This is what she told me: “My fiance and I have been together for 2 and a half years. We moved in together about a year ago and got engaged 7 months ago. He is kind, loving and supportive.
Both of us have jobs but mine allows me to work from home most days. He has a 9 to 5 office job.
Everyday he gets up early and works out, cleans the house, cooks breakfast for both of us and even packs lunch for himself on days he wants home cooked lunch at office. He also preps lunch for me most days. Then, as soon as he comes home, he makes dinner for us. He also does all the grocery shopping and all other small errands.
Whenever I try to do things like cooking or cleaning, he says that he loves me and I don’t have to do this, this is not the woman’s job and that it’s the 21st century and women have equal rights etc…
He doesn’t stop me directly but finds ways to do all the work before I have a chance to start. Like, if i get up early to do some chores, he gets up too and does everything else.
I don’t know why he does this but I feel guilty for not doing anything for him. What should I do?”
TLDR : Fiance won’t let me do anything around the house and I feel guilty.
14 comments
Id totally roll with it! Let him know that you can and will help, je doesn’t have to do it all alone and continue trying to help but if he wants to do it then ace. Maybe surprise him one day with dinner cooked before he gets home from work.
Other than that – where can I get me one of those like her fiancé 😉
Have her tell him if he wants her to have equal rights than he can equally let her help out.
> I feel guilty for not doing anything for him. What should I do?
I would suggest that she sits and reflects on this feeling is this due to internalized gender expectations? Try this thought experiment- If she was a man, does she think she’d still feel so guilty?
On the other hand, is she a guest in this house or a welcome partner? She could perhaps try from this angle of partnership and mutual support.
Sounds like the best dude I’ve ever heard of. As a straight man, I’d like to maybe marry this guy. Kudos to this man for kicking so much ass.
It sounds like one of his love languages is acts of service, but possibly more on the giving end than the receiving. If one of hers is hers is also providing those acts, I can definitely see how that would be an issue—are there maybe *other* tasks she could do for him if that’s the case? I know every situation is different, but my partner also does almost all of the cleaning, cooking, household stuff, etc. while I manage the finances, pay all of the bills, and do most of the grocery shopping. It’s a happy balance and we both feel well-cared for, which I would imagine is the ultimate goal and not just being able to do more of the work. If this were one of my friends, I would likely encourage them to sit down and talk to their partner about the ways that they like to give and receive affection; it’s entirely possible that one of things he wants is just quality time and doing those chores makes more room for that. If that’s the case, maybe knowing that he feels that way would allow her to not feel guilty, though I definitely understand that feeling.
Is her fiancé some kind of control freak ?
I don’t get it. If she truly feels guilty for not contributing to the relationship (which, lets be blunt, she’s not, and she should feel guilty for it), then she needs to find ways to contribute. She needs to get up early and do the chores anyway. She needs to ask to take over certain things. She needs to be the first person to jump to it. Especially if she works from home, she can do chores on her lunch break, or start dinner on his commute home.
There’s many ways she can put in effort, if she just…tries.
You’re lucky and you should thank god everyday
She should make a chore chart so there is better division of labor
Sounds less like he is concerned about you working and it’s more of an OCD thing. Eg: wants certain laundry detergent etc
Plenty of ways to show love, if he already calls dibs on housework, just pick another lane, no need to argue over it lol
In what context did she type out this reddit post for you? Not trying to be rude this is just extremely strange.
Also, how is she ever going to see this? We need to give *her* advice, ask *her* questions. We don’t need to talk to you.
The post itself also just doesn’t seem very realistic. There’s literally not enough time in a day.
Edit: I also see from your post history that you’re a teenager, so I’m curious in what context you even know these people.
The fiancé sounds anxious as fuck honestly. I think there’s two pieces to this. The first had to be untangling the scripts that make him feel like he cannot allow her to do any housework or he is being a Bad Feminist. That can be done with gentle nonjudgmental questions. I would focus on how both of you deserve equal free time to have leisure. The second piece is the actual chore division. But you can’t get to two without one.
First off hes not trying to make u feel bad. He obviously loves you so much. He wants to provide for you and is doing so by trying to make your life as easy as possible. Talk to him about sharing the responsibilities. Tell him u want to be equal in the relationship and that hes not there just to serve u.