Our last fight was yesterday after going to a birthday party of one of my aunts. So we where at the birthday party and my uncle was cooking fried chicken. Tbh it wasn’t good and my wife is a picky eater so she didn’t eat anything. However, during the party she stands up and took a picture of the chicken. I saw that my uncle noticed that and he was a bit confused but it was pretty obvious that she was sending that picture to some of her friends to either make fun of the food or just make a negative remark. My blood was boiling at the moment but I didn’t say anything until we leave the party.
Once we were in the car I told her that her behavior was unacceptable and I didn’t like the fact that she was making fun of my family and the worst part was that they knew about it. She was trying to justify herself by telling me that she didn’t make fun or say anything negative and I told her that it was pretty obvious that that was the case since she didn’t even taste the food. Once I finished talking she didn’t say anything and we got home and I spend the next 2 hours walking my dogs and smoking weed until I got to sleep.
Today, she wakes up and I knew what was coming. Every time we had problems in the past she starts to slam the doors, if the dogs barks she starts yelling at them to shut up. Really crazy behavior, I think. But this time I think she went to far, she told me that we were going to have dinner at her dad’s house. I told her I was not going so she starts getting ready and I was thinking she was about to leave. At that moment I was pooping in the bathroom and she starts yelling that I have to go with her and all that. I say no again but she starts kicking the door until the door almost broke. The yelling was insane and I was about to have a nervous breakdown so I decided to go with her because I was scared of the consequences.
We have been married for 3 years. We don’t have nor plan having kids. I’m starting to consider getting a divorce but I would love to hear some advice first.
27 comments
You’re making it sound like you handled this very maturely, but did she actually make fun of your uncle’s fried chicken? Did you see the thing you accused her of doing? And you admitted it wasn’t very good but your blood boiled because she didn’t think it was very good?
I don’t know, her behavior might be extreme but it sounds like it could be because you’re treating her like a child and not even letting her have a voice/ defend herself.
34 years old? Sounds like she needs ander counseling. You married her and never saw this before marriage?
If you are thinking about divorce, you are not happy and should evaluate your situation before you waste anymore of your life. Something is not right with her flying off the handle.
Get out man… Not worth it. There are normal, mature, adult women out there that would love to fall in love with you. She’s acting like a bratty teenager.
Kicking the door until it almost broke is abusive behaviour. If there’s no door would she have kicked you? Also her yelling at the dogs is crazy, they don’t deserve it. If you’re a woman and she’s a man everyone would be telling you to leave now. I suggest you tell your family and friends about what’s going on so you have support, and get a lawyer for advice.
Just no. I have no idea if you need a divorce or not, but you do need boundaries. Take a step back. Live in different places. Look at counselling, individually as well as together. Don’t shag someone who is treating you like dirt and being physically abusive. Don’t take on the guilt of them being abusive on account of your not shagging, either. Just no. Major, f-off no. Maybe you weren’t minded to on account of all the red flags waving in your face. Maybe whatever. Not important. What is important, is that you are being yelled at and someone is kicking the door down while you try to crap. Not okay. Make an exit plan and execute.
Good thing the kids hasn’t been a thing yet. See if you can find the root of the problems and help or leave while you can would be my advice
When people show you who they are, believe them. What you allow is what will continue.
If you leave her, please be careful during the leaving process as its the most dangerous time for anyone in an abusive relationship.
Make a safety plan and get a divorce. Your wife is physically abusive and you are afraid of her.
Don’t go to couples therapy – it’s very dangerous to do that with an abuser. Get yourself and the dogs out of there.
Could you imagine this behavior around children 😟.
Op I’m gonna be honest. Run. Run as far as you can. It starts out as “just” Punching walls, doors, ect. Or slamming/breaking objects. Next it’s you. Leave. This isn’t a healthy situation at all.
I lived 9 years of almost identical behavior. It doesn’t get better. Run to a divorce lawyer.
Get her therapy and get out. Not a nice environment for you or your dogs.
Not say she will but you don’t want to risk her trapping you with a baby. I know your not planning on it but that’s how abusive people are.
Please re-home your dog if you don’t plan on leaving. That’s my only advice, I’m just here for the dog.
Sounds like she was never allowed to express herself as a child and now can’t properly manage emotions. But hey I’m just receptionist and not a therapist.
I say give an ultimatum. She gets help, or you leave.
But if I’m being honest, you leaving seems like a safer bet for yourself. Just be prepared she will likely flip out considering she tried to break down the door during your moment of privacy. It would be a good idea to prepare a place to stay that she doesn’t know about, and have a friend or relative there with you. They can wait at the door and then check on you in every 5-10 minutes while you tell her the news of you leaving. Also don’t sugar coat. Straight up tell her that her violent behavior scares you and you are leaving before it escalates. And note, it *always* escalates.
Sounds scary OP so please stay safe and I always ask for concerning posts like this, give an update if you can.
Sorry, but she sounds like narc. Yes, get out before it gets worse cause unfortunately, these red flags tell the truth.
I was married to a narcissist for 14 years and the flags were there. Drove me crazy. It got so bad, I couldn’t stand to be in the same room as him. His true colours came out especially after a brutal divorce. He ended up attracting a ruthless woman who drove him down. Karma.
I tell you, it took a lot of wasted energy out of me. I will never ever let that happen again. My antennas are up big time. He never knew how to love. He only knew to take mine.
You are worthy of your heart. Someone good is out there for you. I guarantee.
Hurt and pain does simmer once you let it go.
Be kind to yourself. You don’t have to forgive that behaviour but forgive yourself for putting up with it. You shouldn’t have to.
There is light after darkness. Good luck. Make the right choice. You’re not alone.
And Psst…..You are young. You have you’re whole life ahead of you. So much good life to live. Peace to you.
I missed out on a relationship with a man I adored because more than two years after getting divorced he was still so broken from these behaviors in his marriage. Getting screamed at, hiding in the bathroom, walking on eggshells all the time. Despite his feelings for me, or perhaps because of them, he was terrified to get close because he can’t risk ever feeling that fear again, and he let me go. I’m still grieving the loss, and angry that someone I never met holds the power to deny people a chance at love.
Abuse harms everyone, and the effects can last longer than the harmful behaviours do.
I hope you find the strength to decide what’s best for you.
Hey OP. I made an account for this because I feel for your situation. You mentioned in another comment that your wife’s mother passed just before your wedding. In another post in another sub, you mention that you’ve had problems with drinking (not trying to be a dick at all, I have as well). I only bring these things up because I want to be clear on the context of your relationship together if I’m gonna offer any advice
It’s very possible that your wife DID wait to pull the bait and switch with abuse until marriage, but I just want to ask for a few details about how your marriage has gone in the past. I’d really like to help, but as I’m sure you know the only options here are counseling or divorce.
Fights in a marriage often get really, really bad. I wouldn’t blame you for wanting to divorce considering the awful way your wife is acting as a grown woman. But if you’re willing to try counseling I wonder if there are things she hasn’t properly dealt with in the past few years.
ETA: I’ve had a very similar experience in the past, I really just wanna see if I could help you out.
she definitely needs therapy!
Get a divorce. Thats how abusive relationship starts. The toxic part is already happening and if she gets aggressive because of something like this, she will only get worse.
So just an idea. Maybe she’s autistic. Picky eater, doesn’t understand social norms, sensitive to the sound of barking dogs, has emotional meltdowns when overwhelmed, can’t deal with changes in her plans. It doesn’t justify being an asshole, but it might help you both to understand where her strong emotions are coming from and how to help her manage. She can take free tests at embraceasd.com.
Also what is her perspective on the night? Was there a reason she was upset that you wouldn’t come with her to her relative’s after she went with you to yours?
On the other side of the spectrum, if she has a habit of being overly controlling then that could be a red flag for abuse. When you said you felt scared, did you mean scared for your life/ psychological well being or just scared of conflict?
I think people jump towards suggesting divorce too quickly on these threads, and it’s sort of a cop out of doing the hard work that ANY marriage requires. Go to therapy. Talk it out. Be open to listening to her and try to understand her perspective. Then after you’ve given it a lot of effort and if it’s still not working you can discuss with her if you might both be happier if you weren’t together.
Oh also, there are some thyroid issues that can cause women in particular to have mood swings.
I feel like based off title people are quick to just look and tell you no get out of the relationship. Yanno… based off how many words you put into your response, i know there is faith and you have love for her. No one knows how to fix your relationship except for the two of you. If you won’t notice that she is also stressed and maybe you could help her out sometimes in a certain way then maybe it’s not just her being at fault. Take some responsibility. Help out however you can. I’d give it 3 months and if she isn’t treating you or the things you both have better then you are giving into a lost cause.
Get a good lawyer and start you’re exit plan, its not going to get better and life is too short, best wishes to you (p.s anything you value like a gold watch from your Dad or things like that, start leaving them at your sister/brothers house or best friends or something, photos, ect ect ect )
Divorce that asap. Feel sorry for you.
Dang OP, after reading your comments is seems maybe she didn’t show this side of her until after marriage in order to not scare you away. I usually don’t recommend ultimatums but she needs serious help. She either seeks it (without you forcing her) or you just divorce her and leave. This is completely unsafe and although she may have only tried to wreck down a door you never know what she might try next. I would also recommend you find another place to live and perhaps take your dogs. This is extremely abusive behavior and she needs professional help but you shouldn’t feel like you need to beg her to seek it. She should also strive to improve in her behaviors.
Ultimately it was also completely disrespectful that she made fun of your uncle. Besides the abusive behavior, I would fully rethink if this is the type of person you want to spend your life with after they blatantly disrespected you and your family. Imagine what else she probably says or thinks about you guys. Tread carefully