Hi guys, please, I need advice.
TL;DR: I have history of being sexually abused in my past relationship. A friend I liked for a very long time, confessed his feelings and tried initiating a steamy session when I was over at his place for a drink. I got panicky, froze, made everything weird, and realized I am unable to be vulnerable and intimate. Currently, I’m scared and avoiding him. What can I do to mitigate the damage?
My history:
I was in an abusive relationship for a year starting end of 2020 till end of 2021, then spent one year in therapy. It helped, I got a bit better, but became very anxious-avoidant to really avoidant after the abuse. During the year in therapy I tried hook ups, which was not the smartest idea looking back, but in 4/5 cases it was with nice and respectful people who did not remind me at all of my past trauma and helped me heal. Only the 1/5 experience was bad and I felt used. I feel quite comfortable and safe while being intimate with girls, but the moment I see a penis, the panic kicks in. Still, when someone touches me it still would trigger me into dissociating, going into panic and not being able to talk.I enjoy giving as it is safe and I can feel in control, but once I’m supposed to receive anything during sex, I just freeze and leave my body. I feel no pleasure, or do feel pain.
Context:
A friend of mine that I had a fat crush on for the past 5 years invited me over for New Year’s Eve. I came over and we had a lot of fun cooking, talking, listening to music etc. During the night, he would touch me occasionally and as I’m tragically oblivious to hints I thought nothing of it, only felt a bit uncomfortable – ‘don’t hug me, I’m scared’ type of way. The frequency and intensity of the physical contact he was sharing with me increased and my body was getting automatically more tense.
When the night was turning day, he sat me down and confessed he fell for me on day 1. He kissed me, I reciprocated. We joked a bit about how stupid we are for not getting each other’s hints for 5 years and then he started kissing me more passionately. I was a bit panicky in my head, but still in control. On the other hand, my body went into full shock. I do trust him fully and know he would not hurt me. Despite him being very respectful and a very emotionally mature man, his touch was a little too firm. At one point he would playfully slap my butt, toss me around or hold my arms above my head.
Me realizing he was much stronger than me, and that I would not stand a chance if he decided my ‘no’ has no meaning behind it, made me freeze and I dissociated. I went full on survival mode and just awkwardly tried to excuse myself and explain that I have to go to catch a train in the morning. I did not want to make him feel bad, so I just briefly mentioned we can continue where we left off next time we meet. I did not want him to feel rejected either. I did not want to reject him because I do like him, but I was physically and mentally unable to have sex. It was tragically awkward after he confessed, because I was panicking and was unable to hold a meaningful conversation. I felt like the ice we broke before just froze back again.
After I left, he would text me and we exchanged a few messages. I did my best to act normal, though I felt very distant and automatically avoidant. My irrational beliefs just took over and now I’m stuck in ‘well, I can’t ruin things if I just avoid him.’
Problem in question:
This man has been very dear to me since the first time we met. I’ve always liked him as a person and I’ve always been attracted to him. Since I found out it was mutual I’ve became avoidant and don’t know how to work through it. Now I feel like I don’t even want to be intimate with him out of fear that he would trigger me into panic or I would dissociate during the act and later feel used and regret it. I can’t bring myself to be vulnerable and honest with him about my past though it would be probably the mature thing to do. On the other hand, I don’t want to make him feel bad, or responsible or whatever and scare him off or judge me to be a lesser person for my past. Also, I would feel guilty asking him not to do certain things and thus possibly restricting him in doing what he likes and making him change his mind about liking me.
I feel a lot of guilt and fear around sex and if it were with anyone else I actually like, I would feel the same. As long as it’s a ONS hook up with no feelings involved, I can handle it. Once feelings are involved and I have to be honest and vulnerable, I panic. In the ideal world, I would heal my relationship trauma and sexual trauma on my own and then be all excited and mentally ready to enjoy his company, but the reality is different. I don’t know how to proceed. I thought he was the one that got away and now that he is not anymore, I can’t help but be scared of ruining everything.
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Very long post, sorry. If you read through it and would suggest some advice, I’m very grateful in advance.
Thank you.
2 comments
Therapy is needed.. And you need to find an understanding guy who will follow your pace, explore with you and help you heal
There are two options. Both you’ve already considered.
1. You have to be honest. If hes your friend before anything else you can tell him how you feel. You dont have to talk in detail about what happened to you. Just tell him you like him, you enjoy spending time with him. But youre not quite ready for that kind of intimacy yet and you have trust issues around it. He *doesnt* have the right to ask why **yet**. Its something you can bring up later on to explain when youre more comfortable.
Youre allowed to set boundaries and expectations and just have a good time hanging out and see where it goes. **Your feelings are valid and more important than worrying about hurting him**. You just need to be upfront about the limits you have, as people are allowed to set their own limits on what they expect from a relationship. In saying that you do need to prepared for sex to be important to him in a relationship, and that doesnt mean he is using you or would do anything bad. It just means some people need that intimacy. So maybe it doesnt work out this time around. Its just a thing people need and its okay.
But that isnt something you can know without having the conversation. You have to talk about it in order to see if this relationship can continue any further. (Again, not in depth but in setting expectations and boundaries)
2. You do just work more in therapy. Let him know that you’re not ready for that kind of thing because of things you need to work on. Again, just saying you aren’t ready for that kind of commitment and intimacy and you’re better off trying to heal before jumping into something.
Best case scenario is to obviously do both of these things together. You still need therapy if it helped to begin with. It can help you navigate the issues you will face with another person and trusting again. And thats also something that can help him feel better about waiting if thats important, as he understands you are being proactive.
All in all, remember he is your friend. Treat him as a friend above all else. Ignoring him is not avoiding “ruining” anything. Avoiding him is just ruining the friendship as well as anything else.
I wanna be very clear and make sure you know: *you do not have to tell him anything you are not comfortable with* but you **do have to explain something to him**. It isnt fair to just avoid him now and make him feel like he did do something wrong.
**you are allowed to say no and it doesnt hurt anyone**. A friend before anything else isnt going to be upset with you or angry that you are not comfortable with something.
Make a list of all the things you do not want to (or can handle) happen with him. All the things you enjoyed and can do. All the things you can talk about. All the things you cant.
That list is something you can take with you to have the conversation and make sure you’re both on the same page and see how he feels and you *know* **he knows** what is already off the table. It helps with boundaries. It helps with not having to say no when its pre emptively a no. And he won’t ever push you in the moment into something you may panic about out of the blue. If he can’t do that, then you know he’s not someone you can trust and be around (in worst case scenario).
Maybe book a therapy session specifically to talk about all this and make a plan with someone *you can* trust around this. They can help sift through your thoughts and feelings and understand you better on if its a good idea
And please please, keep doing what’s best for you ❤ healing takes time, and youre allowed to take that time.