So yeah. last saturday night we were both drunk and I told her I wanted her to pegg me. It’s been a long running fantasy of mine. At the time she seemed cool, but the next day and thereafter, oh boy it’s been weird.

Our sex life is pretty drab, maybe once every couple of months, no four play, she’s sucked my dick maybe 2 in 3 years. So on saturday all that frustration came out, i spoke to her (for the second time) and told her how I feel and then added this bit on as well.

On monday she was like “Maybe i’m not the girl for you, i can’t do those things like pegging”

I wouldn’t even care if we just had a great sex life in general, I could live without the fantasies if sex wasn’t such a chore for her.

45 comments

  2. You’re not that far into your potential relationship, even if you have a three year old together. Even your wife agrees she’s not the one for you. Would you prefer a dead bedrooms marriage for the next few decades?

    Get an uncontested divorce. You’re not fighting so this should be easier than what others have to do and cheaper. Depending on how mellow she is about it not being her but still wants you to explore other relationships, you can have you separation still living in the same residence. If the idea of you seeing others turns her on to becoming the wife you want, then the separation can be dropped.

    Otherwise, don’t accidentally drag another child into this.

  3. I was you OP. It lasted 16 years. We had two girls. Im in a better place now, Even though it was a struggle during the process.

    We ended on good terms. I have now found someone I can be myself with, it’s been a life changer.

  4. You need to talk to her sober, end of story. No delay. Do it now and start by saying how much you love her, if that is indeed still the case.

  5. The sad truth is, if sex is a chore for her, then she is right. She is not a good match for you. Being rejected constantly for passionate enthusiastic sex is a confidence killer. It also takes away a very important way for couples to bond. I was married for a long time to someone who rejected me a lot. Everything else was “great”. But over the years I grew further and further from him, until my romantic love completely died. I finally left him. I only wish I had done it sooner.

  6. She sounds boring as fuck. I would end it with her. Sex is a very important part of a relationship.

  7. People are being a little defeatist, but if you can’t get past this it may be better to open the marriage up or something until your daughter is a little older. Still, just reach out and push through the awkwardness. Sounds like you want this to work and she probably does too. You can find a compromise

  8. Talk to her sober. Yes, it’s been a fantasy but you two don’t have to do it when she feels uncomfortable with it. Ask her if she’d be open to experiment with forplay, nothing wild but to get into it. And maybe offer her massages just to be intimate with her and have that physical connection, even if you don’t end up having sex after. Then you shouldn’t forget that forplay isn’t just the time right before sex, it can start hours before or even the day/days before. How often do you have physical contact with her? Holding her hand, lay a hand on her back, her tigh, .. and perhaps rub or stroke a bit? How often do you tease her in that way? Or hug her from behind, kiss her neck and whisper if she knows how much you love her? Most women, especially when married or in a long term relationship, need to be intimately connected to really really want to have sex. And not just about you wanting sex, about you wanting to be close to her. Take a shower with her where you wash her, be gentle and enjoy her body, but don’t push it further than that. Initiate cuddles or just lay your head on her lap, hold her hand when you’re out, tell her you love her, when you come home that you missed her, that you appreciate her and compliment her. Not just her looks but also what she’s doing, and also the small things that are usual and in most men’s eyes not worth mentioning, like she smells good even though she didn’t use perfume or something else she’s not using regularly, tell her she’s a great mom, tell her you love her smile, what she made for dinner tastes good, .. you name it. And mean it. Be interested, really interested, in her, her day and hobbies. Ask her about it, remember details, .. give her all your attention and add touches while doing so. Even if she’s mocking about the neighbours for the 400000 time or tells you something about her friend and what she thinks she did wrong for the 293647 time. What most men don’t realize is that women don’t tell you such thinks bc they want you to do or say something, they just want you to listen. You don’t need to give advices or solve her problems in any way, just sit there, look at her, listen actively and maybe say what you think. That you understand that she’s upset or annoyed or whatever. Nothing more.

    I PROMISE you you’ll see the changes in her and your relationship. And following in your sex life.

  9. Sounds like you don’t feel separating is a good option and she isn’t into pegging (or even vanilla), so maybe time to negotiate other options?

    I agree with other people here, nothing wrong with staying in the relationship if you’re getting something meaningful out of it – like companionship and a co-parent, but maybe you could work out some form of non-monogamy? Like going to see a professional domme who would peg you? Or getting into the kink scene and finding a play partner who’s into pegging?

  10. I don’t think you need to jump to end things with her. Love is as much about the easy things as it is about moving through uncomfortable nuances together. It’s okay if you both need to have multiple conversations in order to get things started. I think you guys should have a few heart to heart talks to start. Do whatever you need to do to make sure you both are comfortable enough to be 100% honest with each other. You can even talk over wine and some snacks. (Dont get past tipsy for the first couple of conversations)

    Start by figuring out why sex isn’t as much of a priority for her. Ask her if she likes your sex life. If she would change it in some way. Try your best to fully hear her out without judgement so she can come clean about any turn offs, any loss in labido or fears on her end. The more you understand what’s going on with her, the more you can work as a team to move through it. Try your best to refrain from bringing up your frustrations. As much as it would be fair to bring them up, it might only add pressure and make it hard for her to open up. Use empathetic and affirming language like “I completely understand that!” “I’d love to make you feel that way” “that makes sense” Next, acknowledge the point you made above. “Our love means so much more to me than aligning on every beat sexually” “we don’t have to like all of each other’s kink. We can find things that we both like and try them together!”

    Now this part is gonna require some patience and research on both of your parts. But you’ll have to lead it if you’re more sex driven than she is right now. Take this test together: https://bdsmtest.org/select-mode to get more insight on what you guys like. It often changes with time and exposure to new things so feel free to retake it any time. Turn it into a game, a bit of foreplay. Let it stew. Talk about each kink. Turn each other on with language. Even if it’s a little awkward at first, let it become fun and a little teasing. Maybe look up one of the kinks that you both have high percentages in and ask each other questions about it. Watch it in porn. Laugh about it. Just have fun.

    Whatever you do, don’t initiate sex during this! You dont want it to come off that youre just doing this to have sex. You want her to feel heard and you want to strengthen your bond as a couple. Do these little conversation/ sexy game night/ special picnics a few times. Maybe even over a month or 2. It’s a long time but it could truly revamp your life together. Each time could get more and more explicit.

    The last thing is, try to prioritize her pleasure for the first couple of times having sex after these conversations. Don’t let her give you head. Give her the best head of her life. Fingers, tongue, vibrator and all. Finger tf out of her. This is going to boost her labido. She’ll crave that dopamine hit. Slowly reintroduce your cock into it. Most women want to return the favor when they feel well taken care of. If you want to explore more bdsm, I have a few comments on my profile that could help you figure out what to say to her when the time is right.

    Sexual compatibility is important but that shit shifts and grows with time. Its natural. You gotta work as a team and be okay with not alinging perfectly . Good luck!

  11. >I wouldn’t even care if we just had a great sex life in general, I could live without the fantasies if sex wasn’t such a chore for her.

    Based on this and your replies to others – I think it’s time for a conversation about your sex life. Maybe take pegging off the table (for now! it can come back later) and just talk about the struggles you are both having with your sex life. You can tell her you wish you had more foreplay or more frequency, but you could also ask her what shes missing or unhappy with. Maybe she is missing romantic intimacy or is too stressed.

    If you have a 3 year old and parenthood could be putting her brakes on a lot. You two should work together to figure out how you can rebuild your sex life and then maybe pegging can be discussed again in the future. With a toddler running around she might be feeling over-touched, stressed, under appreciated, un-sexy. You’ve gotta ask her how you two can get sex back on her mind.

  12. I don’t think that not pegging you is the real issue. My wife happens to peg me but I never forced her and could live without it if she wasn’t into it. We had years of great sex before pegging came on the menu, we were just looking to spice up things a little.

    Your real problem is that your partner doesn’t show much interest in pleasing you and sex in general. Has she always been that way? If not, you need to have a good discussion with her as to what are the causes of her disinterest. If you can’t sort out things by yourselves, a sex therapist could be very helpful in saving your relationship.

  13. I was in a sexless marriage for 16 years. Ex-wife was pretty much asexual. I’m the total opposite. I initiated the divorce. Finalised 6 years ago. It permeates into everything, even if you don’t realise it at first. We have three (now teenage) children. I only stayed for my kids but I realised they’d end up repeating the same patterns in their own marriages, one day. Not worth it.

    I see my kids regularly & my ex-wife & I co-parent amicably. It wasn’t easy for a couple of years after the divorce but it worked out ok.

  14. After reading through the comments, it sounds like you love her in all the other ways and are committed to your relationship. Reddit loves to throw around the word divorce for any and all situations, but I do think there is value in preserving a relationship that can be salvageable with a little hard work, effort, and time. Not everyone wants to start over and live life as a divorcee. It’s okay that you do not want to live a life of shared custody, alternating holidays, and apartment living. Divorcing is taking the risk that you will find something better than what you currently have, and I know plenty of divorcees who are living sad lives where the grass is not greener.

    Is sex important in a relationship? Sure, but it is not a dealbreaker for everyone and it sounds like it is not a dealbreaker to you. Good luck as you work through these issues and I cannot recommend counseling enough, even if it’s just for you.

  15. I’ve been there too.

    I wanted to leave, but didn’t because of the house and kids and the time invested.

    Ultimately the choice was made for me when she had an affair.

    Honestly, you’re delaying the inevitable.

    I know it’s a very very hard pill to swallow, but 5 or 10 years from now, you’ll look back and say “Gee those strangers on the internet were right”

  16. Honestly OP, it might be best to go your separate ways. You two seem very sexually incompatible. It doesn’t mean that anything is wrong with EITHER one of you. We can’t control our sex drives and what turns us on and off.

    I’ve seen you comments talking about why you do not wish to divorce your wife and while I do get where you’re coming from, if you’re not happy and the relationship isn’t healthy, what kind of example does that set for your daughter? I know you don’t want to hurt her. I know you beileve staying with your wife will benifit your daughter but it will not.

    If you want to stay with your wife but also have the sex life of your dreams, there is a possibility of an open relationship. Now, if this isn’t your thing, that’s okay it’s just a thing I thought of. If it’s something you’re interested in, bring it up with your wife and be honest about the sexual incompatibility. This way, you get the benefits of being in a relationship with her, easier to co parent, you obviously love her, and there won’t be the resentment you’re going to feel/already do for her not having sex with you often and turning down fantasies of yours.

    I wish you well. Hope this helped

  18. I don’t know why everyone jumped to divorce without mentioning this: you should see a sex & relationships therapist! Your obviously invested in this relationship, there is just one thing thats not working. It’s an important thing for sure, but it sounds like you spent way too long not talking about this. Now you need to deal with it, and you’re not communicating effectively. That’s what therapy is for! I’d start there.

  19. So you’re not compatible that’d obvious. Though yeah with a house and a chukd it’s complicated. Would she consider an open relationship?

  21. Ok so this is your come to jesus moment.

    ​

    Sit down again properly and say you’ve reflected on her comment and we have an issue around sex life in general, sex shouldn’t be such a chore. So what do we do as a couple and as a family?

    ​

    Do we get counselling, do we hit the doctor for testing, do we just call it a day?

    ​

    Use this as your jumping off point.

  22. Personally I feel sex/sexual compatibility is a massive part of a healthy and loving relationship. And the recommendation of divorce based on one post is not something stranger’s on the Internet should be making for you.
    Only you can answer that. Do you love your wife? Is sex once a month enough to satisfy you? Could a lack of sex lead you to cheat or is your wife open to having an honest discussion about the problems in your marriage? Everything like this should be a deciding factor.
    You don’t want to hurt your daughter, something all good parents want to avoid, but children are resilient and as long as they know they are loved 1 or 2 homes won’t matter.

  24. When will people learn that staying in an unhappy relationship isn’t helpful to a child?

    It’s so often the excuse (or uneducated reason) to stay together.

  25. It sounds like you’re not sexually compatible, and she’s not willing to change it? Time to break up and find a partner whose needs and desires are more in line with yours, I think.

  26. If sex is a chore. This is not something you want. Whether you can admit that to yourself and do something about it is another story.

  27. WOoooo, hold on there. Okay, the sex is humdrum if even that. But how is she as a wife, a friend, a mother and a woman? I’d guess you’re not even 40 yet. Both of you are very young. And she’s ready to throw in the towel, I’m just curious, could it be that she’s not having a good time herself? Not that she doesn’t like sex, but she’s not enjoying it? You gotta look at it from both ends.

    But you must remember, your lives together isn’t only lived in the bedroom. I really respect what you said about sacrificing for your daughter. Maybe you should back off from sex for a while, don’t pressure her, maybe start to treat her more like that girl you first met, find out what really turns her on, love her (Unconditionally), comfort her, listen to her. Give her more.I have a funny feeling, that in return you’ll get more yourself.

    It’s real easy to listen to your other head and just give up. It’s hard to listen to your heart, focus on the solution and work things out for the entire family.

    But one of my mentors told me a long time ago, “When you do what’s easy life gets hard, but when you do what’s hard, life gets easy” . And not only easy but definitely worth it.

    I wish you and your family the best.

  28. Keep talking about it and work thru it together, it may take a couple of conversations to come to understand where each other is coming from and how you can reach a compromise your both happy with. Husband and I have been married for 11 years and our sex life went thru a dry phase. Things started getting better when we started initiating sex via text funny enough, I didn’t have a good way of letting him know when I was in the mood so starting to do this made it so much easier for me to break the ice. We just send each other 🍆 🍑 emoji. Another thing was incorporating a day once a week we called it cuddle night where we made sure to spend time in bed cuddling and talking which usually led to sex. We added daily butt hugs I stand in front of him and we hug while he sits. We hug regularly a lot more, he finds ways to let me know he’s checking me out or thinks I’m sexy, just having that energy around each other leads to more sex.

    As for me being female we can often time go into work, mommy mode or fix it mode, and this puts our minds in a more task oriented way which is not conducive to sex mind, for us so much is mental. I started reading romance novels and the difference in my libido is night and day. I personally love the author Ruby Dixon hers is more sci fi but her plot lines are fun, and her books are free on kindle unlimited she also has a ton of books. Reading about romance and sex has my mind closer to being ready for sex than if I wasn’t thinking about anything sexual period, if that makes sense.

    Also for women the more sex we have the more we want it, especially if partner cums inside there’s a slew of binding hormones that happen from this alone.

    Lastly it could be a hormonal thing for her I noticed a huge difference in my sex drive not being on hormonal birth control, or any medications for depression. We went from having sex once every month to 3-4 times a day.

    Bottom line is you started talking about it and expressing your needs don’t stop or feel discouraged you guys can work thru this together.

  30. Just divorced my wife 4 months back over similar issues. We had 2 houses and a 2 year old. It sucked at the time, but we are both happier for it. I have an uncle who stayed in a dead bedroom till all his kids left home and most ended up with severe other issues. Divorce and happiness is better than ‘stability’ and misery.

  32. Truthfully, everyone has 1 kink minimum. Sounds like yours is being pegged (could be more but not here to talk about that). Sounds like it isn’t her choice in sexual interactions BUT with that said.

    Have you ACTUALLY had a conversation with her about it or just threw it out there and she freaked?

    Females can be intimidated by this type of request being uneducated they can think that you’re leaning towards being gay when in actual fact your not.

    Have you had her involved in anal play with you at all?

    I think you need to actually have an open conversation about this with her.

    I can tell you that most of the females I know, if you said that to them they would have run interstate X 3 without even a blink of an eye lol.

    A female friend or 2 of mine like myself 38F, would’ve pulled out our good old trusty strap on and put you back in your place immediately lol.

    Kinks can be very intimidating to people. Even my partner looks at me sideways sometimes because of my endless list of kinks I have BUT with that said, I don’t bring them up abruptly we talk about them if he wants too and he just knows of them (BDSM L/S and we have a journal with such things in, that is locked but we both can use it at anytime).

    Good luck!

  33. Dude you can’t go from 0-100 like that lol. Start with just getting more intimacy. man o man! My girl of 9 years was VERY pg when we met. Lights off, missionary, no oral, etc. Fast forward to 9 years of building intimacy little by little and we do anal/bj vids for OF lol.

  35. How is the rest of the marriage.

    Her “maybe I’m not the girl for you” is pretty telling something else is going on.

  36. Don’t let the sunken cost fallacy get you. It’s never just sex or just this or just that.

    If you’re not happy in your marriage and you aren’t both happy and thrilled with each other, then you *both* deserve to find people that you’re happy with. As an adult whose parents should’ve divorced before they married… it is only going to get more difficult. You don’t want to be 20-30 years down the road, both unsatisfied, wondering why you didn’t do this before, trying to work out an *even more complicated* divorce

    And yeah. The kids know if you aren’t happy. They might even envy the kids whose parents did divorce

  37. This is common, life gets in the way of fun, she does her thing, you do yours, at the end of the day you’re both tired and you want to unwind one way and she wants to unwind another.

    Talk to her not at her, ask her what she needs to help her feel more receptive to a little cuddle here and there. Scheduled time works for some couples, others need to spend some time away from the stresses together, it takes two people to make a relationship work and it takes two for it to fail. Peg yourself if that turns your crank, let her go to the spa and you can do your thing. Worse case scenario tell your doctor you are having issues with frequent peeing, get the doc to wave their finger in you

  38. Maybe she thinks pegging leads to wanting a man

    maybe she feels like she isnt enough for you

    I would have a conversation before jumping to any conclusions. Reddit is quick on the draw with divorce/break up (cant blame them most of these posts CAN be answered that simply).

    Telling her you specifically want HER to peg you and how much you fantasize of her will relieve some stress and open you guys up to having deeper more meaningful conversation about your sex life.

    ​

    lets not over simplify this of “man wants to get pegged, wife doesnt feel adequate, man must divorce wife so he can get pegged.” No. They have 10 years and a child. If discussion can help start there.

  39. You’re not weird for wanting to be pegged. I know someone who asked me to peg them and I think if the conditions were right I totally would. We live far apart and I am hung up on someone else still.

  40. Have you considered sexual therapy? Or couples counseling? Might help with introducing more conversation in the relationship as well

  43. I hope you can find a way to reconnect. There’s so much more depth to a relationship where you can be intimate, vulnerable, learn how to please yourself & your partner. OMG, it makes me so sad that our society / religion (don’t get me started) has tainted our human sexuality.

    Ok, here’s my spiel –
    She’s not just about the sex, this podcast is pretty cool with other couples talking about their experiences.
    Check this woman out on YouTube or Spotify or IG. She has so many life lessons, advise for men, women, couples, etc. She talks about your sexuality and enjoying your full potential, etc.
    Kim Anami- Orgasmic Enlightenment DO IT, all you have to do is listen & nothing to lose.

  44. me and my husband have a running joke of “i’ll do whatever you want, i’d literally spit butter in your ass, of course i’ll pegg you” because in a marriage you should be at least open and communicating your wants and needs in the bedroom and in your relationship.

    also i used to never want sex. i went off my anxiety pills, and my birth control and now i have the same if not a higher sex drive than my partner

  45. She’s probably depressed from being a mom. Not saying having a kid makes life worst, but if this affects the bedroom, then I would try to communicate with her. Like real talk. What does she needs to feel comfortable in the relationship? Being a parent is hard and sometimes others don’t see how it might cause sexual discouragement due to depression. She might not even know it herself. This is all about supporting one other in a relationship. I used to be one of the types that would not allow my husband to go down on me due to depression and fear…but now he demands I sit on his face everyday. This was right after we had the adult conversation of what each of us needs to be happy… so be patient and focus on her.

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