Will provide as much background as possible without rambling on too much, gonna be a long post though lol.
I’m aware I don’t come out of this looking good.
I (28M) have been in a relationship with my gf (29F) for just over 5 years. It’s been largely really great and I do love her. However, tbh she’s been ‘all in’ on our future together in a way I’m not sure I am (not sure = actually not sure if that makes sense, I’m not against it).
For the last ~3 months, I’ve been talking to someone (25F) online. It started out cus I sent a meme her post reminded me of, that initial conversation went on for like a week and we’ve spoken every day since (even if it’s just a quick hello).
There’s basically no way we’d ever meet, she’s in the US & I’m in the UK.
The conversations, however, have definitely escalated. They were always very friendly, but now they’re somewhat intimate. We’ve also sent pictures & videos (nothing NSFW, I showed her my tattoos & she shows me her outfits, we’ve sent each other videos of stuff we’ve gone to etc. Nothing you wouldn’t see on social media).
We’ve spoken about a lot now, like real stuff – I’ve told her things about myself I haven’t even told my gf. She’s told me similarly personal stuff.
Writing that out, it feels worse than it felt at the time. It honestly felt like I’d made a new friend who has a similar sense of humour and taste in music etc. Now I’m questioning exactly what she is to me.
What prompted the post is that we recently sent each other voice notes to hear each other’s accents. Her response to mine was outright sexual (ostensibly a joke but idk, wouldn’t be something I’d be comfortable with irl). Honestly, I’ve found myself wanting to listen to hers a lot as well. It makes me smile.
I’m just confused. I know the smart thing to do would be make my apologies and stop talking to her, but I don’t want to do that. She’s become important to me.
Obviously my gf doesn’t know about this, and I feel shitty because 100% if the roles were reversed I wouldn’t like it at all. The other side of it though – if anything my relationship and overall happiness have improved since talking to this other person.
Not even sure what my question is. I know it’s emotional cheating at this stage which is horrible, but it’s also having a positive impact on my life. Does that mean there’s something missing in my relationship? Do I need to change something else in my life? Is it just excitement from a new person? I’m just confused.
TLDR:
Been talking to someone online which has escalated into emotional cheating territory. Now I don’t know if there are things missing from my current relationship, or if I’m just experiencing a temporary high from chemistry with a new person. Physical cheating is impossible so isn’t a concern.
23 comments
Yes, you are cheating. Tell your girlfriend about this and try to work it out or outright just stop it. Easy as that.
It doesn’t really matter if it’s physical or emotional. Both are cheating. You’ve said yourself your girlfriend knows nothing about his OW. That’s not right. If you’re having doubts about the relationship then end it, it’s not fair dragging it out if you don’t want to be with her. With regards to the OW, if she knows you’re in a relationship with someone and is still continuing to behave like this then I can’t say much for her either. Going behind peoples backs to do things like this never has a good outcome. Be a nice person and do things right.
You’re not sure about the future of your relationship after 5 years. Either dump your girlfriend or tell her you’re not sure and ask for couples counseling. If you stay with your girlfriend you do have to dump this friend.
Why are you with your girlfriend if you’d rather be with somebody else? That is cruel.
Here’s the thing. You’re not just hurting your gf. You’re hurting both of these girls by doing this, even if they don’t know it yet. So it’s hard to believe you actually care about either of them as people. It sounds like you only care about yourself and how good it makes you feel.
If it feels like cheating there ia a reason… if youre hiding it theres a reason.
What you are doing to your gf is cruel. You claim to love her and yet here you are betraying her trust and even worse, trying to justify it. You should feel shitty, you’re being a shitty person right now. Your gf deserves better.
You are cheating and you’re feeling happy because of the other girl, your gf is more of a companion than a partner now.
Walk away walk away walk away. Stop talking to her. I DGAF about the label; this relationship is taking away your focus and energy for your primary relationship and that’s toxic.
Fix your life.
No. Just no. You know what you’re doing is wrong and just the fact that you haven’t put a stop to it, is just messed up.
It doesn’t mean there’s necessarily something missing in your relationship (you are trying to justify your cheating), it means you are a cheater. Either stop this nonsense with NC or let your GF go. You say you tell this person things you haven’t told your GF of 5 years?!? Yeah, not cool.
I’m assuming your gf is looking to work with you towards marriage and kids. You don’t know if you want that and are emotionally cheating.
Stop taking these important years of her life and leave her so she can find a man who truly loves her and wants to give her the future she desires.
>I’m just confused. I know the smart thing to do would be make my apologies and stop talking to her, but I don’t want to do that. She’s become important to me.
Well there you go, you’ve wandered into emotional cheating territory and you don’t want to stop it.
>The other side of it though – if anything my relationship and overall happiness have improved since talking to this other person.
Yeah, no. That’s a shitty way to justify the fact you are cheating.
>Does that mean there’s something missing in my relationship? Do I need to change something else in my life? Is it just excitement from a new person?
Only you know that, but one thing is certain – you need to tell all of this to your current GF, and if you intend to proceed with the new one, you need to break things off with your current GF. You two have been together for 5 years, and your behavior is pretty low and undeserving of someone that has been with you for this much time.
Your poor girlfriend. You should tell her and let her decide what she wants to do with this information.
You’re having an emotional affair because you’re selfish, like attention and don’t respect your girlfriend or her autonomy enough. That’s that.
Emotional cheating is cheating. You are having an affair. Telling peeosnal things to someone else you haven’t/wouldn’t tell your partner is a huge betrayal.
Leave your gf. Come clean if you want, but you have to break up, because you are not and won’t be invested in this relationship. You are wayyy too far in, she was straight out sexual with you and you still had space in your brain to think oh, I want to hear her voice more. There is no coming back from that you are hook line and sinkered.
Pursue the other person if you want, or stew in the fact that you so easily and readily cheated on someone you said you loved. I would be a hell of a lot more horrified with myself if I was you.
You should leave your girlfriend. I’m sorry to say you shouldn’t keep this from her, you have already emotionally cheated on her and she definitely didn’t deserve this! You’ve been with her for 5 years and it seems like you are literally just stringing her along and she wants and values commitment which you obviously don’t have! She deserves someone who will treat her right! I feel very bad for your girlfriend. Seriously,, dude, you messed up
I feel like you could be my boyfriend, and honestly at this point I just want the lies to stop and to know the truth.
Do the decent thing. Cut this girl off and tell your girlfriend the truth. Women aren’t stupid, if things have changed as dramatically as you claim, she already knows something is up.
So here’s the deal- I’m in an extremely similar situation however I am the long term partner of someone in your situation. My partner met someone online ( also a uk/us distance issue) about two years ago and things escalated unexpectedly.
With that perspective I would say a lot of people here are being too black and white. Today, after a LOT of work and most of the power being placed into my hands in the early days we are now in a place where we have a very healthy ‘polycule’ type situation. My partner and I remain primary partners and are moving forward with our lives together (trying to buy a house etc) and my partner has this relationship with ‘another man’ on the side. I have spoken to him, we have all three had boundaries conversations together and now I have a private direct chat with him for airing any concerns I have privately and he has been extremely respectful of me and the priority placed on the relationship between my partner and I. He also has a primary partner.
Of course this is a very complicated thing and there’s a lot of nuance lost here for brevity. What I’m saying is, it can work. If everyone is willing to be on board and work hard it can be done and everyone can be happier for it. I am personally enjoying the new dynamic in my relationship now even though it was hard and shocking at first. If you can pass through jealousy and find compersion it can be a really beautiful thing.
It has to work for everyone involved or it doesn’t work. And everyone has to do their share of work to make it work.
You’ll know better than anyone here if that’s possible in your situation or not.
Regardless you’ve no doubt hurt your partner and you’ll need to own that and give her the love, support and patience as she deals with that grief and hurt if you all decide to stay together. Your position is one that bears a majority of the responsibility and burden in this type of relationship. If it has any chance of working you have to step up in a major way.
I wish you all luck and I am happy to privately discuss with you or your partner anytime.
LOL bro cmon y r u even posting this your brain is telling you what to do
you crossed the line right here:
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“We’ve spoken about a lot now, like real stuff – I’ve told her things about myself I haven’t even told my gf. She’s told me similarly personal stuff.”
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When you tell someone else things you dont tell your partner, thats the line.
Either break up with your girlfriend, or dial this way back and come clean
I just hope your gf finds out and dumps your ass. Simple. You are a cheater. She would be better off without you.
This is blatant emotional cheating. I feel bad for your girlfriend, because it seems like you aren’t invested in your relationship with her. It doesn’t matter if this person is boosting your mood and making you a better boyfriend, you’ve already been unfaithful to your partner.
The right thing to do would be to tell your girlfriend about what’s going on and to let her decide if she would like to stay in the relationship or not. But what you’re doing right now is not fair.
“Obviously my gf doesn’t know about this, and I feel shitty because 100% if the roles were reversed I wouldn’t like it at all.”
Answered your own question.
You have two choices here to be a decent person:
1.) Cut this other girl off immediately and try to work it out if she lets you.
2.) Break up with your girl.