Why have I only been in love once?

I(32/f) fell in love with a girl in high school. And that’s functionally been it.

I’ve had a couple of fleeting crushes on some other girls. Literally, single digits. *Maybe* two guys, if I’m being really generous. I’m not sure if those feelings were romantic or platonic.

With one exception, I never kissed them or dated any of these people. The one I did date, I’m not quite sure was a crush. I was like …. horny about her personality, but I wasn’t swooning or obsessing or anything.

I’ve been in relationships with really cool, sweet, sexy people — men and women. Negligible romantic connection beyond what you’d feel for a friend. With women, I seem to get further, but it’s still not much. Whenever I break up, I’m barely sad for a day. It’s like it’s nothing.

I fully get romance in books. I like fictional romances.

I’m also not expecting honeymoon fireworks forever. I’d just like …. anything. And looking around, I know I’m experiencing something less than my peers are.

This is so weird! What is this? Has anyone experienced this? Do you have any advice?

Let me test/debunk some likely theories. Do any of these sound like the cause?

* **Am I demi-romantic?** I don’t think so? My crushes are usually on people I don’t really know. That’s what that is, right?
* **Am I’m generally emotionally distant?** No. My friendships are all affectionate and normal.
* **Standards too high?** I don’t think so. I meet a plenty of attractive people who fit my criteria. ..but maybe I’m most attracted to people I don’t think I should be dating. huh….
* **Childhood stuff?** idk? I had trouble making friends as a kid, and my parents fought a lot when I was young. But they worked it out and were really happy together by my early teens.
* **Gay angst?** Maybe. Coming out was really rough, and I still have psychological scars from it. If that’s what it is, what do I do?
* **Drugs?** Maybe? I don’t do anything recreationally. But since coming out in college, I’ve usually been on some anti-depressant. Whenever I try to get off, I fall apart again and go back on. Anti-depressants can mess up your sex drive. Can they mess up your romantic drive? Is this anything?
* **No eligible bachelorettes?** Maybe this is it. I’m not meeting a ton of single, queer women. Maybe my brain just won’t let me get attached to someone unviable. Has anyone experienced this?
* **Life stuff?** Maybe. I did spend a lot of my 20s in survival mode. Things are better now, but maybe I’m still too on my guard.

UGH. idk. Do any of these causes seem likely? Any other ideas? What should I do?