So I (18m) have been with my girlfriend (19f) for over a year now. We’ve been having sex a while and we’ve both always known that she has a much lower sex drive than I do. Recently though we were talking and I asked her if she would want to initiate more often and that it seemed like I was the only one who ever initiated, and that sometimes it was frustrating because I felt like I was being too pushy. She basically explained to me that she really never feels any form of horniness other than when I start kissing on/touching her. She definitely very much enjoys sex and she has reassured me of this, so I know that’s not a concern. I’m posting this as advice for both of us as a couple and would like to know what other people think we should do.
Thanks in advance!
6 comments
You’ve discovered the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire. I recommend the book Come as You Are which explains this in more detail.
Some people literally just aren’t the type to initiate sex. As someone else said, spontaneous vs responsive desire. You might want to look into it and start thinking about what you need and want in this sort of relationship.
My guess is, you don’t want all the pressure on you to start sex always, and/or just want the validation of her being attracted to you in a way that has her coming to YOU acting horny.
My girlfriend isn’t much the type to initiate, she doesn’t enjoy acting all seductive or trying to figure out how to get me going, but she does get riled up by me messing with her. So we just make that part of our dynamic. I often sexually tease her physically & mentally throughout the day without starting sex, which she loves. Shows my interest/Makes her feel wanted, gets her mind on it, puts her in a position of having to spend time feeling horny but still waiting. If choose to drag this out for days she’ll end up sitting on me/grabbing me and whimpering because she really wants it. This is plenty gratifying for me.
I don’t know if that would work for you guys though, because for us this is a compatibility thing where we find each other’s behaviors in this dynamic attractive and fun. Either way, these sorts of things have to be negotiated between partners if they don’t fall into place on their own.
Please read Come As You Are by Dr. Emily Nagoski, it goes into detail on responsive desire and how it’s completely normal. Sex drive is not a biological drive, instead, it’s a dual control model with an “accelerator” and “brake”, with different sensitivities and reactions to context. Both of you need to read that book, and then you can start to tackle this issue.
That is like *half* of all women. It is kind of too bad, but there are worse problems.
Read up on “spontaneous” vs “reactive” arousal types. Your girlfriend is if the “reactive arousal” type. She has a libido, but if you can adjust to how she is turned on, then both of you will be happier.
Any mental health medication as well as the pill can cause lack of sex drive??