Nearly a decade ago I had a FWB that was controlling and things crossed into assault territory a few times, it’s something I’ve moved on from.
My husband and I have a kinky sex life but have never done role play of any kind, so I think he would find this kind of role play especially a little much. When I imagine trying it with him I get uncomfortable thinking about actually resisting while being into it. I know it’s not the same thing, but what if he thinks it means that I secretly enjoyed what happened in the past.
CNC is something that I’ve always been interested in even prior to the SA, but never knew it was a normal thing that could be safely explored. I feel weird bringing it up because of my past though, it feels impossible to fully separate the two and I don’t want my husband to equate our experience to that either.
Is my mentality best served leaving this desire to fantasy? Or am I just overthinking things?
3 comments
Hmmm, if you feel about 94% ready, maybe that would be a good time to gently explore it. In the smallest baby steps you can think of with a confirmed pathway to safewords, and with planned after care.
This is your husband, not some other guy from a long time ago. He is your man and you are his woman, partner, friend, etc etc. If you think about it, you already do some CNC stuff. Chances are he may roll over at 3:45 am and throw an arm over your chest and cup a breast while almost asleep. You didn’t specifically consent to this, but hey…part of a long term relationship.
Tell him things that you are cool with him doing from the start. Tell him about things that you would like to try but need to be able to stop. Ease into it. Maybe you want him to wake you up with him going down on you but if you say no use or a safe word, he stops. CNC doesn’t mean that he gets to bend you over in the pantry and fuck you up the ass three minutes before you have to get in the car to go to work without your consent. It has situational boundaries and needs to work with your relationship that you have already established. A safe word or a safe signal is key. I’ve done rough or dominating things with partners where we always had a safe word or a safe signal if a word could not be used. The second I heard it or felt a particular slap, I immediately stopped. It made us closer as she knew that I was serious about the safe word. It is all about communication and a way out.
Maybe do a search in the r/bdsmcommunity subreddit for more info. Lots of discussions there on the pros and cons.