[26F] [30M] don’t know what to do anymore
My ex and I have been on and off for 3 years. We have dated officially for about 6 months, and the rest of the time we’ve been in a “situationship”. I dumped him in September for hanging out with his ex, he was spending overnight trips with her and his other friends, which wouldn’t have been an issue had I been invited along too, but we were long distance the entire time and he lives 10 hours away. So getting together was a bit difficult.
He would also go on vacation with her and his friends but not see me. We went 9 months without seeing each other, and while we were dating he kept canceling trips to come see me. He would also only call me once a month at best, so our relationship was essentially text based. I complained about this all many times but was told I was overreacting, or he’d promise to do better but then would only change for a week before things went back to the same level of emotional neglect.
As I said, I reached my breaking point and dumped him. 3 weeks later I missed him unbearably so I texted him and told him. We agreed to start talking again, and I asked him to get back with me. He told me he would need to see me again before making that decision.
Well, 3 months have passed since we started talking again, and I saw him twice while he was home for Christmas break. The first time I had an anxiety attack at dinner and could barely eat or talk. I told him this about 4 times and he made little effort to help me or even have a conversation with me. We ended up eating dinner in silence. He took me home and told me he wouldn’t be coming back inside, that I was too stressed and nothing productive would happen.
He got home and stopped responding, so i asked him if he was at another girls house. He kept leaving me on read so I sent him about 3 more messages before he finally responded. He told me he was at home and sent me a picture of his dog on his bed. At this point the damage was done and he told me he was finished. He blocked me, and I mourned the relationship for a week.
I noticed he had unblocked me a week later on snapchat so I added him. He added me back, then told me he missed me, that he wanted to see me again, and that he regretted making a decision so quickly. He wanted to give it another chance. So I agreed, and he came over yesterday.
He got here and we watched TV for a while, but he was obviously there to have sex as well so we hooked up a few times. At one point he joked and called me a derogatory term for women, or one of his ****, I can’t remember which. I told him that made me sad and he said it was just a joke. Then called me a *** again later in the evening.
Everything went fine other than that. Or so I thought. Before bed, I asked him if he had made up his mind and he said, “I don’t know. Let’s talk about it in the morning.”
So when he woke up I asked him again. He said he still needs time to think about it. I told him I was worried he was stringing me along, and that I’d give him until Thursday to make a decision. He agreed and he left.
I don’t know what to do anymore. The problems in our relationship haven’t been resolved, I think he’s actually hooking up with someone tonight too, and I want to ask him if he is but I also don’t want to repeat my mistakes.
Can anyone give me any advice on how to handle this situation?
TL:DR; Ex and I have been on and off for 3 years. I dumped him in September for hanging out with his ex and not being open about it, as well as because he was emotionally neglecting the relationship. I reached out to him 3 weeks later and asked him to come back because I missed him so much. We have now been talking for 3 months, because he lives 10 hours away, and because he said he needed to see me before making a decision. Well, he saw me twice, and still says he doesn’t know. I gave him until Thursday to make a decision, but all of my friends are saying he just used me. I don’t know what to do or how to handle the situation. How can I work it out with him?
4 comments
He’s made it pretty explicit that the last time you saw him, he was using you. He’s not loyal. You can do better. The love of your life is NOT the guy that calls you names, if he calls at all. You really can do better.
if you read between the lines, of his past actions up to the present and being logical about it.
he is honest in his actions, that he is not in a serious or real relationship with you.
You two sounds toxic and exhausting.
Breaking up and going no contact is the only option here.
He doesn’t want what you want. He is not making any effort. Please please be strong and let your heart heal from this and then open your eyes to better opportunities, more local to you. As you say, the whole thing has been a ‘situationship’. He finds you fun when convenient but he is not interested in being emotionally intimate or in committing to you or in making any extra effort. Keep reminding yourself of that. He is NOT an option for love and security and a serious relationship. He has shown NO sign of wanting that.’ I don’t know’ and ‘I need to decide’ are not what someone says when they are actually interested in you.
Yes, you will miss him, or the idea of him. But that doesn’t mean you should call him. So make plans with friends and family, try something new, fill your schedule and do NOT cave and reach out to him. He will only disappoint you again. Stop giving him chances to let you down. You deserve someone who is excited about you!!