My (F) partner (M) started using marijuana several years ago. When we first started dating, he did not use marijuana. I realized that I did not enjoy having sex when he was stoned. I asked him to please not use marijuana prior to being intimate with me, because I felt like I was having sex with a different person in the sense that it didn’t feel genuine/right/like our normal interactions. I am generally sober and have been totally sober for the last few years. I wasn’t telling him not to use marijuana ever – just not before we had sex.
Here’s the issue – he got pretty upset with me and basically said it didn’t matter and how was it different and that he thought my request was ridiculous.
So on we went and now he uses marijuana daily (multiple times a day). I still don’t like it but have been afraid to broach the subject again.
He now complains of not enough sex. But I truly hate it now and only oblige just enough to keep him off my back. Which of course is never actually enough.
Red flag 🚩 or not?
7 comments
Giant
Big red flag. Not that he uses marijuana, but that he uses it when you have asked him not to. That’s disrespectful.
You’ve told him you don’t enjoy sex when he’s stoned, and his response is that he wants to do it anyway. So he doesn’t mind you not enjoying sex. Biggest possible red flag in a sexual relationship, I would say.
Huge red flag! Not respecting boundaries, pleasure, not wanting to communicate and biggest of all not taking you seriously.
Feeling off put by this is completely valid
You straight up said you didn’t consent to having sex with him while he was under the influence. He effectively said too bad, and coerced you, or manipulated (wore you down etc) you into having sex with him
Massive red flag. He doesn’t respect you.
The harsh honest truth — it sounds like he cares more about the marijuana then he does about you and how you feel.
You’ve made it abundantly clear that you don’t like having sex when he’s high all the time. You’ve provided him with proper, legitimate reasons why you feel this way.
He isn’t acknowledging your feelings one bit. In fact, he’s disregarding them completely. What’s worse, because of how he reacted, you are understandably reluctant to get intimate.
Right now it sounds like only a matter of time before this ends unless something changes. Honestly, I get why you’re afraid, but if you see any value left in the relationship you need to bring this up again and tell him how serious this is to you. How long do you think you can realistically go on like this if you don’t ?