Sorry if my English isn’t perfect, I’m not an English speaker 🙃
To give a bit of context, I (F/28)’m in a long distance relationship with my BF(M/32) for a couple of months and we know each other for more than 3 years.
I suffer from fear of being abandoned and that’s why I have unsecured attachment. I always feel like my BF is going to stop loving me so sometimes I feel under pressure with him to do the things perfectly so he’ll stay with me. I struggle to show my feelings with people in general and I need a lot of time to feel comfortable enough with someone to do so.
I’m seeing a therapist for almost a year now and I’m going to try hypnosis soon to help me to learn how to give in and not being all the time in controlling things. I also do conscious meditation.
He’s totally aware of the situation and tries to help me, encourages me to show him how I feel, I can tell him anything without feeling I’m judged and we have already spent hours talking about my anxiety problems. But now I think he’s struggling to help and has doubts about our future together.
I spent a couple of days at his home for the end of the year holidays, he really tried to organise these days to make me discover his city, his friends and I really had good time but for some reasons I was kind of disconnected, not showing I was happy and I think it hurt him a lot.
One day before I leave, he started crying telling me it was very difficult for him, that he can see I’m all the time under pressure with him and so he’s not himself because he doesn’t want to add pressure. He thinks I don’t care about what he likes and that I’m pissed when he gets excited for silly things, which is not true, I just have a big shell around me that put distance with people to protect myself.
He told me he has serious doubts that we have a future together and that he was hesitating to come to my place in February as it was planned. In the end, he said he would come to see how he feels with me at this moment before breaking up.
Do you have any advices that could help us ?
I feel very low, I really love that guy and I’m afraid my anxiety is going to ruin everything between us.
1 comment
If you’re not making progress with your current therapist you may need to find a new one. Most mental health professionals would probably say that someone with your abandonment issues and insecurity disorders isn’t great candidate for an LDR. Long distance relationships just generally require a nearly superhuman level of security and trust. But what you feel and what you tell him are supposed to be two different things anyway. If you have these anxieties but also have the self discipline to keep them to yourself you’ll probably be okay. On the other hand if you’re someone who speaks every thought that pops into your head, that’ll likely be a big problem.