As the title says I female 45 talked to my 21 year old daughter for the first time. I was around until she was one then gave full custody and cut contact. For context I had her when I was 23 and with my boyfriend of 3 years, I hate the idea of having kids, not just kids in general. I infact work as a child psychologist and used to babysit for family all the time.I think the reason for a lot of the discontent I feel for my daughter is from how my mother was with me which put this fear of no matter what I couldn’t love her. And now I see I’m right I feel the same pain I feel for my patients, the relief when I showed up to see her. When she walked on egg shells to ask me questions I felt horrible, but when it came to telling her my reasons and feeling I almost became disconnected. I told her how I hated the thought of holding her how I felt little to nothing for her when I was still around. I even told her how I got into such a dark place I tried almost three times to end myself. I hated the thought of staying and screwing her up like my mom, I could bring myself to hurt her in any way. She cried and talked about how her father talked so highly of me, how he never really moved on and how I helped him get his life together. I think he didn’t want her to think wrong of me but there were those that talked bad about me and were spot on. In the end we talked for 3 hours she talked about all the questions she had, how she got every card and gift and just wanted her mom. I could never love her as a mother should I just don’t have that part of me I can’t force it but I will still be here for her.I know even now I can’t be her mother in a way I’m not her mother I can’t take back 20 years but I am trying to be supportive and helpful to her. I have reopened contact to both my ex and daughter things are looking good but it still hurts when she first asked if I could ever love her like a daughter.she is the sweetest thing and doesn’t deserve this but I can’t force myself to be that figure it would only hurt everyone.
Tldr:I met my daughter for the first time in 20 years and had a long sad talk. But am trying to be better.
3 comments
For a child psychologist you don’t seem to be taking the same advice as your patients and seeking actually professional help in those 20 years you have been disconnected from your “daughter”. You’re a mess your life is a mess and you can’t seem to pick up the pieces. You’ve been a terrible “mother” -if I can even call you that, you’re more like a egg donor if anything- for the past 20 years the next what 40 if your lucky to even make it that far can be used to heal the damaged you caused this poor girl. Down vote me if you want I said what I said.
“I told her how I hated the thought of holding her how I felt little to nothing for her”
Abandoning her was arguably ok, but 20 years later you told her THAT?! You should have at made up some vaguely plausible lie but instead chose to be maliciously cold. As a psychologist you aware of needing diagnosis and treatment. My guess you avoid doing so because out of fear for your license/carer.
In all my years of dealing with troubled kids that may the single worst thing I’ve known a parent to say their own child.
This is some heavy stuff you’re dealing with. I’m sorry that you and your daughter had to go through all of that, and it sounds like it’s been really tough on both of you.
It’s really brave of you to open up and try to reconnect with your daughter, and I’m glad to hear that things are going well so far. But let’s be real here: you can’t just “be supportive and helpful” to your daughter and expect that to be enough. You gave up your role as her mother 20 years ago, and that’s not something you can just take back. You need to be honest with her about that, and you need to be honest with yourself about what you can and can’t do for her.
I know it’s tough to admit that you can’t love your daughter the way a mother should, but that’s the truth. And it’s important for both you and your daughter to accept that and move forward from there. It’s not going to be easy, and it’s not going to be quick, but it’s something that you both need to work on together.
You say you’re trying to be better, and that’s great. But it’s not enough to just “try.” You need to actually do the work and put in the effort to be a better person, and to be there for your daughter in a meaningful way. That means being honest, being open, and being willing to listen and learn. It means taking responsibility for your actions and your mistakes, and it means being willing to put your daughter’s needs above your own.
So don’t just try to be a better person and a better mother. Actually be one. It’s not going to be easy, but it’s worth it. And if you need help or support along the way, don’t be afraid to ask for it. There are plenty of resources out there for people in your situation, and there are plenty of people who are willing to lend a helping hand.
Good luck, and take care.