English is not my first language and i was very bad at it, at school so please bear with me.
So if i start from the beginning after my break in 2019 my life was a circus even I don’t want to remember….. 2020 was in lockdown so nothing to do then…. In that time i stopped total contact with some of my friends whom i was very close with in school and made some new friends at the beginning of college because our interest was common…
Finished college in total lockdown and in 2021 lockdown in my country lifted and we were free…. I started hanging out with the friends i made at college…. But in 22nd January 2021 they ganged up on me and beat me to a pulp because i couldn’t return some borrowed money in time and because i defended my father because they were bad mouthing him…. Something happened to me after that…. I didn’t trust anyone even my own dad… Idk why but i never told my father who banged up my face that bad as he was crying…. Anyways after that i went to total isolation…. No contact with anyone…. Minus the 7 days in 2021’s January from March 2020 to December 2021 i was at my home… I would only go out if it was urgent or necessary…. In January 2022 i finally decided life must go on and i got admitted into a university.
From day 1 i started talking to everyone from seniors to my peers… I would talk laugh joke with everyone because i though if i shut myself from meeting new people, I’ll never get over my insecurities…. So made friends in university but was particularly close with a guy named Shafin….. Everything was good and all but until one of Shafin’s friend called Nibir got introduced to our group…. Before the arrival of Nibir, me and Shafin were the center of attention of our group….. But after his (Nibir) arrival somehow i was at the sideline…. When i realized i was being sidelined i tried not to be in that position…. So in the process i would make them laugh or have mild jokes…. I saw that they get irritated with my jokes but find it amusing when Nibir and Shafin tells them…. Since the last 4 month no body is taking my words seriously…. I would get laughed at evey word i say…. Whenever i joke i get stared at awkwardly….. I made some good bonds with some seniors but they completed their graduation and are unable to hangout with a junior like me….. I hinted some of this to Shafin since he knows everything from my past but he just brushed it off as it’s nothing all in your head or just hold your tongue when you talk…. But that’s the thing…. No matter how carefully i say somethings majority of the group gets offended except for Shafin and Drishaw…. But at this point i think they’re doing it out of pity….. The only time i feel okay around them is when I’m silent and observe others or I’m on my phone….
I don’t want to admit it but…. I am jealous of my friend (Nibir). How i came to this conclusion? Because i saw him say things that people find amusing but when i say them in the exact same tone people get offended…… Especially he is good with girls…. I don’t why but even if he makes a sexual joke to the girls they find it amusing….
Although i said before this is my jealousy but is it also resentment i feel toward him? That I don’t like him? Although I’m not meeting them right now because a vacation is on going but in January 8th classes will continue all the same…. What do i do then? He has good qualities that i like but these things…. The groups attitude towards me is making me morph into the 2020-2021 self…. I don’t want to be miserable like that ever again….
What should i do? Should i become introverted again?