How do I handle this situation about my bf and this other girl? I’m a 22F and he’s a 21M, we’ve been together over a year.
So, my bf and i have been together over a year, and at the beginning of our relationship he had this “good friend” of his who he would be talking to all the time even when i was trying to introduce him to my friends he’d be in a corner trying to talk to her. One night i was drunk and he was in my bathroom and i had his phone and went to send myself a snapchat, and i clicked on her bitmoji and saw a bunch of her nude pictures saved. These were all taken before we were dating but i told him I had seen them and blew up on me. It also turns out she lives in a whole different state and they only met once when 17 at the beach….5 years ago. She is also know a stripper/bottle girl and all she posts is pictures of her in really revealing clothes (whole butt out literally) and he refuses to unfollow her, but i feel like I have good reason due to these revealing insta posts and snap stories that aren’t the norm for most other women. They started talking during covid apparently, but i don’t think this constitutes as a long time friend. After this he still would talk and snapchat her and even if she wouldn’t respond keep trying anyways. I stayed with him and tried telling myself that it’s fine because he didn’t do anything while we’ve been together. But it started bothering me to an extreme point as to which i asked him to cut her off (this point it’s been 3 months into our relationship) he says he will then the day after this agreement i saw (while he was showing me something on his phone) that he had tried snapping her again even though she wouldn’t respond. After this I got mad and he never spoke to her again. He kept telling me it’s just a friendship and that it’s nothing deeper but I feel that it is deeper. I also saw messages between the two (i had looked one day i know my bad) and they were before us but not long before and he was telling her he loves her and that she’s his soulmate so i feel like i’m being gaslit by this whole thing. Now today over a year later, I saw that he has tried looking her up on snapchat again while driving through her state for something for school. We just got in a huge fight about it and I know i should have not looked at his phone, but he was acting really mean and just nasty towards me and I felt off. He also told me that he never looked her up and its probably there from me or something trying to look her up. I’m this fight he started being really nasty and really defensive when I had brought it up calmly and not accusatory and just asked him why he was looking her up. I don’t know what to do…is this dramatic or am i in a relationship as a second option?
TL/ DR: My bf was “good friends” with a girl whose nudes i found of her from before we were dating. He refused to cut her off for months before finally he did, but knew how uncomfortable I. was. And now I caught him still trying to look her up a year later.
6 comments
Yikes.
OP sorry to tell ya but there’s not much you can do here other than decide if this is a relationship you are willing to be in or not. Fighting about it is gonna go nowhere.
You have explained what your boundaries and needs are, he is refusing to meet those needs or respect your boundaries, the trust is GONE- youre snooping and he is lying both those things are happening and neither is good… and now you a re fighting about it hard. He isn’t sorry, he’s pissed. You aren’t sorry, you are pissed.
Whether he is actively cheating on you or looking anyone up or not is pretty irrelevant. Hes right OP about one thing: the trust IS gone and you ***shouldnt*** be in a relationship where you find yourself looking into his history in his phone like that. ***Full stop***. You c ant just shrug off that violation with an “ok ok i know i s houldntve snooped but”
no. But nothing.
That was wrong. And you dont seem sorry about that.
This needs to either end **or** you need to spell out what he would need to do to help YOU feel secure and stop monitoring him like this.
It Sounds like he 100% did ‘look her up’. You seem to care about that a *GREAT DEAL*- most people would see “i forbid you to even LOOK at your kinda exes profile picture ***ever*** or its over because I consider THAT *cheating*” as a WAY way WAY, EXTREMELY over the top expectation, for what its worth. Pretty far out there. Expectations like that are not healthy or normal OP. Know that.
But hey- listen. Im old and i dont know how snapchat works. Maybe looking someone up is indicative of something nefarious. I admit, i dont know. Maybe he really was super inappropriate and sketchy a bout h er in the beginning and you never got past it. Ill give you the benefit of the doubt there and assume he was a sneaky asshat for a good long while with this specific woman. Moving on.
Regardless: Him not EVER, NOT ONCE looking at his exes profile or whatever is what you need apparently and hes not giving it to you, apparently. **Thats the only critical key thing here.** That unmet need and lack of trust is causing YOU to do some off the rails toxic stuff here, and thats not Okay.
SO.
This is usually where you break up OP. There is no handling this situation. Sorry OP. Go be single, then find someone you can trust, someone who you don’t feel compelled to KGB monitor.
Most people don’t keep nude pictures of people who are “just friends”.
You know he’s carrying a torch for her; she’s either not interested in him or the logistics aren’t feasible.
Feel free to walk away. In a good relationship, you don’t have to snoop phones to find out what’s going on with your boyfriend’s “friends”.
Quit trying to control this guy and just leave. You can’t make him love you more by being angry at him for treating you like shit. You are wasting your time. You’re still very young just move on
Fuck…throw him in the trash and take it out!! Seriously, dump his ass.
> They started talking during covid apparently, but i don’t think this constitutes as a long time friend. After this he still would talk and snapchat her and even if she wouldn’t respond keep trying anyways.
Achh girl… Pls have some more self respect than to stay with someone who is clearly creeping on a thirst trap
Definitely not normal to be keeping revealing pics of “just friends”