My boyfriend and i have been together for almost 3 years now. In the last couples of month we had a lot of fights due to stressful events in our life: like his dad dealing with cancer (it recurred so he had to do another treatment), him starting a new job, us moving, and me not having a job-so i was more needy because i was spending everyday time alone in the house, with the dog). Everytime we fought it was for stupid things or because i was upset and i would ignore him. But during every fight he would yell so much i would start immediately crying or having panic attacks.
Until one night when he punched a wall. One night prior to this, i got upset that he came home from work and kissed me and then ignored me to go smoke weed on the balcony like every other night, so i didn’t say anything and went to sleep alone, again. I started crying because he didnt use to be so distant, and he found me like that and asked what happened and i started saying: “i feel really alone in this relationship, we re like to strangers in the same house, i wait for you all day and you come back from work and go smoking weed and i always go to sleep alone. This is not working”, and stuff like that, it was really difficult for me to say that because im not good at communicating my issues so normally i would get upset and ignore him. He hugged me and told me to sleep so it ended like that.
The next day i went out with some friends and then in the evening we went to a restaurant to have dinner with my bf and his brother and when we meet he tried to kiss me and i turned my head, because i was upset he acted like nothing happened yesterday and because he didn’t answer my message regarding where he was. (It was cold and told me to meet with him in a place but not exactly where, so i had to guess and wait a lot in the cold- he’s really bad with his phone and i have always complained about this).
So we had dinner and then went home. I went upstairs first, tried on a dress i bought and when he came, he started yelling: “why did you refuse my kiss, do you think is normal? And in front of your friend, are we a couple or not? And i told him: “do you think its normal to act like we re okay when i told you we are not? To invalidate my feelings like that, what relationship is this? I have to say again he was yelling really loud so i had difficulties in defending myself, and he started saying “so we’re not together? This is not a relationship?”
And i felt really triggered by his yelling and i was already crying and i said “i dont know” so he yelled to me: “ok so if we’re not together then go back to your country” (i moved to his country to be with him). Of course i got hurt and i said: “fine, i ll look for airplane tickets now” and in that moment he punched a wall and broke his finger (the same finger he broked in his last relationship when he punched a wall).
I must say in his defence that i already “broke up with him more than 5 times”, because everytime he yelled at me during arguments making me cry and having panic attacks i would get so upset i would just say its over. But once i calmed myself and the pain went away i would say i didnt mean it.
In that moment i started crying heavily and remained in my bed in shock. He started slamming doors and saying “my little hand, my little hand” and called me “mentally handicapped” (the first time he insulted me) – doesnt make sense in english, and then he called his brother which is also a doctor like him to ask him for an open hospital, but he said he doenst know and ignored him, and the next day he apologized saying he fell asleep, which is a lie, i think he just didnt care, he’s selfish and knows his brother gets hysterical.
All this time i was crying in our room. He slammed more doors and then left the apartment and disappeared for maybe 30 min – one hour. In this time i calmed myself, stopped crying and he sent me 2 messages which he deleted before me seeing them. And then asked if its over for us. I responded saying “its not important that now, did you go to the hospital? Call me”.
He called me saying he went to a gas station (his hand was really swollen so he’s crazy waiting so much time) and i told him to come pick me up and go to emergency room.
We went and i stayed in the car because i couldn’t go with him. He told me its gonna take a while and he can call me an uber, but i said i ll wait in the car and i ll sleep on the backseat. When he came back i was asleep and he had his hand in a cast.
We went back home and went to sleep and the next day i went out with my friends (the same girls) because they were visiting the city, so i didn’t talk with my bf about this.
He gave me a lift, and then texted me “thank you for inviting me and including me in your life” and i felt really bad because its true, i didnt ask him to join us and he gave me a 30 min lift. I told him im sorry but i thought he didnt want them to see him with his cast, but he s welcome to come, and to get an uber, but he denied.
When i got home, i brought him a paper with his name knitted on it, and a crown above the name, because they were offering free personalized samples on the street, to promote buying personalised clothing items made on the spot with a sewing machine, because i felt bad he stayed alone at home.
Fast forward a month, we fought many times again, always with him yelling his lungs out and me crying so i decided to go back home. I tried to explain him he needs to change, that its not normal punching a wall and yelling like that and he told me i also yell (i dont, i cry or stay silet) and he never hurt me physically and when he punched the wall i was so cruel to him because i didnt offer to help him when he broke his finger and was desperate on his knees in the other room, having suicidal thoughts (i dont remember seeing him on his knees because i was crying in the bed). I didnt offer to help straight away because i was in shock, upset, disappointed and couldnt believe he did that after he had told me at the beginning of the relationship that he punched a wall in an argument with his gf and that it was his fault (he told me when i asked about the scar on his hand from the surgey). He also said he punched the wall because he was desperate i was breaking up with him, but he yelled for me to go back to my country and he escalated everything.
I feel like any small argument escalates because his yelling.
Tl;dr: my (25f) boyfriend (35m) punched a wall, and broke a finger and blames me
What can i do?
18 comments
>what can I do?
Leave this relationship and don’t look back.
Why are you still there? You do realize you’re next after the wall, yes?
>Everytime we fought it was for stupid things or because i was upset and i would ignore him. But during every fight he would yell so much i would start immediately crying or having panic attacks.
It seems you are not compatible at all. His dad is having cancer, you do not have a job so he is probably providing for you and you fight with him about stupid things? Come on.
The only time adults should be yelling at each other is when someone is in danger.
Yelling is not communicating.
Aggression is an emotional response to fear and it is escalating.
The fact that he punches the wall, and has done so. And that your both screaming and arguing with one another about “small” things to the extend where you ignore one another, punch walls, cry, have panic attacks tells me that neither of you should be in this relationship for even a second longer.
Stay broken up. You aren’t ready for a relationship if you constantly threaten to break up and he has anger management issues. You aren’t compatible how you are now and it will take time and work for both of you to address these issues and it will be harder to do with you both just triggering each other’s toxic traits.
The bigger the age gap, the more likely they will abuse you. Please get away from this man. It starts with hitting walls but next, he will hit you. It grows like mold.
OP, listen carefully. None of what you described is normal for a good, loving relationship. Well grounded, functional adult men do NOT yell and punch holes in walls, and they do NOT insult their partners. This is NOT normal or good behavior. GET OUT of this relationship right now, and never look back.
1000000% break up right now, ghost and block, full stop
This isn’t a healthy relationship OP. I’m currently in my first healthy relationship, and for the past 8 years he has never once yelled at me, intimidated me, made me cry and he sure as fuck has never hit a wall. It starts with walls, but next it’s you. Trust me, I’ve been in your shoes. Go back home to the people that actually love you and take time to get yourself together. You’re still young and have plenty of time to find someone who will treat you the way you deserve, and for fucks sake won’t turn every disagreement into a full blown screaming/ intimidation match.
Eventually he will run out if walls…. and then itll be u.
Don’t let that happen.
>Everytime we fought it was for stupid things or because i was upset and i would ignore him.
Absolutely not. Do not blame yourself or minimize problems that you have while taking complete ownership of all problems. It takes two people to be in a relationship, it is not *all* your fault, ever.
>He hugged me and told me to sleep so it ended like that.
So he minimized your problems and redirected the conversation to “you must need sleep because you’re being so cranky”.
>he started yelling: “why did you refuse my kiss, do you think is normal? And in front of your friend, are we a couple or not?
So he immediately yells at you upon getting home because YOU messed up HIS social status with his friends.
>called me “mentally handicapped”
This is verbal abuse.
>must say in his defence that i already “broke up with him more than 5 times”, because everytime he yelled at me during arguments making me cry and having panic attacks i would get so upset i would just say its over. But once i calmed myself and the pain went away i would say i didnt mean it.
This is your solution. Leave, and make it permanent. Your significant other is not supposed to cause panic attacks on a regular basis.
Stop blaming yourself for having a shitty boyfriend and find someone who will appreciate you.
You named all these “stressful” life events like getting a new job, dad having cancer, etc. But lots of couples experience all of those things and never destroy their property and punch walls. Your boyfriend is just bad at this. He needs a lot of healing, and so do you…but you’re not going to find it together.
Why stay, honestly? So you can cry and have more panic attacks? Sounds like you both could use a fresh start.
Yelling at each other 🚩
Punching walls/destroying property 🚩🚩🚩
Constant fights 🚩
Ignores your concerns 🚩
Guilt tripping 🚩
Overall immaturity 🚩
OP, this relationship sounds awful. **You need to get out.** You need to break the cycle before **more** abuse happens, because this relationship is already abusive. You two have normalized extremely toxic and unhealthy behavior. If you two aren’t willing to do once a week couples counseling for the next 6 months minimum, the only other solution is to get out and cut contact. **These events will get worst from here.**
Everyone in this comment feed is seeing the red flags and telling you to get out. We aren’t biased or trying to destroy your relationship; we are anonymous and reading about an abusive relationship and seeing the red flags clearly. Listen to this comment section.
He’s violent–and he didn’t learn anything from when he was violent in his last relationship. This man will be punching walls–and probably people as well–until the day he dies. The only thing you can control is if you’re there to get punched too. Don’t be.
He’s violent–and he didn’t learn anything from when he was violent in his last relationship. This man will be punching walls–and probably people as well–until the day he dies. The only thing you can control is if you’re there to get punched too. Don’t be.
Conflict is normal in a relationship, but yelling is not an effective way of dealing with conflict. Yelling does nothing but silence you and intimidate you. It makes you cry every time. That’s not normal.
Punching a wall is a form of physical intimidation. He did it to show you that he’s capable of breaking things. He did it to scare you and make you feel tiny.
You’re with an abusive man. Today, it’s the wall. Tomorrow, it’s your face.
Pack up your things while he’s away from work and leave. Don’t look back. If you have nowhere to go, find a women’s shelter in your area. There are people who can help support you through this difficult transition.
He needs help. He needs counseling.
He takes his anger out on you.