My girlfriend (34 f) and I (36 m) have been together for about 9 months. She told me right from the start that she has BPD and is in DBT therapy for it. I do believe that the therapy has to be working, because from all accounts…. She was not the greatest person for much of her earlier years. However, I did not know her at that time so I cannot speak to that.
80% of the time, our relationship is great. We talk all day, spend as much time together as we can, do all the things that couples do.
That other 20% leaves me confused and frustrated as hell. We will be totally fine, then next thing you know she’s saying that she doesn’t deserve me. That she doesn’t think she can even ever be in a relationship. That she just needs time to think….
I’m an anxious person to begin with. So when these situations arise…. It is just a daunting task to respect her wishes and to give her some time. My immediate reaction to this would normally be to, at least, figure out what brought this on so suddenly. Knowing she has BPD though…. I try to just do it. Just let her think. Let her talk to me when she’s ready. I have failed nearly every time (which, it’s only been about 3 or 4 times, and normally doesn’t last more then a couple days.). I always find myself thinking that I should at least say goodnight, and just let her know I’m here and I’m thinking about her. For the most part, she hasn’t minded me doing this. She has snapped at me before, but almost immediately came back and told me that she is truly sorry. That she knows that this is hurting me also, and that she truly does not want to hurt me and that’s why she needs the time. She normally thanks me for staying with her through it, and promises that it’s not about anything I did wrong. She just needs to figure out her moods and wants to be clear headed when her and I talk.
Currently… I am dealing with the longest “need some time to think” yet. Although, much of this has to do with her going to see her sick dad over Easter weekend. We have already started talking again, but since she is still with her dad I haven’t seen her yet. This one has been 5 days. As I said though…. She has been gone at her dad’s.
I was doing pretty well with keeping my distance this time. Only sending the one goodnight text at night. She always responded. Never got upset that I was doing it. Always thanked me for giving her this time. She has even found some side work for me at her dad’s house and even called and had me speak to her dad for a bit about the work. So…. I’m not really scared of losing her. Although these thinking breaks definitely take a toll on an anxious mind.
So, tomorrow we have planned a lunch date / afternoon together. She wants to have a discussion about some solutions we can come up with for dealing with things when she does “go off the rails” as she says.
I know she is always a bit scared I am going to leave her because of all of it. She has mentioned it to me on a few occasions. I try my best to re assure her that, as long as she will have me, and as long as she stays faithful and I can trust her, that I’m not going anywhere. That we can deal with all of it together. She seems to appreciate the sentiment, but I don’t think she believes me when I say it.
Anyway…. I have done some independent research, and really have come up empty handed. Does anyone out there have any ideas on how I might be able to reassure her when she “goes off the rails”. Or how I can navigate the situation when I start to see some of the signs that things are about to get ugly. Any advice at all beyond ” Dude she has BPD. Run!” Would be greatly appreciated….
She is a great girl. I do have feelings for her. I am not going to run because she has BPD. So any advice is welcome. Thank you in advance!
Tl;Dr -. Girlfriend has BPD. How can I talk to, calm, reassure her, that I’m not going anywhere and that her and I can get through all of it together?
4 comments
You will have to go to a support group and speak to a therapist yourself. It sounds like she isn‘t at a stage to have a longterm relationship yet and that might be something you will just have to accept.
You sound like you’re doing everything right. As long as her behavior is not detrimental to your mental health then I say keep doing what you’re doing and respecting her wishes. She needs to hold up her side of the bargain by continually going to therapy, too. Couples counselling may also help you to learn communication strategies if that’s something she would be interested in. People with BPD are quite different in symptomatology, so what works for dealing with one person may not work for the best. Doing some digging about your own attachment style may provide some useful information for communicating your own boundaries and needs to your partner. Just because she has extraneous needs doesn’t mean hers are a priority over yours, you have to be happy in this relationship and have stability too. It sounds like you two are on the right track.
You could send her a text maybe early morning tomorrow before the date to confirm she is going to make it.
You as a person can’t reach into her brain and slow down all of her chemicals so there’s really nothing that you personally can do. You can’t make her world better. All you can do is try to recognize when she is going up up up and then down down down and give her some space. Even when you tell a Bipolar person that they are up up up or down down down, this may not be enough, it may not mean anything to them, and how they feel right now is how they feel right now , the end, nothing changes.
You seem like an anxious person so I think it’s going to be important for you to manage this relationship by being able to manage yourself. To be less anxious and it’s to be more independent. It can be very helpful to get busy and have more things going on.
**She is a great girl**
Kolsen, most pwBPD are good and caring individuals. Their problem is not being BAD but, rather, being UNSTABLE. Indeed, a pwBPD typically exhibits the warmth, spontaneity, vulnerability, and purity of expressions that otherwise are seen only in young children.
This is why pwBPD usually are very easy to fall in love with. It thus is not surprising that 3 of the world’s most beloved women — Marilyn Monroe, Judy Garland, and Princess Diana — all had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.
**How can I reassure her that I’m not going anywhere?**
Kolsen, my experience is that you usually cannot reassure a person with BPD (pwBPD) while she is in a deeply distrusting mood. Moreover, even if you managed to do so, it would last for only a short while. Until she has successfully completed many years of DBT training, she will have a weak perception of “object constancy” — i.e., she cannot see that your commitment and love for her are essentially unchanged from day to day and week to week.
This is why it is impossible for you — through sacrifices and gifts — to build up a store of appreciation and good will on which you can later draw during the hard times. Like a young child, a pwBPD’s perception of you is fully dictated by whatever intense feeling she is experiencing AT THIS VERY MOMENT.
Hence, trying to build up a lasting store of appreciation is as futile as trying to build a lasting sandcastle on the shore beside the sea. It will be washed aside by the next tide of intense feelings flooding her mind. Likewise, it is futile to keep trying to convince her that you truly love her. Although she may believe you for a while, she will start doubting your love as soon as her feelings change.
Further, whatever you do will be hurtful to her much of the time. A pwBPD often will perceive you as being hurtful when you DO something and hurtful when you DON’T do it.
This conundrum is due to the position of her two great fears — abandonment and engulfment — at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you often find yourself in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.
Your predicament is that the solution to calming her abandonment fear (drawing close and being intimate) is the very action that triggers her engulfment fear. Likewise, the solution to calming her engulfment fear (moving back away to give her breathing space) is the very action that triggers her abandonment fear.
As you move close to comfort her and assure her of your love, you eventually will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she’s being suffocated and controlled by you. Because she has a weak sense of self-identity, she easily becomes very enmeshed in your strong personality during sustained periods of closeness and intimacy. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you will find that you’ve started triggering her abandonment fear.
In my 15 years of experience with my BPD exW, I found that there is no midpoints solution (between “too close” and “too far away”) where you can safely stand to avoid triggering those two fears. Until a pwBPD learns how to better regulate her own emotions and tame her two fears, that Goldilocks position will not exist. This is why a relationship with an untreated pwBPD typically is characterized by a repeating cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back. This, at least, has been my experience, Kolsen.