Hey there [25M]. So recently I asked my close friends both male and female for their opinion on why I’m single and they say it’s because I’m too kind. The consensus among them is that I have a very “saint like” personality. Now I want to make it clear that I don’t act like this expecting anything in return from women.
But I do feel that certain patterns of behaviour are hindering my chances with them like over apologizing for things (even things that are not my fault). For reference, I’ve apologized to women for asking them out and if doing so made them uncomfortable. I also try to avoid addressing issues that I have when people are doing me wrong because I feel like I’m being the bigger person when I do that.
I’m guessing this is a huge turn off. Any tips?
8 comments
You should give [this](https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-audiobook/dp/B078927ZYL) a try, I bet you’ll find yourself in there.
You ain’t the only one who does this, I’m just as bad for being overly nice. But you should not change that to fit in. Fitting in makes you just like the rest and less unique.
being kind isnt an issue. being a doormat is, avoiding conflict is, avoiding sharing your feelings is. you can be kind and also be confident, and communicate clearly, and show someone youre interested in them romantically and sexually.
>For reference, I’ve apologized to women for asking them out and if doing so made them uncomfortable.
Supposing you didn’t ask them out at a bad time, like if they are busy at work, then why would you apologize? What did you do wrong? Why would they feel uncomfortable? Asking and assuming that without evidence means you’re infantilizing them, treating them like they aren’t capable, independent, self-sufficient women. Or it’s like you’re treating them like superior beings, like you’re saying that it was wrong for you to ask them out, indicating a lack of self-esteem.
>I also try to avoid addressing issues that I have when people are doing me wrong because I feel like I’m being the bigger person when I do that.
Why does this make you the bigger person? This sounds like you don’t have proper self-esteem and conflict resolution skills. It sounds like you’re being self-sacrificial or selfless, which isn’t actually moral or being the “bigger” person, or you’re being too timid or non-confrontational. Also, it’s kind of treating the person like a child where they aren’t responsible for their actions.
>I’m guessing this is a huge turn off. Any tips?
Well, it might be huge turn off for some and for the more rational women, but it might appeal to other women.
You could spend some time learning how to be objectively moral and how to be more objective in your treatment of others.
I’d recommend checking out https://courses.aynrand.org/works/the-objectivist-ethics/
Models: Attract Women Through Honesty by Mark Manson might help for more practical dating advice.
Are you a Libra? 😂
In all seriousness there is nothing wrong with being kind and respectful. The problem is being passive and a push over. The solution is finding your self worth. If you know your worth than you won’t always concede and apologize for things that are normal like asking a woman out.
Work on your confidence and self esteem.
Then you will meet the right woman worthy and Appreciative of all your kindness.
Only toxic women wants assholes and toxic men.
Get a copy of No more Mr nice guy by Dr Robert Glover, he specializes in curing guys of their “nice guy” tenencies.
It doesn’t sound like you’re too kind, it sounds actually like you don’t have good boundaries or sense of self respect, and those things will turn women off. Know your worth and defend it. Having and maintaining healthy boundaries is a turn on and will lead to healthier relationships.
Avoid isssues only shows you as fearful and weak, not a higher person. If you can’t tackle issues head on and directly, then you are not ready for a real relationship.