I’m 25 and now in the stage where my closest friends get married, people get careers, and i’m getting really under the weather now.. A lot. How did you cope?
Coupled with covid as an accelerator, all my friends have now gotten married and started their careers. I haven’t seen some of them in months.
The best friends of mine that got married hang out together since they all have their own respective wives that can hang with each other as well, and as a person unmarried I’m generally not invited.
I’m still getting my stuff together, in University, have a year and a half to go until graduation.
I’m sure many have come across this stage, where you become more lonely when others are busier. How do I cope?
16 comments
i was okay i guess. i mean, it happens to everyone. you just got to ride the wave and find new friends
I’m 37 years old and never married. In the past 15 years, I’ve seen no less than 20 close friends of mine “wither away on the grapevine” and fade into the past just because they happened to get married and their wives forbid them from hanging out with their old friends. Hell, even most of my siblings have faded away once their fates were decided by marriage. I haven’t spoken to my siblings in years.
I just get used to it by accepting that every close friend of mine will be gone soon enough. Nothing is forever, even if they soften you up with crap like “we’re brothers for life” or “I got your back.” As a kid, my family moved around pretty often in the military life. The friends I made as a kid were left behind and often never heard from ever again. I found it hard to make new friends as I got older, hesitating to believe that they would be around too long. The few friends I made, well, like I said, they got married, which is little difference from being dead, since you’ll see them at a distance or never again as their wives decide to assert full control and believe that “I’m the only friend you’ll need”.
How do I deal with this gaping void in my life? I fill it up with hobbies and a demanding job that takes up a lot of my time. I have little time for new friendships or relationships, since I keep myself busy. I’m into movies and books, basically, relaxing for a bit. I remind myself that I have it made because if I were a married man, my mindset would be, “What are HOBBIES? I gotta spend all my time making the wife happy and catching up on her DO-list.”
Find a good hobby and immerse yourself into it. That’ll stop you from those feelings called “loneliness.” And if you feel lonely, it’s a sure of a lot better than being married and basically miserable because the spouse doesn’t appreciate your efforts. Get a second paying job, something you might like to do with your spare time. It’ll pay off big having the extra money around and no wife spending any of it.
First things first, just remember you are not alone. So many of us have experienced this dilemma as we got older, including myself.
For me, it started after graduating university. That was when the bubble burst for me and all the “friends” I thought I had in college wasn’t really that. They weren’t actually bad people. I just wasn’t as close with them as I thought. But when you are confined to a bubble that is college, it can feel like everyone is part of your circle.
So I spent years trying to cling to friendships and relationships but people move, people change, and shit happens.
As I got older, something that has helped me a lot is to realize that it’s better to view life as a constant flux rather than something that is stagnant. That means realizing that it’s totally normal and healthy for things to change. Friends will come and go. The best friends you had in your 20’s may be replaced by new one’s in your 30’s. And that’s totally okay.
Friendships do not end in your 20’s. Friends change, but you will always meet new and exciting people so long as you embrace change.
> as a person unmarried I’m generally not invited
How’s that? Sounds bad they exclude you.
You focus on yourself. And you remind yourself that if they couldn’t be bothered to invite you, despite your status, then maybe they weren’t really your friends to begin with.
Its hard from start, i see my friends maybe once a month for a quick coffee. Hardest part was going from being together everyday to barely seeing eachother. But i found other things to occupie myself with and met some new people to fill the void.
About not being invited, i was from start and i felt like and awkward 5th wheel when everybody had their partners and i was there alone, so i dont go anymore even if they remember to invite me
You should be making friends in university. Childhood friends are cool but they are drifting too far away in life. You may get better luck hanging out with people of your kind.
I’m nearing 30 (late 20s) and they have definitely jumpstarted their careers while mine has stalled.
I’ve just kind of accepted my lonely lot in life and am working to follow in their footsteps. Once I get a career, then I can figure out what I want to do with my life, whether it is a lot or very little. If nothing else, I would like to take care of my parents as a thank you for raising me, but that is pretty much it thus far.
I’ve never needed to spend a lot of time around people, so there was nothing to cope with. I don’t need to be with others to entertain myself.
I make a deliberate point of spending time with my friends. That is the only way to maintain friendship.
My friends and I get together every Monday and Thursday. I don’t make every get together. No one does. But we get together at least twice a week and one weekend a month.
We don’t discriminate on partnered vs unpartnered people. Saying an unmarried person is unwelcome would not fly in our crew where half of the folks are asexual and will never be partnered. Hell, I am mostly aromantic and may never be partnered again.
We have folks who are married and have kids who might make it once a month. Some of us commit to three times a week when we are fighting depression because seeing people we care about helps. I skip out on a lot because of chronic illness. We have been meaning to start a D&D game for three years and never have.
But we still hang out together.
Just fill your life with the things you enjoy is the only answer I can think of. We all go through it.
People will come and go all through your adult life
Also, the further you get into your 30’s your tolerance for bullshit and the fucks you have to give for shit that’s out of your control drastically lowers.
The people that are meant to stay in your life long term do, and those relationships in my experience are ones where it doesn’t really matter how often you see each other or hang out. Every time you do it’s like nothing has changed.
The rest, not worth worrying about. You just start to value yourself more and realise you’ve done as much as you’re prepared to do to maintain friendships – and if it’s not happening forcing it isn’t really going to make you feel any different about it.
No offence but they don’t sound like proper friends.
A lot of my friends have had kids, careers and other things pop up in their lives.
But we all still see each other, even if it’s once a month.
Remember: People change and grow, you will meet more people throughout your life. Just never close yourself up or build a wall.
Yeah it kinda sucks to be only one who doesn’t have gf, wife/kids but oh well you gotta learn to live with it. Besides I don’t want kids or even get married though.
it really just ebbs and flows, people come and go you have lows and highs you just kind of have to ride it out and know that the only thing in life that is a true constant is that at some point for better or worse it will change.
having said this you also need to make a conscious effort. Join clubs, volunteer etc.
There’s nothing you could do differently that would have changed this outcome. As a couple they have new responsibilities and challenges. They would spend more time with you if they could. C’est la vie.