5 years of trying to no avail

There’s a lot to this but I will keep this as short as possible because I am so mentally and emotionally drained. Sorry for any typos, and if something is not clear please ask.

Me-32f
Husband-31m
Kid-9m
Relationship-Married 5 years

TL/DR: Stuck in a cycle, lots of hurt, separating, devastated. Advice appreciated.

I’m devastated. I’m hurt, angry, and terrified for the future. Husband of 5 years wants to separate because I’ve been begging for the same thing for at least 3-4 of those years. That thing is effort. I just wanted him to make an effort to be a part of our little family of 3. To actually spend time with us without me having to ask every time. To actually do something with his stepson sometimes. To actually communicate with me about stuff. To make even the smallest attempt at romance. To show any amount of affection without me breaking down into tears about it because I feel like he doesn’t want to touch me or even be near me.

He only wants to do what he wants to do. Work and his alone time. I have no issue with either of those things. I respect that those are the things he values. His work will always come before us, but I was hoping we could at least be a close second, ya know?

So I do all I can to make his life easier and try to make him happy. I never ask to do anything/go anywhere that means he’d miss a day of work. I leave him alone in his office so he can have his alone time, either working more or playing his video games. I do all the child-related things, all the grocery shopping, up until a couple months ago I did all the cooking (I asked him to take one night a week so I could have one day I didn’t have to plan/worry about dinner.) I cooked his favorite meals when work was tough. Laundry, cleaning, 80% of the care and training for our pets (9 y.o. son does about 10, leaving husband with the other 10), small fixes around the house, etc. is all on me.

I gave that man 100% for 5 years. Even they days my anxiety or depression were so bad I didn’t want to get out of bed, I’d still try to find at least one thing I could do for him. Sometimes it was as simple as laundry or cooking, other times I’d go to the store and get him a little surprise he would like, etc.

When his cat finally died for good I let him use mine, even though many days he would leave before I got my kid on the bus, meaning I didn’t have the option of going with him to have my car during the day. This also meant I could not continue earning as much (I was doing delivery gigs for DoorDash/GrubHub/UberEats during the hours my son was in school, as well as some weekends and just bring my son along). I was also trying to build a new Etsy shop so I couldn’t go out and get supplies as needed. It also cut into the money I did have because if we ran out of groceries during the week I had to order them, paying those ridiculous fees on top of the rising cost of groceries. I can’t see well at night and with him not getting home until around 8pm or later it made it difficult.

I like being a wife and mother, so this wouldn’t be much of an issue for me if I was getting anything back. Any of the basic relationship stuff I had been begging for. We’d argue about it, he’d do what I was asking for a few days, then it’s like he would reset and the cycle would start over.

All this was made even more difficult when 2 years ago there was a new coworker who caught his attention. They were texting all the time (keep in mind he barely would talk to me unless I grilled him with questions which I hated doing), so one night I told him it bothered me. He tells me they are close. I was confused by this because she was a new coworker, so it’s not like they had known each other for years to be “close.” So I asked him if he was cheating. He said he hadn’t, but he had thought about it. Apparently they are swingers or have an open relationship, and her husband said it was fine if he ever wanted to. So he seriously considered it. I had to choose to believe that he was telling me the truth that nothing physical had happened, but even the “emotional cheating” was hard to get past. He said he didn’t feel he had done any wrong, and couldn’t really understand why I felt hurt.

He’s my husband and I am not the type to just give up on someone I love. So I start therapy. It was very helpful, and after some time I’m feeling like we can work through this. I suggest marriage counseling but it never happens. So now I’m more insistent that I need the normal basics in this marriage, so back to the same cycle we go. Marriage counseling was brought up to him several more times, but no such luck.

So now, 2 years after that, he says we need to separate because he can’t give me what I need. He’s not willing to put in the effort. I get it, but I’m hurt and angry. I know he’s capable because he once did. If he had only tried counseling with me, even if we ended up in the same place, it would’ve shown me he was trying and that our marriage and family were worth the effort to him. So many small things he could have done just to show he was really trying and that would’ve been enough for me.

So right now, not only am I hurt and beyond devastatingly sad, I’m also terrified. My son is about to lose the man he calls dad. This will be the second loss of a father figure for him, as his biological father passed away when he was 4. Im losing my husband and our little family. That’s what I’ve devoted all my love, effort and the last 5 years to, just ripped away. I’m scared about money. I gave up most of my earnings for months to let him work. The last of my savings went into Christmas so my son could have presents from Santa and even with having to spend less than previous years I wanted it to be special because he’s at the age where next year he may not believe in Santa.

I now the likely outcome of this separation will be an actual divorce and that’s making me feel all the feelings right now, and overwhelming feelings of loss and being lost. I feel so stupid for trying so hard for so long to have it amount to nothing and now I’m about to be a single mom again, broke and trying not to let depression or anxiety drag me down. I just wanna be the best mom I can be through all of these major changes, and actually do what’s right for myself as well.

So I guess I’m just wondering if anyone can help. Any advice, whether it be legal advice or how to cope?I feel like I’m drowning so I would be so very grateful for any form of help, even if it’s just a few kind words. Thank you for reading.