TLDR: my three month relationship just ended because of my inability to deal with inconsistency issues in our relationship / their inability to improve these issues. looking for advice and insight from those who have experienced something similar.
at the beginning of our relationship this person made their interest in me incredibly clear – texting throughout the day, wanting to get to know me, excited to take me out, talk of future dates, etc. our first two dates were great – and at the time of our second date, he suggested that we set aside one night a week for date night in our schedules – this communicated to me that he was serious about moving things forward. around this same time, (about 6 weeks into the relationship), i had only seen him three times in person at this point, and i had felt that his texting behavior had become a bit hot and cold, and felt him pulling away. this coupled with the fact that id only seen him three times in six weeks, i started to feel like i was on unsure footing here – that his actions weren’t matching his words. I brought this up as part of a longer conversation of where we saw things headed, and what we wanted from our relationship. throughout this conversation we both communicated to each other that we really liked each other, wanted to date each other exclusively, and wanted to try moving forward with the intent of an LTR. he communicated to me at this time that his inconsistency issues had caused all of his past relationships to end, but that he wanted to try to work on it. he was not able to articulate exactly how this time would be any different, but that he really wanted to try. i agreed to stick around as long as i saw improvement and that they were trying – i was fully willing to be flexible on timelines as long as i saw effort and an increase in consistency. i wish at the time i had asked what it was about consistency that is so difficult, or what it is that scares him about it (intimacy? rejection? i can now only guess).
the week after this conversation, his texting behavior went back to “normal” – lots of messages throughout the day and i felt he was making an effort to maintain the connection. during the first week after our conversation, he had a stressful work week so we pushed our date off to the next week. the week after that he got sick, and it got pushed again. we finally meet again, and things were great – they are always great in person and i feel very cared about. i start to feel momentum and connection coming back for us, and i assumed this was the start of our weekly dates – when he left he kissed me goodbye and said i’ll text you later to pick a day for next week. although we talked throughout the following week, it took him 8 days to reach out to see when i was free the following week. i thought about reaching out earlier myself, but in our last conversation it felt like the ball was very much in his hands to reach out more often and show more effort, so i waited. when he reached out, i told him three days i was available, and got the response “im thinking probably x day or x day”. the next day he narrows it down slightly and mentions “right now im thinking x day is best”. the next morning, i said that i needed him to let me know by the end of the day so that i can plan other things – he says he will be out with his friends for NYE but that he absolutely will. he does not. i text him a photo of my outfit for NYE that night, and he doesn’t respond. next day, he says nothing about my photo, and just asks how my NYE was. i let him know that im hurt he never confirmed our date when he said he would, and that he left me on read all night and that it made me feel like i wasnt on his mind. this text was the beginning of the end.
the next two days we go back and forth about how he really cares about me and wants to be with me, and that hes sorry for dropping the ball and being inconsistent. he says that just because he didnt respond to my text or confirm our date night that it doesnt mean he wasnt thinking about me and that it doesnt mean he doesnt want to be with me. he says maybe we should reconsider our relationship if he isnt meeting my expectations. i get immediately frustrated that my communicating my hurt feelings results in him immediately suggesting a breakup as opposed to him trying to repair, but i guess i can’t fault him for being self-aware that it’s just not working. we go back and forth a bit and ultimately i communicated that i can see he is trying sometimes but ultimately if i can’t actually FEEL his feelings for me by him showing me them through actions, that its all in his head. that his words and actions must align for me to feel truly cared for. and that we clearly want and need different things from this relationship. we end up on a soft and caring note, wishing each other well, telling each other that we will miss our time together, and that we dont regret the time we spent together.
now this is where i’m looking for advice, insight, or stories from others that are similar. for those who have been inconsistent but really did care about your partner and your relationship – what was it about consistency that was difficult for you? was it a fear of intimacy, something else? i know everyone is different but i am really struggling to understand how someone could provide me commitment and intent, but then fail on consistency. i feel like consistency and commitment are often paired, so to get one without the other was hard for me to grapple with. for those who have experienced my side of this in relationship, did it ever get better or do you wish you had gotten out sooner like i did?
i am absolutely heartbroken about this because there was so much potential. there was SO much in our relationship that was so good (didn’t really go into detail about it here, but we have tons of overlapping life experience, similar sense of humor, very caring and kind, great sexual compatibility, and a huge spark). but this issue of not seeing each other frequently enough to build momentum was a huge problem for me. i keep going back and forth in my head if there is anything i could have done, but realistically i just wasnt willing to make my needs smaller and become someone i’m not to force this thing to work. but the what if’s are killing me. i saw such a great future for us – he was so kind and loving when we were together, and i already miss him so much. i hate that i will theoretically never get to talk to him again, never get a good morning text, never wake up next to him, never get another forehead kiss. ive already started fantasizing about six months down the road maybe he will be different and it will work. i know this is foolish. but im in so much pain. i cant help but second guess everything.
thanks everyone for listening. <3
11 comments
I think he didn’t showed a long term commitment to this relationship. You coaching him on your needs not being met and his lack of commitment didn’t really help matters.
He was showing a low effort, just getting by, on this relationship. If you were very special to him, he would be putting in more effort. He would be planning future dates, cooking for you, long walks, shopping together, gifts, flowers, greeting love cards, traveling together. Talking about your future and a long term commitment. Talk about moving in together.
I think he only wanted a casual low effort relationship. Maybe he was always looking for something better than you. Maybe you were a temporary placeholder for him. You two wanted something different. You can’t force somebody to love you back.
Better to nip this in the bud before you two go deeper in this relationship. Sharing in relationship goes beyond texting and dating. Planning together, spending quality time together but also having some independent time alone is a balance. Committed couples make this work. Good luck.
It sounds like y’all’s chemistry was stronger than compatibility. You can vibe with someone and have all these amazing feelings and not be compatible . I have experienced that a numerous amount of times. Also , I’d recommend when someone tells you who they are/ how they operate the first time believe them . He told you that his inconsistencies was a deal breaker with other women and you experienced them as well and stayed . It’s challenging to do , but something I’m learning is you have to operate from a logical standpoint. If you’re still trying to figure out what you want in a partner understandable , but if certain characteristics/qualities in a person doesn’t work for you …learn to cut it off early . It’ll help your heart in the long run.
You said a lot of words for a 3 month relationship.
He started off strong, and then he couldn’t sustain that pace.
This has been a pattern for him in previous relationships.
It’s likely that he lost interest in you or the relationship after the first 6 weeks. Or maybe he was interested in the idea of you, but not the reality of a relationship, with you or in general.
This isn’t a slump after a decade long relationship. You two were barely even together.
I’ve dealt with this way too many times unfortunately.
I look at patterns and so when people go hot to cold to hot, it gives me such extreme anxiety that I just think all day about why there is a shift in the energy.
Most of the time it’s nothing, but sometimes it’s something.
It drives me nuts when someone is very much into me and then disappears for days and comes back in like nothing happened.
I find that to be lazy. Genuine interest means wanting to communicate with someone and see them. We lead busy lives but its true that people will make it happen if they truly want to. Even if it’s more than a week away, at keast have something set up.
And the NYE thing, ouch. I felt that pain through the screen.
And when you voiced your concerns, which are valid, his first thing he says is you need to re evaluate the relationship, which to me means he didn’t really really feel what he claims he felt.
Again, screams of laziness. He was willing to stick with you by doing less than the bare minimum and the longer you accepted it, the worse it was going to get.
Sounds like you’re dodging a bullet and tye idea you had in your mind about his potential just isn’t real.
Consistency is somewhat subjective. I’ll be the first to admit that the constant daily texting is something I don’t do. I have other priorities during my day. The idea that I have to constantly make time to text all day to stay connected to someone feels silly. Now, I’m not commenting specifically about your situation, only my thoughts on some of the ideas in the post.
Generally, I find texting to be cold and impersonal. 2 or 3 phone calls or FaceTimes a week is far more preferable, in addition to actual dates.
I’ve been called inconsistent. I’m actually very consistent in my boundaries and my follow through on them. It’s simply a matter of incompatible communication styles.
When you have 2 very different communication styles, you have 2 choices…you either end the relationship or find a compromise.
In regards to how you deal with inconsistent people. First you must determine if it is inconsistency or incompatibility. In your situation, he was definitely being inconsistent. Determining the difference requires both individuals to be completely honest. Most of the time, one person tries to fill a role that makes them uncomfortable and won’t admit to it. This can make someone inconsistent. Ultimately you deal with inconsistency the same way you deal with any incompatibility…you either end it or find a compromise, and then watch for follow through.
In your specific situation, while I find the need to be in almost constant communication to be a dealbreaker for me, you handled it about as well as you could have. You discussed it, set your expectations, and ended it when he didn’t meet those expectations. Whether those expectations are considered reasonable by me or anyone else is irrelevant. They’re your expectations and only you can decide how much you’re willing to compromise on them.
I had a similar issue recently. I think a lot of women myself included look at early dating with Rose coloured glasses. Which is why we so often miss glaring red flags.
Men on the other hand I find look for reasons not to commit and tend to be a lot more skittish than we are. You’ll find these advice pages littered with stories from women where everything seems great and then all of a sudden they ghost or slow fade.
I’m not saying it doesn’t happen to men too. I know it does. Just generally more often to women and I think we stress about it more or discuss it more too.
I used to try and find ways to get things back on track but I’ve learned it’s useless. If they want to walk away let them! I’m looking for something long term and not for someone who can’t communicate clearly how they feel.
>>…ended because of my inability to deal with inconsistency…
It ended because he didn’t bother being consistent. No need to lower the bar of civility or basic kindness for people who don’t show up.
>>…their inability to improve…
I’m guessing that he had the ability. Sending a quick text, following through with a simple promise isn’t that hard.
You have to ask yourself how long you’re willing to put up with unkept promises and poor communication?
When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time.
-Maya Angelou
In attachment theory terms, it sounds like he’s on the avoidant side and you lean a little anxious but with a good bit of stable, too. The thing about avoidant and anxious attachment styles is they trigger each other into digging even deeper into their respective “protest behaviors”. For him, that means pulling away. For you, that means seeking a stronger connection.
I just came out of a relationship with an avoidant style person and yes, it’s painful to lose that potential. But you can’t love potential. You gotta love the person as they present. I recommend reading the book Attached by Amir Levine. It might be helpful for identifying these flags sooner in future relationships. And I know it doesn’t help right now, but I’m sending you virtual hugs and dark chocolate (or the treat of your choice).
Regarding insight. He let you know he had problem with being inconsistent.
He then behaved inconsistently.
I don’t think you need more information about his motivation.
I’ve had friends that were always late. To stay in relationship I had to not plan things that required them to be someplace at a specific time.
It was an accept this limitation or not be friends.
I no longer stay friends with people that are always late because it stresses me out.
Because I know myself I wouldn’t date someone that told me they had difficulty getting places on time.
I’d advise you to look not at his motivation and intent, which was probably please date me even though I’m inconsistent, but to your boundaries and needs.
If you need someone who will reliably communicate their availability and consistently plans and follows through, then it’s up to you to determine if the person you are dating is capable of that behavior before committing.
It’s easy to get swept up in chemistry and potential in the first few weeks of getting to know someone.
Please don’t waste energy trying to figure him out.
It’s not that deep. He’s not able to be reliable and consistent.
All that said, I recommend checking out Natalie Lue of Baggage Reclaim.
Especially her posts on Mr. Unavailable
Here’s a link to an article I think fits your situation.
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-theres-no-point-being-with-somebody-who-blows-hot-cold/
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I know the feeling 😔
I have experienced this SO many times over the years that I used to think it’s just a normal part of “modern dating”. I used to get SO tired of repeatedly experiencing situations like this, that it made me want to give up on dating altogether…and for a time I certainly did.
However, although it hurts – I encourage you to stay strong and not give up. Trust me when I say this… when a man is serious about being with you, and wants to commit to you – you will certainly know. He will show you through his actions and he will prioritize doing so.
I would recommend not focusing on his “potential” but assess the situation based on what he has shown you (or not shown you, rather). Stay strong, hun!
It’s awful if you’re not the inconsistent one. Just torture. I learned the hard way and nope out of those folks fast!