you can be a better you than asking someone else to fill your cup. This will end things on a good note, so maybe there will be possibility to revisit this when you’re better. Sexual tension will also increase probably, and you will gain your respect back in both your eyes.
Your depression/burnout could get a whole lot worse if he draws a boundary before you do and decides he doesn’t want to continue with this. At least if you suggest you guys separate so you can work on you, he won’t feel guilty, you can have a sense of control over your own life again, he will feel like you respect him, but most importantly yourself. And it leaves you on good terms to revisit in the future if it’s a good fit outside of your current mental health. I can promise you, the path you’re on now needs healing, by yourself, and won’t get fixed with the way it’s going only two months in. I know it’s hard, but it could get a whole lot worse with the complication of living together AND him possibly moving on after you guys get in way deeper. It will feel like far more of a betrayal and impact your mental health if he breaks it off in say a 5 more months or so, and you haven’t been spending time attending to your own mental health. It will just double your trouble.
Trying not to manipulate usually makes us manipulative. I know you’re probably not going to want to end this, which I feel you, so maybe you should look into a mindfulness practice and remember you are accountable for everything that happens in your life. When I tell myself that daily, I can start to see new perspectives on how I could go about things in a better way. Also, I know nothing feels like it would make you feel better when you’re depressed, but MOOD FOLLOWS ACTION. Really think about this. “I don’t feel like eating” but then when you eat you realize “oh wow I’m not anxious anymore!” take everything tiny bites at a time. If you don’t feel like cleaning your room, tell yourself “I’m going to pick up two socks and that’s for the day”. Dare to be average, and everything will seem less Herculean AND you’ll get it done. When I have to force myself to eat, I’ll say “Okay, I’m only allowed to take 2 bites, but then I will have eaten for the day”. And next thing you know I’ve eaten the whole thing. You’ll realize you have way more strength and capacity than you think. Depression is the lie of hopelessness. You have to get out of your head and back into your body in any way that you can. And your body and mental are far more linked than I think we realize. Even your intestines look like a brain you know? Cuz it’s the brain of your body. Your mind is your what goes on in both brains- not just your thoughts. So healing your body will go a long way with healing your mind. Attending to your environment will also do the same. This takes active focus though- not something easily done with a boyfriend. Do you care about you both enough to make that sacrifice? It’s not your fault you’re depressed or burnt out, but it is your responsibility to get back on track and fortunately, you totally can!
The things it feels like it would take a Herculean amount of strength to do, once you do it, you WILL reap the rewards of feeling better and it will raise your self esteem. Everything you don’t FEEL like doing, or you think doesn’t sound good- don’t listen to that voice telling you that. It’s a lie. Once you do the action, the mood will follow. Nothing sounds good when you’re depressed, so you have to remember that’s a lie and do it anyway. That will change everything.
Did you start taking hormonal birth control when you started dating him? I only ask since it sounds like your mental health episode is new. HBC royally fucked with my own mental health and it took me quite a while to realize it. Thought I’d present the possibility to you in case it’s relevant to your situation.
If you had broken your leg would you be trying to fix it yourself?
Go to a mental health professional and they will help you. Only once you help yourself can you be a better partner to your boyfriend.
Good luck! It sounds a horrible place to be in but I’m sure you can get better 😊
You don’t seem to be well medicated, talk to your doctor.
Funny how women never take accountability for anything they do, what do you mean how do you stop manipulating him? Literally don’t do it anymore and seek professional help, you need that more than a relationship and you aren’t even treating the guy with any respect so better to just break it up and work on yourself.
It’s 2 months, cut your losses and leave. If a relationship is bad from the start it won’t get better.
Individual therapy is the real answer
You are not being emotionally manipulative. You are being clingy. There is a difference but both are signs of a toxic relationship and don’t occur in relationships where both partners are securely attached.
If you want to make the relationship work, you need to work on your own mental issues first. Find a professional therapist. Your boyfriend should not be your only source of emotional support. If you can’t stop relying on your boyfriend to help you with your mental issues, you may want to hold off on relationships all together until you can get your issues sorted out. It has only been 2 months and you say you are exhausting him. There is only so much support any boyfriend can give and it can be frustrating to keep supporting someone who isn’t willing to do anything themselves to change their situation.
You should work on developing a secure attachment style. No amount of reassurance from your boyfriend will make you feel secure in the relationship. That comes from your own attachment style. I also used to have an insecure attachment style and would constantly be asking my partner for reassurance. I took a class in interpersonal communication and learned about attachment styles. I also learned about enthusiastic consent and started to embrace that as a core value. Looking at the world through the lens of enthusiastic consent has made it easier to develop a secure attachment style. It goes beyond the basics of consent (“no” means no) and says that consent requires all parties to be enthusiastic. So if I want cuddles and my partner says “sure” even though it seems like consent, I know they aren’t enthusiastic about it so I just say “maybe another time”. It means I get less cuddles, but all the cuddles I do get I know the other person wants just as much as me. When I really think about it, there isn’t anything I want to do with someone if they aren’t enthusiastic about it. That feels emotionally manipulative like you mentioned. I don’t want cuddles knowing they are just doing it because I talked them into it. I don’t want to convince a partner to date me if they don’t really want to. So I don’t need reassurance in relationships anymore. I’m okay with people leaving me. It doesn’t mean I’ll never find another partner. I know that when someone is with me it is because they want to be.
Obviously you seek immediate treatment and medication for your mental health
Get help, and make sure he knows you are getting help, so he knows he can leave you if he wants to without guilt.
I don’t have much advice for you (I wouldn’t even know what to say), but I pray that you get the strength to face your issues and overcome them successfully. You got this, OP!
Maybe be honest about this with your BF? Show him that you are aware of it, and that you are actively planning to do something about it. From how you described him, he should be supportive. I think that is a bit fairer for him as well. Good luck!
You need to go to therapy. The core issue in your life (and also in this relationship) is that you’re depressed, so you need to address that.
I also think you should try to address this stuff in your relationship. You can’t stop your bf from feeling guilty but you can try to mitigate the behavior patterns that have led to that. Sit down with him and let him know you’re committed to getting better, and that you want to break out of these unhealthy patterns as a couple. It sounds like you’re both focused more on each other’s feelings than on what’s healthy for yourselves – you could try saying something like “I know that because I’ve been insecure about you spending time with friends I’ve created a dynamic where you always worry I’ll be upset when you do. I don’t want that at all. If I feel upset that’s on me to handle, so regardless of how I respond when you tell me about plans, I want to you to go be with your friends and trust that I’m handling my own feelings. You asserting your own needs and not being available to support me all the time is going to be so much healthier for both of us.”
The key here is committing to working on yourself (and not just for the relationship – you deserve to be happy and you absolutely can get better!), communicating really clearly (which is hard, but just keep working on it), and trying to actively combat these unhealthy patterns. And forgive yourself when you mess up.
You need to see a mental health professional. Also if your grades and studies are tanking and you have strong parental support, I’d recommend taking time off. Early 20s is when a lot of crazy mental health issues can surface. Taking a hiatus allows you to go back when you’re feeling better. Failing out doesn’t.
It’s good you realize you’re being manipulative. Your emotions you’re feeling are valid, but its impractical and not sustainable to have one person be your support system, and a lot of that work means looking within.
Break up with him you are not ready for a relationship, your bf isn’t your emotional support animal but that is how you are treating him.
Tell him you aren’t in a good mental place and can’t be the gf he needs and you dont want him to end up being your glorified care-giver. Let him know you need time to work on your mental health and that when you are better if he’s still single and interested you can try again.
In the meantime seek therapy and maybe get an actual emotional support animal.
I think you have anxious attachment style but youbare aware of yoourself that will be helpful with your way out of it… you need to talk wit him about this yourself and ask him how he would react in this position, your feelings are valid, im like that too but my gf talked to me and im slightly better and im getting better, if he loves you he will show it but he need time for himself too just like my gf…
Start with your hobbies again, try to grt back that spark that motivated you, idk how you get motivation but for me my gf and our future is my motivation.
Try to the core of your feelings and why you feel like that, that will help you to cure yourself and talk with your bf about it… dont be afraid to seel help from him or profesional coz we all deal with this kind of stuff and its only matter will it consume us..
If the core of problem is your RP, google attachment teory, cool yt channels that will explain feelings is Psych2Go and School Of Life
Best of luck and i wish you happines.