What’s your advice for talking to a man you’ve been dating about your needs (physical or emotional) not being met in the best way possible?

10 comments

1. It really depends on exactly what you are talking about and how early you are into this.

   You can explain I feel x,y,z needs are not being met. If you are early on that may turn into a filter situation though depending on what we are talking about.

2. Prioritize your own emotions in your wordings.

   So for example instead of “You don’t pay attention to me. You don’t cook for me. Our sex life is dead.”

   Go for “I feel like you don’t ask me about my day enough. I want you to cook more often. I think we need to have a discussion about our sex life.”

   Basically it will come off as less aggressive and confrontational; Instead you’re just laying a list of things you want to see more effort in.

3. With your words?

   Hard to say more without any context.

4. I know that this isn’t specific, but I’d say any way that you can make it clear that you want improvements in order to grow the relationship rather than finding excuses to get out of it, the more well it will be received. Like if you still love him and want to make it work bc you like this relationship, make it clear, and he should want to improve for you without you having to tell him more times. If it feels more like things are just getting to you because you lack enthusiasm for him, then he might feel like it’s already beyond repair

5. Check out [Nonviolent Communication (NVC)](https://www.cnvc.org/learn-nvc/the-nvc-model). It’s perfect for these kinds of conversations.

   The [original NVC book](https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/product/nvc/) by Marshall Rosenbreg is a quick read and lays out the technique.

   At a high-level, the steps look like this:

   1. Observations (objective, not mixed with judgements)
   2. Communicate your feelings
   3. Express your needs
   4. Make a clear request to the other person

   A couple of key points:

   * In the first step, it’s important to keep observations factual and not mix them with judgements about the other person. This is key to creating a shared “map” of the issue.
   * When you express your feelings, you own them as such, rather than present them as the only reality.
   * The request should be clearly measurable and quantifiable. Avoid relative terms like more, less, etc. Do you want something to not happen at all? Happen x number of times per day/week/month. Be clear so that the other person understands what they are agreeing to and you can both know when the request is, or is not being fulfilled.

   The [NVC relationships book](https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/product/being-me-loving-you/) is also really good, and an excellent follow-on read after the original book.

6. “Play me or trade me.”

7. >not being met in the best way possible

   If only perfection is what will be good enough… I think the answer is leave him.

8. Directly

9. You should dump him. Those two things are a human characteristic of a person’s… personality. If he can’t satisfy you emotionally or physically now, wont happen by telling him.

10. Just be open with him. When I was dating my first girlfriend I always told her that I want to her express her emotions openly with me and I’d do the same with her. I felt that this was a good thing because I didn’t judge her and she didn’t judge me.