Okay, I need to get this off my chest, and I’m curious how other people would react. If you think I’m being a total brat about it, I understand because I myself am torn on this.
Every year on Christmas Day we go to my father-in-laws home to celebrate the holiday. We usually always have a great time, my husbands family is small so there are only about 10 of us there including the kids. This year something was different. We got there, and I of course wished my FIL a Merry Christmas, but he ignored me, which was okay, he was finishing up the Christmas noodles so I didn’t think much of it. We had a good meal, and everyone seemed to be having a good time.
Then, it was present time. My FIL always fills my husband and his 2 siblings stockings, which is normally cute. But this year it was weird, the kids had to watch them all open them while there were no stockings for them, which isn’t a huge deal but it was just awkward this year. Next, he handing out everyone very nice presents and the kids and adults were all very happy and appreciative with their gifts. But, he didn’t give me anything. I thought it was weird and maybe he forgot, but after about 30 minutes my husband and SIL asked me what I got, while showing off their items and I quietly told them nothing. My feelings were hurt and I almost wanted to cry. I wouldn’t have cared if he gave me a pair of socks, but being left out of a family gift exchange I have been apart of for the past 12 years hurt.
I’m guessing my husband or SIL said something to my FIL because after about an hour he came over to me and gave me a gift card with no name on it and said he forgot he had that. Okay, great, and maybe I’m over thinking but it seemed like something he just happened to have on hand and gave to me after something was said to him. It hurt my feelings being an after thought, we’ve always had a good relationship.
When we got home my husband expressed that he was upset with my for pouting about it and said I was being spoiled. I can see his point, but I don’t think he was understanding how bad it hurt my feelings. I’ve never been forgot on Christmas, and my parents always do equal gifts for Christmas.
Am I being a brat? I’m even questioning if I want to continue spending my Christmas’s there in the future.
………………………..
Edit: my FIL have no current issues. In the 12 years my husband and I have been together, we have had 1 major disagreement a few years ago, but that has sense been resolved and have had holidays since.
His side of the family did an extended party the weekend before that I didn’t attend, but my husband and kids did. I had a lot to catch up on with Christmas and didn’t think it would be a big deal. My husbands side has 4 holiday gatherings every Christmas season, and mine has 2, so I decided to not attend one. That’s the only thing I can think of that could have rubbed him the wrong way, but I really don’t think it would bother him enough to ignore me on Christmas.
41 comments
I’m literally not even married but I’m sorry, what the fuck? I’d be hurt if I’ve been involved for 12 years and all of a sudden ignored. Especially if my husband told me I was being spoiled. He’s supposed to be on your side.
Fuck no.
Ask him, or ask your husband to ask him.
How old is your FIL? Is it possible there was an oversight(forgetfulness due to age)?
I probably would’ve gone into the bathroom and cried, not even lying. It’s being left out that hurts. Feeling forgotten, or intentionally cast out, *hurts*. Especially when it’s never happened before! You didn’t yell at anyone, you didn’t cause a scene. You didn’t do anything wrong.
Someone you care about showed you that you aren’t important to them. It’s not about the present. It’s about you being being the only one excluded. You have every right to be upset.
is your husband dumb? you aren’t a new member of the family, clearly the gift card had not been bought for you but even if it had, saying he forgot is also way out of line. no you aren’t being a brat your husband needs to ask what’s up
Honestly I would have been upset to. It’s not like he apologized for forgetting to give you the gift. So there’s clearly something going on. I would say ask him if everything’s ok between you guys.
I am so sorry this happened to you. Being excluded after all this time is not just hurtful, it’s cruel. I hope your husband sees this post and realizes what a jerk he is for his treatment of you. You deserve better. I hope the holiday fog clears and you get the apologies that are due
Is your husband blind or just insensitive? First you and the kids are ignored, then just you.
You need to be very clear and upfront about what happened and how it hurt you.
You’re right, it’s not about the gifts, but how you were treated.
However, I can’t help but feeling there is more to the story. What would prompt this hostility from your FIL?
You have a FIL and SO problem.
So sorry this happened to you. I definitely don’t feel that you’re being bratty about it at all. It hurts to feel like you’ve been forgotten, especially when it feels intentional. Even if he’s not elderly yet, it’s possible that he’s starting to become forgetful and was embarrassed when it was brought to his attention. So what appeared to be gruffness in giving you the gift card could have just been him feeling ashamed or embarrassed and didn’t want anyone to make a “thing” out of it.
The stockings thing is quite strange to give to the adult children and not the actual kids. I think your feelings are valid to feel left out and your husband was rude to call you spoiled.
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It’s impossible to say what is going on with the FIL but you need to talk about it. Given that nothing happened between you to cause an obvious rift it is very possible that he made an honest mistake. It’s also possible he’s harboring some grudge that you aren’t even aware about.
I believe you when you say it’s not about the gift. Quite frankly, if an adult wants something, they can just buy it for themselves which is why I don’t exchange Xmas gifts with the adults in the family. It’s mutually beneficial for all of us. Once we made that decision, no one cared.
But to feel slighted in a group dynamic probably made you feel really uncomfortable, so your husband referring to it as you “pouting” is unfair and a jerk remark. You are not being a brat. You need to tell hubby “if I want shit, I’ll buy it for myself. But to be excluded from a tradition was a bit of a gut punch”.
Having back up gift cards is a good move on FIL’s part because it happens, but look for signs if there is something up with him, either his health, or maybe he has an issue with you for some reason. And now that Xmas has passed, if you’re close with FIL, ask him about it. Again, not because of gift, but to make sure he has no issue with you.
Judging from your previous post your husband is a piece of shit and has been the whole time you’ve known him.
I don’t think you’re being a brat. It seems like it’s about more than the gift to you, it’s about not being considered. And I’d feel hurt too.
My only question (and this is kind of irrelevant), why wouldn’t you bring pre-packed stockings/presents for you and the kids if you spend Christmas with them every year? Do you open presents with just your nuclear family separately? If not, is the expectation for grandparents to buys gifts/stuff stockings for the kids?
This smells intentional. If I overlooked a guest at a shared family gift exchange, I’d be MORTIFIED. I’d be apologizing and owning my mistake. Your husband, OP, should be your defender and finding out what’s changed.
I’m sorry this happened to you.
> We got there, and I of course wished my FIL a Merry Christmas, but he ignored me, which was okay, he was finishing up the Christmas noodles so I didn’t think much of it.
I’m going to read the rest of your post and maybe comment, but can I just stop you right here and ask WTF are “Christmas noodles”..?
Ask your FIL directly just to be sure. Not about the presents, but if you did anything to wrong him if at all possible. Tell him that you care about the relationship you guys have and so you just want to keep the air clear between you guys if possible.
If he asks you what you’re talking out and makes out he has no idea why you’re asking this sort of question, just gently bring up the gift thing, not just yours but the kids stockings too.
I think your husband is being an insensitive little ***** and you’re not a brat.
Christmas is a very familiar rite and family is an important part of it. It’s a time that should be grounding and comforting for you, not jarring.
Passive aggressive treatment is not it.
But just stay polite and friendly as you start in on the topic with him.
Outright suspicion would make him defensive perhaps.
I hope it goes well dear.
Christmas hugs from me to you.
You’re not a brat . Your husband should be backing you up
Your FIL sounds like a dick . What he did to you is incomprehensible. Your husband should be more supportive. You sound like a good person .
Your FIL and your husband both sound like assholes to me.
I’m a gift card giver. I know some people think it’s lame, but I just think people can pick out their own gift, whether it’s an experience, a meal or clothing. If you want to grab a meal or go out, I offer babysitting as a bonus (I love my Grandkids, this is like a bonus gift to ME!)
I’m getting older, myself (58), so I can imagine the embarrassment from FIL’s side, forgetting to wrap your gift. You have no way of knowing whether this was deliberate or just old person brain.
I wouldn’t say you’re spoiled or anything like that. I’m just trying to give perspective from an old MIL. If my kid loves you, then I’m gonna do my best to love you, too. This is life. Do your best to laugh it off and be gracious about it. If it happens again next year, then maybe you’ve got an issue.
I agree with you especially being included. They can make us feel extremely isolated and then have the damn nerve to ask what’s wrong. B*tch please!
I really wish family would stop being buttholes during the holidays. They need to suck that up. Not everyone gets their way. It’s not like you ran your vehicle into their house.
Spending quality time together and being included in the family especially during the holidays counts as a massive present. I completely get how you feel.
Another thing some family members expect you to ALWAYS be there but the minute you say no it’s like Carrie’s mother coming out of her prayer closet.
Go by how you feel. They can get mad and get glad. If you wanted a break then take the break. Always next year.
You said your FIL ignored you when you arrived. Did he ignore other people as well? Your husband unfortunately seems not too care. I would feel as you did. At this point I would see how he reacts during future events with you. Whatever is going on, this is his problem not yours.
I wish I didn’t have to do secret santa with my family.
I think you should clarify with your husband why you have the feelings you do. I assume he thinks you’re upset about not getting a gift, rather than being upset because you’re worried about the relationship between you and FIL. Just say something like, “I don’t mind not getting a gift, I’m just worried I did something to upset your dad” or “I’m not upset about not getting a gift, I’m just sad because it feels like I was forgotten about, and I thought your dad and I were closer than that”.
Either way, I’m sorry your feelings were hurt. I hope you and your husband come to an understanding, and that whatever happened between you and your FIL is resolved so you can feel at peace again
I think you should ask your husband how he would feel if you two were at your parents house and he received nothing after 12 years of ALWAYS receiving something, while the rest of the family, siblings and their spouses included, open gifts from her parents. And nice thoughtful gifts at that! He might see things differently if you put it to him in those terms.
I might understand if he’d never liked you but if everything had been cool the last twelve years then yeah that’s definitely weird. I’d be upset as well. Have you tried talking to him?
So it’s not about the present and hubby needs you to explain that to him NOW!
It’s about someone you saw as a second father, grandparent to your kids, whom you love and respect, totally ignored you. You felt the pain of someone ignoring you- you wouldn’t have cared if it was lint just something to acknowledge the relationship you have with him.
Sounds like your “pouting” was an organic reaction to being excluded. Imo, your SO should have shown more concern for your feelings of hurt and alienation. It’s not about the gift. Whether you were excluded intentionally or just through carelessness, your “pouting” was the consequence of your FIL’s actions. I’m sorry to hear that you experienced this. Hope you have a HNY.
Your husband needs to be reminded that if he doesn’t have anything nice to say, he should say nothing at all.
You have every right to be hurt and your feelings are valid.
Sounds like this needs a serious heart-to-heart with your husband. Do you practice safe communication with each other? Try using the speaker-listener technique (DDG search link: [https://duckduckgo.com/?q=speaker-listener+technique&t=brave&ia=web](https://duckduckgo.com/?q=speaker-listener+technique&t=brave&ia=web)) and see if you can get your point across. Best wishes.
Does the fil normally give you gifts on Christmas?
Oh no! I am so sorry this happened to you. This happened to my husband and I a few years ago. His extended family does a gift exchange every year. We got gifts for everyone and their kids. Costs us around 500.00 dollars we didn’t have. Guess what they got us? Nothing, nada, zero. I handed them their gifts and we held back our anger. We never did Christmas with them again. I straight up told my MIL I would never go back there again.
I don’t think you’re being a brat or overreacting. I’d call him and invite him out for a coffee. See how he’s acting towards you, and if you think he’s being cold or hurtful, ask him if there’s something you did that upset him. Tell him you’d like to have the opportunity to either apologize or make it right.
I think you should show your husband this post. It’s written very fairly; just say you can’t shake it off and were looking for perspective. He will see he hasn’t taken your feelings seriously enough when he gets to the comments. It’s not on.
Nah thats weird
Is it possible something was said about you at the party that you missed and FIL was hurt? Was your husband irritated when you missed the party? Could he have grumbled about you choosing to stay home and it was FILs way of taking sides?
The fact that your husband is so dismissive over such a blatantly weird and rude behaviour makes me wonder if he’s involved in it somehow
There’s nothing short of dementia that would be a good explanation for not giving you a present.
If other family-members of your age were getting gifts, and if there was a tradition of you getting a gift, there is no excuse for you not to have got one. In that context, it does not even matter if you’d given him an actual reasons to be annoyed at you. Leaving you out of gift-giving would be contrary to the spirit of Christmas.
Does your hubby’s sister have a hubby who got a gift? Because if an SIL got one, it would be doubly inconsiderate not to give one to a DIL.
I assume you’ve been getting gifts all these 12 years? Or is this whole set up somehow new?
So your husband says you’re over-reacting. But, the real question is this: what is his explanation of you not getting a gift? A slip of memory? Something else?
I would of asked the FIL after what’s up? Did I say or do something to offend you ?
Id of handled it exactly like you did. Not said anything unless explicitly asked about it.
You’re NTA.
But I do wonder if you can afford him some empathy. You needed to skip a family function because you needed that time for yourself. Maybe he was also behind, stressed, or otherwise busy and just missed this. What I’m saying is, it may not have been personal. Especially considering he felt the need to make sure you got something before leaving.