At a loss

6 comments

1. Talk to a divorce lawyer. See where you’ll stand. Let your husband know you’re doing it. Then offer couples counseling. Good luck.

2. At some point you have to call his bluff.

   Speak to a divorce lawyer and have them explain to you their options. You don’t have to do anything but it is a good idea to be informed.

   You may think that being together for your child is good but trust me, a child is happier in two happier homes.

3. My ex-wife did exactly the same thing. And each time I doubled up on my effort to keep myself up to her standards.

   Finally, after going to counseling to work on “my anger issues”, my counselor got through to me that I didn’t have to accept this unhealthy behavior in a relationship. In fact, she helped me to realize that I flat out wasn’t happy in that relationship.

   Next time divorce was brought up, it was me saying it, and I freaking meant it. I moved out the next day and started the process.

4. This thread has some of the worst advice I’ve ever heard.

   First, to clarify, this is incredibly toxic behavior. You ABSOLUTELY deserve better, it is completely reasonable that this is making you feel insecure in your relationship, he is in the wrong, and you aren’t obligated to tolerate it. Divorce is (as everyone has pointed out already) an option. You obviously know that. So I’m operating under the assumption you are here for alternative advice.

   In that case, jumping to consulting with a divorce attorney to “scare him” into stopping us petty and may very well backfire.

   Threatening divorce in anger is something I *really* struggled with for a long time. I have a LOT of guilt about that and it’s honestly really hard for me to admit that I was so toxic for so long, but I’ll just be honest in hopes your marriage can heal as much as mine has/is. I did this a *lot*. It was like a knee jerk reaction that became a bad habit, and as much as I hated myself for it I really struggled to stop. Your husband is a different person with different experiences and issues, but a lot of work on myself has taught me that:

   1. I really needed to learn how to fight. And when I say learn, I mean it. Like, I had to parent myself into obtaining new skills and implementing strategies like a child. Growing up my parents fought all the time leading up to their divorce and it was pretty toxic. I genuinely had *no idea* that wasn’t normal. Once I started to figure out that it wasn’t, I still didn’t know what to do. In a calm moment I would have this rational idea of how I could manage conflict in a better way, but once I was mad that default would take over. We had to create safe words so I could learn how to get space to respond instead of reacting because it was too unnatural for me to handle it without a pause. I had to read a lot about how to fight well, and my husband was a saint while I tried to use it because it took a while to start making that the default.

   2. I had to be more vulnerable about what was really happening with me, on my own and with my husband. I also come across as someone who “isn’t very feeling” or is “insensitive” etc. and that’s kind of true. But it’s a wrong assumption to think it’s “just how I am” and I had to come to terms with that and then really help my husband understand me as well. Fortunately for me, he’s very discerning and he really helped me knock down walls and understand myself better. For me, I had a pretty toxic childhood and I had s lot of abuse/abandonment/emotional neglect. That manifested as a very deep fear of abandonment that drove a hyper independence. I walled off my emotions as a coping mechanism because they made me feel weak, and while I was always in long relationships, I married young, and I have the world’s most committed spouse I couldn’t really shake that feeling that I wasn’t secure. In conflict, that was kind of magnified because my brain was conditioned to think that conflict ultimately yields abandonment, and in a twisted effort to gain control, I would subconsciously do things to make others feel as insecure in the stability of our relationship as I did.

   A few things that really helped me was working with a therapist a little bit and on my own a lot to understand myself. Also, my husband was so, so wonderful because while he had EVERY right to make that a good time to “put me in my place” or try to establish a boundary with a consequence, and I wouldn’t blame him at all, he never did. He told me later that he knew he could have said “if you talk to me this way I will leave” but he didn’t because he knew I felt guilty and I felt insecure, and I would probably push him out. Instead he affirmed me and just said “Well I don’t want a divorce. I love you and I want to be with you forever. We are a team, and it hurts me when you say that. Is that something you mean or are you just trying to hurt me? Can you express how you’re feeling instead of threatening me? You don’t have to do that, I’m already listening.” And he would just diffuse the situation and gracefully give me a chance to try again when he probably should have said “fine” and packed his bags.

   I also had to understand that some things are super triggering for me, and my husband made a conscious effort not to use terms that naturally made me feel like I needed to be highly combative.

   3. I’ve had to start seeking resources. EMDR and tapping, I’m also getting a bipolar assessment in case, etc.

   It works because I know that I am the problem and I’m willing to do the work, and because my husband is basically a saint. It’s been hard but that’s super rare now and I’m SO glad that he chose to help me grow instead of choosing to punish me. I would never blame him if he had, but because he responded with so much love and Grace, we fight better and I also have been able
   To heal trauma that I didn’t even realize impacted me so much.

   Everyone is different, and I’m certainly not saying you should just tolerate being treated terribly, but I can say from lived experience that approaching hard times in marriage with a challenge to grow but a lot of grace/love can be so transformative. If you don’t want a divorce, I’d try that over petty comebacks. You don’t owe him that, but it may be the best gift you could ever give. It certainly was for me.

5. Is 3:00 a.m. and I’m reading this as I sit on the steps of my newly purchased fifth wheel travel trailer parked in the horseshoe gravel driveway of the property that I grew up on 39 years ago.

   One day I realized that the scratches on the wall of her saying I want to separation / divorce we’re getting quite numerous, and things had already been taking a dip for the worse after a really rough night, she said it a couple more times and I had to remind her that a few times ago I told her and I told myself that that was the last time..

   I’m only a couple weeks out I can’t say anything is better it’s different.. somebody reading that makes sense of it I don’t know if I can at this point.

6. Don’t cry, print out some documents. Show the breakdown of the bills. Question who would have custody and who would get what. If he’s serious these are good questions to ask. If he’s not he needs to see that he has to quit these little “i hate u! Ur ruining my life” temper tantrums. I don’t believe it’s really what he wants. Just how he responds to not being able to resolve conflict.