How to address persistent low self worth from social isolation, developmental disorder, constant rejection?

I’m sure I’m the billionth person to create a thread along this line. I am posting it here specifically because the problem relates to romantic and sexual relationships in particular. Although, it does also spill over into even platonic relationships.

I’m feeling resigned to being entirely unlikable. Or unlovable. I’m 31 years old. I’ve been in a total of a single relationship, which was hardly even a relationship. The woman I dated would basically cycle between ignoring me interspersed with periods where she seemed to want to talk to me or be around me. I remember her at one point giving me a ride when I was out of town and she drove up with her ex boyfriend, who she said was her friend. Maybe like a month later she was pregnant with his kid and that was pretty much the end of that. That’s literally the most intimate relationship I’ve ever managed to be in.

I’ve tried doing every dating app. Experimenting with different profiles and pictures, even having other people try to set up the profile since I figured I just didn’t know how to do it. Any matches I’ve gotten end up drying up within a few back and forth messages.

Same thing in person. For a while I’ve tried to tell myself I just needed to put myself out there. I’ve seen people I’ve thought were obnoxious, weird, shy, etc. Get into relationships. I’ve seen everyone else fall into dating. Logically I should not be any different. Eventually someone should…like…actually like me right? Even Hitler got married.

But it doesn’t seem to happen with me. It isn’t even just dating. Trying to even form platonic relationships with both women and men seem to not really progress at all. It isn’t even like I’m getting “friend zoned” or whatever, cuz that would imply that people would care to have me as a friend. Therapists have told me that they think I need to find my tribe or some other bullshit. But even in “tribes” that align with my interests, I still end up out of place. Maybe I’ll talk to a few people and maintain some sort of friendship for a few weeks, then they stop reaching out or responding when I reach out.

It’s frustrating because no one explicitly says anything is wrong with me. They don’t say I’m rude or awkward or clingy. A lot of people, if asked, seem to say I’m a very thoughtful and kind person who cares about other people. Some people say I’m witty and funny. But that doesn’t seem like enough to keep anyone’s interest. The people who have all these nice things to say about me don’t actually seem to want to have much to do with me, even when I try. Even when I don’t try.

This isnt a matter of me simply being boring or clingy or uninteresting. Beyond the social difficulties, I have interests and hobbies and am overall really fulfilled in how I spend most of my time. I love making stuff, so I spend as much time as possible doing it. I love playing music, so I do it. I love my work. I feel like I do something useful for the world. In the past, I’ve volunteered and intend to do it again, because I feel driven to want to help people who have faced similar issues relating to poverty and homelessness that I used to face. I’m not trying to brag. I’m trying to say I have a life. One that provides at least some self actualization and meaning.

I’ve thought maybe I’m trying to validate myself through other people. Or I can’t love people until I love myself. But both of those ideas are ridiculous. Human beings *need* social validation and belongjng. We thrive in relationships. But ultimately the fact that I feel so ostracized, unloved, and rejected ends up invalidating me. What is wrong with me? What am I missing that other people have? How am I repulsive to people?

I’m trying to avoid self pity, and to try and speak as objectively as possible, but my life’s experience is actually pretty pitiful. I can count the number of “first dates” I’ve had with people on one hand. And only one time have I ever gotten past a first date. It’s not for lack of trying.

I do have social anxiety and depression, and probably autism(various mental health professionals have independently brought it up). But even with social anxiety, it isn’t like I completely avoid people. I can work up courage to talk to people or ask them out. But getting rejected so much means I have effectively a lot of experience having my anxiety, insecurity, and depression validated and reinforced. Even looking at this rationally, it makes sense why I would feel insecure: I’m unable to form secure attachments to people.

Idk this is sort of word vomit at this point. I don’t even know what I’m trying to ask except…why? Why is it like this? I can’t be so special that I’m the only person who’s undeserving of connection with other people. But that’s what my experience tells me?

I’m sorry if this doesn’t go here. I looked at the rules and it seems in line.