Me and her are both 18 and share an apartment together since we’ve been best friends for nearly 13 years. I’ve had a massive crush on her for a really long time but never told her since I was afraid of ruining the friendship. Well last night around 2 am I woke up to her drunkenly sucking my dick which felt really good and I allowed her to do it until I came. We cuddled for a bit and fell asleep but now that I’m fully awake I feel incredibly weird about it. I’m not angry and I did enjoy it but I feel a weird mix of shame and anxiety when I think about it. How do I deal with these feelings?

Edit: while I agree that she shouldn’t have done it without my consent I did enjoy it and I won’t hold that against her

28 comments

  1. Obviously she had the same feelings as you. Stay open and try to not make things weird. You both have to decide if you want to pursue a relationship or just be friends.

  3. If you both like each other, that’s great! However I would have a serious talk about consent, especially because you were asleep and she was drunk.

  4. Am I the only one who thinks this is unacceptable? If my friend did this, even if I had a crush on them, I would feel pretty violated.

  5. Why is everyone acting chill about this? This behaviour is unacceptable, she began a sex act on you without your knowledge or consent. That is sexual assault.

  6. She sexually assaulted you. Period. I would hate whoever did this to me, even if I had a crush on them prior. Heck, if my partner did this without having had a conversarion where we agreed that we could do it when the other is asleep – I wouldn’t trust him anymore too! Don’t feel like you are dumb or whatever -you have been sexually assaulted and it’s normal to feel bad. Not a great way to start any type of relationship, for sure. In fact, it’s a crime, so…

  8. The fact that you like her isn’t really relevant. You hadn’t given consent. Even if she KNOWS you’re into her, which isn’t even an option, you don’t just assault someone in the middle of the night. Would you have felt comfortable if you did it to her? Of course not, so you should be judging her actions by your own morals detached from the feelings you have for her.

  9. You were sexually abused.
    That’s the weird feeling you have.

    You weren’t conscious at the moment of sexual contact, even if you let it happen, because it’s difficult to accept when you actually have a crush on the person who is assaulting you, and you try to rationalize to be able to live with it.

    This behavior is unacceptable regardless of gender.

    Stop touching people when they are sleeping.

  10. It’s a form of abuse, even if you did “enjoy” it. What also concerns me is that your friend does that sort of thing when she’s drunk, which suggests there are probably some real issues there. Most people do daft things when drunk but putting their mouth on someone’s genitals when they are unconscious is very problematic territory.

  11. Are you uncomfortable because you don’t know how to ask for it again?

    That could be y’all kink

  14. Consent is about whether or not *you* wanted it. Other people can’t tell you that you didn’t consent. Other people can’t decide for you that you were sexually assaulted. If you enjoyed it, and you’re not holding her actions against her, then it wasn’t sexual assault. If you didn’t want it, and would prefer that it didn’t happen, and are unhappy with her for doing it, then you decide if you were sexually assaulted.

    Clearly, this isn’t the way you would have decided for things to happen, though. You need to have a conversation with her to start processing how you feel about this. You can start with *”Hey, I enjoyed what happened, but I didn’t ask for it, and I’m feeling odd about it. Can we talk about it?”*

  15. You feel uncomfortable because she sexually assaulted you.

    Edit: the number of people trying to act like engaging in consensual somnophilia is in any way what happened here is wild. I guess anything goes when someone states they like someone despite not discussing what’s okay and not okay beforehand.

    That being said, noone can tell you how to feel. It’s up to you whether or not you want to have a discussion about your discomfort with her. I personally think you should.

  17. Even if you agreed to her sucking your dick after she started she never got your permission to start in the first place. In that sense it’s sexual assault. Be careful because it could also get turned around on you since you took advantage of her drunken state and allowed her to continue when you knew she wasn’t in full control of her faculties and she wouldn’t have done it if she had been sober. You both need to sit down and have a serious discussion about what happened and what the state of your friendship is

  18. Something that has been difficult for me is that even in situations of SA sometimes there are still going to be feelings of enjoyment because biologically our bodies are built that way… if someone stimulates that area your body will react the way it’s supposed to (I hope that makes sense idk how to phrase it)

    But as for the shame and anxiety it’s probably because you know deep down you were SA and you didn’t consent to this. I’m sorry this happened to you.

    I have a feeling you “enjoyed” it because your body was sending you these signals because of the stimulation but it wasn’t something you fully were comfortable with leading to these unwanted feelings. I would talk to this girl… maybe about consent. I know she’s your crush but she crossed a boundary. Even if she’s known you for 13 years. That’s your body. Good luck OP

  22. Unless you both have previously discussed this type of situation beforehand, this was rape. I’m sorry this happened to you, and I’d suggest talking to a therapist about it. I’d also suggest distancing yourself from this person, as they do not respect your boundaries. Being drunk isn’t an excuse for assault.

  23. Hey OP I notice that a lot of the comments here are quite strongly worded so I just wanted to try and offer you a more objective point of view.

    Like others have said what she did without consent can be considered sexual assault. Now just because this is the case does not mean you should definitely hold it against her or see it as such. You might feel bad about it, or maybe not. However it would be good to reflect on this for yourself. If you do feel violated in any sense then that is perfectly normal and justified. You could also be okay with this and your feelings may be more related to being afraid about how your relationship to this person might change in the future. If you are okay with this and want to pursue a relationship (friendly, sexual or romantic) with this person then it would be a good idea to sit down with them and discuss the situation or at least consent in general and how to move forward in a respectful way.

    All in all it is up to you to decide how you feel about this. Strangers on the internet do not have a good view on all the factors in this situation and everything that led up to it. Also every person is different in regards to their boundaries and what they find acceptable. Don’t let anyone tell you how you _should_ feel. But it is important to reflect for yourself.

  24. You’re afraid of losing the friendship to your massive crush who you live with and now something sexual happened. Anxiety is due to the inevitable “what are we” conversation and the fall out if she doesn’t want to take the next step. Shame due to the unexpected nature and feelings that “you should have stopped her” belief if things do go south.

    Honestly you’re both 18, she probably likes you, and you’re not responsible for her behavior. While all the SA conversations have a point, in this case a lot of the responses are missing the context.

  25. You should simply talk to her. You’ve known her for a very long time. You should be able to level with her, and tell her that while you enjoyed it this now feels bit weird.

    If you’ve had a massive crush on her for a really long time there’s more than zero chance that she knows it. And she hasn’t acted on it. And now decided to do something about it while she was drunk.

    The one thing I would not assume is that she wants to date you, even with what happened. Feel her out (if you still fancy her, that is) but don’t hold it against her if she’s not up for something more serious.

    If you don’t want a repeat of what happened tell her that. If you don’t mind it happening again, you can also tell her that.

  27. I agree with oldmenewid, though I wouldn’t use his tone. But I’m more in his camp than the other posters who called this sexual assault or rape. This happened to [m]e when I was in college. My roommate had people over late at night and one of the women had a crush on me. I was already asleep in my bed. This woman came into my room, took my briefs down and started fellating me. I barely knew her, but I was instantly hard. Far from pulling away, I said, “Let’s 69.” She got undressed, sat on my face, and we sucked each other’s genitals to mutual orgasm. We didn’t date. It was just a one nighter, but I never felt she sexually assaulted me or raped me. Granted, this was in the mid-nineties. We thought differently about things like this (certainly when the female is doing stuff to the male, as opposed to the other way around.)

  28. Hi. A lot is going on for you mentally and emotionally. First thing take a deep breath ok? Second, on dealing with the feelings? Only way is to process them and the best way I think would be to talk to her and gain clarity. she may not remember fully though depending on how drunk she was. so what I would say is once you have had a chance to steady yourself, ask if you can talk to her. Tell her that you aren’t upset with her but that you’d like to discuss last night/this morning and be honest about your feelings example. “Because of what happened I’m confused,and I feel a bit anxious, and worried our friendship is going to suffer if I don’t talk about this with you” good luck op

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