She was at work and I was at a family party with our 2yo. I drove home Saturday night, after ball drop, around 3am and got home by 4. My wife usually ends her shift around this time but never made it home, until 8am. I let her sleep in and I woke her up around 1, by feeling on her. This inevitably led to me eating her out and having sex. About an hour after we do it, she comes out of the room and sits down in the living room, to explain to me how she feels really bad about making out with this new girl at work. I think NBD it’s NYE, she gets a little drunk and has done this before. As i start to pry, as to why she feels so bad about it, she confesses that a little more happened then just a kiss. She says this female co-worker she made out with, also made out with her pussy! Aka she got eaten out by this co-worker. As soon as she told me this i instantly got hard but also felt absolutely betrayed. Very strange situation. She says she feels like she sinned, she’s disgusted with herself and it will never happen again. She doesnt want to do 3somes and made a huge mistake. I have told her i forgive her for what happened but the more i think about it the more angry it makes me. She thinks its nbd because its a girl and its not like it was a man. However turned on i am by this, i still find myself very confused, angry and betrayed, as if it was a man anyway. All trust is gone and Idk what to do… destroy my marriage over it or forgive and move on. Put the shoe on the other foot and it’s just not the same story. Now i have to worry if its ever going to happen again. why do i feel so emasculated… any advice?
29 comments
Resentment will build … that’s all I have to say.
It doesn’t matter that it was a woman. It was still cheating. Considering you guys have been together for so long and you have a child together, I would say you should do your best to forgive and forget.
If you want to try to make it work, I would look into therapy for yourself as well as couples therapy. You are justified in feeling angry. She has done serious damage to your relationship and this will take a lot of healing to make it better
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Well you’ll probably not be retiring until you are 70, so why not!
You’re a fucking weirdo dude
Cheating is cheating. You aren’t so bothered by it now, because you think its hot. That’ll change.
Cheating is cheating. She will also do it again , all you got is lip service. Next time a pretty girl wants the same she will give in. Stay with her if you like hurting yourself and getting some free PTSD. Considering she just “excused” herself of cheating and you instantly forgave her I’m sure she is feeling a nice round of positive reinforcement and won’t feel so guilty the next time she wants to eat someone out.
You let this slide, she’ll think she can do it again.
Do not sweep this under the rug. You may be able to come back from it but only by confronting it for what it is. Cheating.
You don’t have to make any decisions right now. But stop any attempts on her part to minimize it, to blame it on alcohol, call it not cheating because it’s a woman, or anything else that denies responsibility. Shut that down hard. Explain that any of this will end up with you seeing a lawyer.
Read this for what you are looking for from her:
https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868
Give this to her:
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/recovery/what-every-ws-needs-to-know/
Get a copy of Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and read it together. She may need to find a new job if she can’t go no contact with her coworker.
The big message: if you sweep this under the rug it will come back and bite you both down the line.
Finally, better subs for you: r/survivinginfidelity for a more divorce oriented point of view and r/AsOneAfterInfidelity for a more reconciliation oriented point of view.
Woman or man, she sought sexual contact with someone other than you. Unless previously agreed upon, this is cheating. Genitalia doesn’t even factor into it. Monogamy is an agreement between two people. There are no loopholes, clauses, etc unless agreed upon by both parties. Take some time to yourself to see if this is truly something you can come back from. Don’t involve others, as this is your decision. It’s your life. Betrayal is not something easily fixed. Do you want to try? What do you want to do? This is your life
I suggest you the sub r/supportforbetrayed for better advise
So it’s ok to have an emotional reaction based on the very real fact that your wife betrayed you, cheated, and (what probably hurts the worst) doesn’t seem to care all that much that she did it. It’s like “Oops I broke your favorite coffee mug. Guess I need to watch what I’m doing.” is the same to her as “I tripped and my vagina fell on someone’s’ face. Like, twenty or thirty times over the course of twenty minutes. Aw shucks.” If it were me, gender has nothing to do with whether its cheating and I would be done with her.
It’s also ok, when your body has been used to associating certain stimuli with sexual arousal, for you to have a physical reaction at odds with your emotional reaction. It’s not more important than or an invalidation of your mental and emotional reaction. It’s biology. I know it’s a very different scenario, but there are women who, due to sheer physical stimuli, will achieve an orgasm physically during SA, and it’s something that causes them shame and to question whether they are to blame, and it’s something counselors and therapists have to work with them on understanding and accepting that it doesn’t invalidate the reality of what happened.
Don’t get hung up on your Pavlovian response to years of lesbian porn. Your feelings about this being cheating are valid.
Bro dont be a doormat for love she betrayed you, your marriage and the family yous have made together and the trust will never return because how can you be certain she wont repeat those actions because “its no big deal cause it was with another women”
Marriage is hard. My dad fucked my brothers girlfriend who was 18 he has been with my amazing step mom for like 17yrs, married for 4. I think? They’re still together.
Honestly I had a bi GF and did not care if she hooked up with other ‘feminine’ women but I said no to the more ‘masculine’ women. This was based strictly off appearance but I never had an issue with it.
Ok hear me out, you gotta do a post nut clarity. It happened to me, she cheated. I rubbed one out and it defiantly lost the feeling. It’s sounds stupid, but by no means am I trying to poke fun of the situation. It worked and helped give me the clarity I needed to leave her
That ‘little more than a kiss’ was a fully thought out decision made by her. She wanted it to happen. That would instantly shatter my trust. Normally I’d begin to question all 17 years, but she told you pretty much instantly.
She sinned? That’s what she said? There is more to this. No one is this blasé about cheating unless it’s normalized.
You are also way way too nice. Your wife tells you she cheats on you after 17 years of marriage and you forgive her like she spilled some coffee? Besides did your really or are you in shock? How? Why? There have been absolutely no consequences at all for her. Again it’s like she put a dent in the car or something. Only because of the gender of her affair partner?
Honestly, I personally don’t believe when people act surprised that same gender affairs are thought of as cheating. They know it’s cheating, this is just another form of bullying and gaslighting.
There has to be more to this story because you both are so unemotional it almost seems stunted.
Do you have an open marriage or something? Did you give her permission at one point if it was a women? Is cheating normalized in your history?
First thing you should do is talk to a lawyer and let her know because she needs to have fear that it is a big deal. With your reaction she will probably do it again.
She should be quitting her job at the very least. Besides that people don’t just have sex at a job there was probably a lot of improper emotional stuff that lead up to this.
Confused boner.
Youve said it yourself, she’s done this before but now this time she got eaten out by another girl and she probably did the same. Next time she’ll probably sleep with another guy and so on and so on. She’s no good dude
. I dated a girl like this, bi and all, as a young adult and she kept cheating and cheating on me until I cheated on her multiple times out of spite. Its not worth it.
Something bothers me about the way this is written.
Well, do you think she’d be thinking it’s “NBD” to get drunk and have your knob sucked off you by some lad? At least it wasn’t a woman, like.
She cheated, regardless of the sex of the affair partner. That’s why you feel emasculated. My advice is the advice I’d give any of my friends, you deserve better than some fuckhead who cheats on you.
Get back at her by sucking a dick
She CHEATED on you. Plain & simple when you make out with someone that isn’t your partner it’s cheating. Same sex action is still getting her off so that is a sexual act.
Cheating is cheating, and you have right to feel betrayed and upset. Maybe try journaling about it to have this conversation with yourself? Go excercise. Do whatever helps you to connect with yourself and process the situation.
It is your call about what will you do. If you want to save relationship, then you both need to work hard. If you can’t get over that, you have right to walk away and it is not you destroying your relationship, she did that.
You are turned on by the lesbian side, meaning you discovered your wife is more kinky than you think and yeah it’s a turn on. Wouldn’t be the case with a dude, yet confusing
However she did cheat and that’s a big deal she needs to recognize. Explain to her that as hot as it is to imagine her with another woman you are still very hurt by the fact she went ahead while she could have discussed her curiosity with you and you could have a respectful discussion on the topic. Here she stepped out on her own and without your knowledge, and that’s cheating.
Well she cheated on you, so accept that first. Then ask what would you recommend to your best friend if they were experiencing the same situation.
Whatever that advice would be is what you gotta do.
Enjoy the ride while it lasts, these things have habbit of not ending well ….
Imagine if it had been a man that went down in her. Would you still feel this way? It doesn’t matter who did the deed, your wife cheated. Plain and simple.