I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 years. I’m close with his family (white British) and he’s close with mine (south Asian). As a couple, we’ve adapted to our cultural differences, and usually things are pretty smooth sailing when it comes to bridging those differences.
BUT sometimes, his family will say/do something that makes me feel uncomfortable.
For example, it recently came out in conversation that no-one in his family actually knows my last name despite knowing me for 6+ years. In a hugely uncomfortable situation, surrounded by his family, I kept saying my last name and they’d either repeat back with funny sounds (*picture the scene in Friends where Joey’s trying to learn French*) or would say “oh I always thought your surname was \[last name that sort of sounds like mine but isn’t\]”. I just kept nervously giggling and hoping it would end.
I then realised from this conversation that they possibly don’t even know my first name, since they’ve only ever called me by an Anglicised nickname. This isn’t the first such situation I’ve been in with them, and I’m starting to really worry about it.
**The situation offended me because:**
1. 6 years in and they haven’t bothered to look at my name long enough to learn it. They could look at it on social media pretty easily.
2. In my culture, it’s considered a basic respect to other humans to say their name properly, or to at least bother asking what it is.
3. I felt very mocked by the funny sounds they were making. I experienced this a lot at primary school, especially just after I moved to the UK, but never from grown adults let alone my future in-laws.
4. My name isn’t even hard to say. Seriously.
5. I worry how they will behave around my family in the future. I’m fiercely protective of my family and (seriously) would rather break up with my boyfriend of 6 years than to put my family in a situation where they feel offended because of their name or where they come from. PoCs deal with enough of that as it is, let alone having to deal with it from their in-laws.
**I spoke with my boyfriend about the above points and he agrees, but he didn’t offer any action since he doesn’t have the kind of relationship with his family where he could voice this concern – it would be too awkward. Fortunately, I don’t really mind awkward situations so I would like advice on:**
1. How *I* can communicate the above concerns to his family without offending them. Note that they are “stiff upper lip” sort of British people, so it will be extremely uncomfortable but I’d like to minimise that for both sides.
2. How I can better stand up for myself in the moment if this sort of thing happens again, instead of nervously laughing to avoid the immediate confrontation.
3. How to, after 6 years, request that they start calling my by my proper name instead of the Anglicised nickname. This is important to me because it would show to me that they’re happy to put in that minimal effort to engage with my culture.
Thank you so much in advance!
31 comments
The person who needs to speak to the family about this and set hard boundaries is your boyfriend. The fact that he has not done this may give you some insight as to where his priorities lie. At least have a conversation where he knows how upset you are about this and then see what he does once he knows.
So what about their relationship makes your bf unwilling to speak to them?
First: tell your boyfriend to deal with the uncomfortable nature of this, life is uncomfortable and he can’t let his parents *make weird noises in replacement of your name*. Like, the actual fuck.
Second: prepare for an actual confrontation. My parents are english, and their parents were English and so on. They will do everything possible to *not* change and respect you unless you stand your ground *hard*. It’s shitty but they are not use to not having everything their way.
Third: make sure that they know that you will not be visiting them until they pronounce your name correctly. Presumably it is not a hard name, so tell them to get it right or suffer you not being around them, and by default, their precious little boy will see them less too.
Hi sweetheart. One of the parts of my job is to respond to google reviews. Today, a google reviewer had a name that didn’t have English letters so I looked up the best way to respond to them respectfully.
I don’t know this person, will never meet them, and am conversing with them as part of a product review- and I wanted to get their name right. It’s not that fucking hard to be respectful.
This behavior is racist and beyond appalling – and it’s your boyfriend who should be ashamed and clean it up for you.
You deserve respect- and a partner who will stand up to make sure you’re treated well.
His family doesn’t respect you. It’s not hard to ask and learn how to pronounce someone’s name. They don’t care to. Your bf has no spine when it comes to his family. He doesn’t care they disrespect you all the time by not knowing your name after 6 years. This is how it will be with him. He won’t stand up to his family for anything they do. Is this the kind of life you want?
To be honest, I’d feel disrespected by my boyfriend if he didn’t bring this up with his family himself. If you indicated to him that it’s hurtful to you, I feel like that should be enough for him to face the awkwardness. No matter what type of relationship he has with them. Your opinion may be different, but I’d see it as his role as the “go between,” so to speak. If it’s awkward for him, it’s going to be even more awkward for you.
I know it’s not the same thing, but my name is spelled in a funky way. It’s a common name in the US, but my parents decided to give me a lot of extra letters. I am never offended when like a cashier assumes it’s spelled one way and spells it wrong. But I take it as a sign of disrespect when I type an email and sign my name and the other person…with my name right there…spells it wrong. Because it takes two seconds to just look at it and get it right. It happened with all my teachers, bosses, etc. It’s one thing to have some trouble with it, but if they have known you for years and aren’t trying to learn it, that’s rude as hell.
If you still feel like you want to be the one to do it, I would just firmly state that it makes you uncomfortable and you would appreciate it if they’d adjust. If they take offense to that simple request, it’s on them, not you.
You haaaaave a boyfriend problem! Not a family problem. They are shitty. They are racist. They don’t even view you with enough humanity to know your name. Either your boyfriend 1)didn’t notice 2)doesn’t think it’s shitty or 3)thinks it’s shitty but doesn’t want to rock the boat by stopping it. None of those options are things a boyfriend should do.
That’s so horrible of them. I’m Welsh and had an English ex that would do the same, wouldn’t even try to properly pronounce a place or name if it wasn’t English he would just say flibbertigibbet or some other such insulting nonsense and then giggle. Your boyfriend’s family should be embarrassed, I always felt really ashamed and embarrassed when my ex would do this. I get that it’s hard but to not even try and then make blabla nonsense noises is just absurd and childish.
I’m sorry your partners family is like this. What did your partner say when you spoke about it?
Um, yeah, I’d stop giving a shit about possibly offending them and would call them out on it in the moment. “Excuse me, I’m sure you’re not intending to be rude, however it’s quite disrespectful to make those odd sounds in lieu of my name. I’d be happy to write it out in phonetics to make it easier for you.” Or, to avoid face-to-face confrontation, send them a link to this post.
I have a sinking suspicion that your BF already knows his parents/family are racist/will only accept you if you assimilate into their culture, and he’s pulling an ostrich to avoid having to face it.
Pull the leader aside (mom or dad) and look them in the eye and just say it bluntly “I know you haven’t known many people with a name like mine but I really would like you to use my name properly. It’s important to me.”.
That’s it. Don’t get into “my culture this, your culture that”…..it will just make them dig in their heels into the stupid sand.
Oh hell no – if the boyfriend came with “backbone sold separately” he can fuck right off and go out with this week’s trash. He absolutely needs to be the one who deals with this, and he’s 6 years too late to do it in a timeframe which would make him any kind of a worthwhile partner. This is his family, and if you start a dynamic where he “stays out of it” you’re going to be demonized and he’s not going to do shit about it.
Stiff upper lip Brit people who can’t pronounce your last name and can’t be bothered to learn how – how colonial.
Don’t laugh or giggle when they pronounce it wrong. Give them the same stiff upper lip treatment.
If your boyfriend doesn’t speak up about his family’s racist behavior, you should rethink taking this relationship further. What happens when you have kids and they hear his family mocking your name?
You can correct them any time they “joke” – “please don’t do that, that sounds racist to mock my name like that”, “that’s not funny. My name is pronounced….”
Or you could butcher their names too. Or pronounce it with a super snooty accent.
You have a BF problem. If he isn’t willing to confront his family’s racism then you don’t have a future.
Well, if he isnt that close with his family, even easier to go no contact if theyre the racists i think they are. He will ask them to be respectful, or he and you are out of their lives. If he doesnt, then youre out of his life.
If your boyfriend can’t stand up to his parents to the extent that he insists they pronounce your name properly, then you need to get a better boyfriend. What happens in the future if you have another crisis and he folds because it’s ‘awkward’? He needs to step up or fuck off.
Also, they sound like they suck. Like, on a really petty, fundamental level.
Nope. You each deal with your own family. You should be upset with your partner for not having your back.
My advice on how to talk to them? Don’t. Not your monkeys not your circus. Your boyfriend is *allowing* his family to be *openly racist* towards you. Think about that for a second.
Why have you been with a spineless a-hole for so long?
You are an amazing person, full of love and patience. I truly think the way you are handling this is the picture of grace.
Something similar happened in my family, my SIL has a challenging South Asian name, and my white family didn’t learn it. My brother sat us all down a few years into their relationship and made us learn it. I am grateful that he approached the situation head on, and incredibly ashamed of not learning her family name on my own.
edit: we never made noises in replacement of name, name was five syllables and we shortened it to first syllable. still not cool.
If you want real advice from a mixed race relationship here goes:
My FIL cannot pronouce Josh, his language has no voiced fricatives so it is pronouces Dioss (like god in spanish with a longer s) after 3 years.
The main issue tends for me to be simply. Are they trying or taking the piss? some langages struggle with sounds and will never get it right. But also they might just be assholes.
If they are trying but cannot get it then fine. If not then they need to be sat down and get some respect.
If you’re called Anh or such fine but if you’re called something more like 梦圆 then its a bit harder because the e nad ua sounds dont exitst in english so theyll get mesed up.
1. Why are you worried about not offending your boyfriend, when he doesn’t seem to care about you being offended?
2. “No, my name is ()”, repeated as they start, and when they escalate, “I would like this conversation to stop now”, or “This is offensive, and I don’t appreciate it.” depending on how you want to handle it.
3. “After the offensive conversation about my name the other day, I have decided that I would like you to call me () moving forward. It is important to me as it will show me that you are happy to put in the minimal effort to engage with my culture.”
Lots of people here are going to tell you that they are racists and you should leave your BF. Very typical Reddit opinions lol
Bear in mind that these people probably don’t know that it bothers you. I can speak for this first hand, as I’m a white guy dating an Asian woman. Not that I went around making jokes about race, but I had no idea how harmful comments like that could be until my gf told me her story. Here are my thoughts, I hope you guys can resolve this!
1. He needs to communicate this to his family, not you. It will go much more smoothly.
2. Let it be obvious that you aren’t cool with it. Don’t giggle
3. Again, I’d let your bf handle this
Edit: as for your bf not wanting to cause conflict, I would tell him that you pretty much just need him to do it. It is very important to you, and if he’s worth a damn, he’ll tell them to knock it off.
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Girl be so fucking for real right now.
Your boyfriend of six years doesn’t want to defend you against racism, and you’re wondering how *you* can fix it?
Love yourself more is the only advice I can give you, cause if he didn’t want to you experience racism he’d stand up to his own family
You have a problem caused by yourself and your BF.
Your point 1. Where in 6 years they could have learnt it, from social media, is the only part of your post that you have wrong. You and your BF had the responsibility to tell them, what your name is, and how to pronounce it, from Day 1, you should have been telling them and enforcing it from day one.
And as someone who obviously speaks English as a second language, you should know how rubbish the English language is, and the multitude of ways to pronounce the assembly of letters that make up words, and names, and should also know that the only way to ensure that it is learnt properly is by hearing, and speaking it, not trying to read it.
As to your other parts. Tell them straight. Tell them how offensive their actions are, tell your bf that they have to make a concerted effort and quickly to learn and use your correct name, and correctly pronounce it. And if they fail, then break up with him. (If you don’t just decide to break up with him anyway)
>In my culture, it’s considered a basic respect to other humans to say their name properly
That’s universal, these people just sound like arseholes
(Stiff-upper-lipped Brit)
Idk about anything constructive bc I think it’s a wrap. You manage your side of the family he manages his. If one of you can’t or won’t do that you cannot have a life together – problems occur, conversations and sometimes confrontations need to be had.
When you’ve decided you have enough just start making comments about how the new PM is Indian bc white British people are too stupid to succeed anymore – you people can’t even pronounce my name and you’ve known me for 6 years – no wonder we’re taking all your jobs, your stupid and lazy! Stuff about the education system etc. but none of that is helpful.
Boyfriend needs to grow a spine and talk/correct his family and defend you.
You have a much bigger problem than your realize, that will only grow as time goes on. It’s weird to say it, but the racism of his family is actually a symptom.
>I spoke with my boyfriend about the above points and he agrees, but he didn’t offer any action since he doesn’t have the kind of relationship with his family where he could voice this concern – it would be too awkward.
Your boyfriend would rather you be uncomfortable, mocked and insulted than deal with any discomfort or awkwardness himself. He is literally saying that if he has to choose between you suffering or himself or his family suffering, he will choose to let you suffer.
Dwell on that for a good while. Ask yourself if you want to be with someone whose first concern is other people’s comfort, not your own.
Prince Harry left a whole country behind so that his wife and child wouldn’t be subject to racist incidents probably like the one you described. The least your bf can do is address his family’s rudeness with them directly instead of ignoring it.
what you should be concerned about is why your boyfriend of 6 years has 0 backbone to stick up for you in front of his family. they are insulting you and making you uncomfortable, and he’s okay with standing by and letting it happen because “he doesn’t like uncomfortable situations.” think about what this means in the future. is this a dependable man and partner you want to keep in your life — someone who will allow you to be hurt and feel uncomfortable because he has 0 courage to stand up for you?