So last night I found out that my fiancée has 45k in credit card debt. She got a 15k loan because she quit her job as a mortgage officer because she didn’t like the vp. She said it was to help her transition and find another job. She has a job but wants to quit because she wants to get married and then move shortly after. Her current job she’s half doing. Back to the loan to “help us.” She says she factors in my bills as well as a part of “us becoming one” and all the little things she does for me. I’ve told her that I can do the little things myself. She took the loan out without asking me, now she expects the same. For me to go out my way to pull out my pocket. I have good credit. And I have advised that if my credit goes bad. We are both screwed in the long run. So I won’t be pulling loans and such. She was talking about finding a second job. But I need to see you pull off the first one.
Anyway, I understand helping me but going into debt to do so is not a good idea to do so. And because we aren’t married yet I’m not obligated to get her out of debt. I want to help her but I wish to do so safely without ruining my credit just in case something happens. I mean she want me to pay bills in a house in her name so you can kick me out and all that money is wasted….
How can I fix this situation? Am I obligated to pay her bills
48 comments
> So last night I found out that my fiancée has 45k in credit card debt.
For most it would already be a dealbreaker that she wasn’t upfront about this BEFORE you got engaged.
> She got a 15k loan because she quit her job as a mortgage officer because she didn’t like the vp. She said it was to help her transition and find another job. She has a job but wants to quit because she wants to get married and then move shortly after.
I hope you see all the red flags. How about her sorting out her life first before thinking about marriage?
> ow can I fix this situation? Am I obligated to pay her bills
You take 20 steps back and don’t engage in your fiancée’s issue. Has she been in touch with a financial advisor yet? Has she got a concrete plan at hand on how to pay the loan back? How long will it take her?
Are you saying that she’s currently helping you financially with money she took from that loan or from credit cards? Or do you mean she’s just paying her normal share of being together?
Yeah.. you were blindsided and now she wants to “become one”. Doesn’t work like that, she should consulted you before taking the loan if her goal is to “become one”!
Run.
You aren’t obligated to pay her bills because you aren’t married to her. But you will be obligated to pay her bills the minute you DO marry her. She’s made her intentions crystal clear— stop working and make you pay everything. If this isn’t what you want, you simply need to not marry her (maybe break up as well but definitely don’t marry her). You can’t fix it, and understand any attempts to discuss it will end in a fight, where she ‘changes her mind’ to get you to marry her, only for her to reveal she was lying all along. Except once you marry her, that’s it. You’re legally responsible for her debt, and even if you divorce her, you’re still responsible for half that debt (possibly even all) and if you marry her, you are absolutely risking your credit.
So, it’s time to decide, is she more important than your financial security? Are you okay with her treating you like an atm? Because that’s really what this comes down to.
When my fiancee got into cc debt behind my back (nowhere near this amount)
I told her the wedding was off indefinitely until I saw her pay her debt off and manage money properly
If we didnt have a kid I’d have bailed at that time
10 years later we did marry as she finally got her financial act together (it appeared)
2 months later secret debt again so I had the fun of divorce to navigate before most people knew we’d got married
If I was you I’d be out now, otherwise down the line when your legally tied to her inability to budget, it’s all on you
Even if you do go ahead her income will be furnishing her debts, meaning you have to subside the marriage on her behalf, if you think she will start putting in equally after that, I have a bridge to sell you
In my experience you cant fix a financial idiot, especially the type that think their partner is their get out of jail free card
Why would you marry someone who
1) gets a loan so they can be unemployed for a while
2) want to quit their job because they want to get married while the marriage doesn’t seem to be planned anytime soon
3) buys you things and then holds that against you
45k in credit card debt 😳😳😳 run as fast as you can in the opposite direction. You are NOT obligated to pay her bills. She’s an adult and she got herself into this mess.
So she quit her job, ran up debt sitting around not working, and her solution is to find a man to pay it for her.
No
Wait until she pays a significant portion of her debt before you get married
Do not marry her. Her debt will ruin your credit. She will absolutely drain you to keep herself afloat.
Instead, keep a long engagement going if you love her, and get her a financial plan together to repay her debts. She needs a decent full-time job, she is not allowed to stop working and expect you to foot her bills.
She can pay $400 a month in household expenditures, keep $300 (car insurance, gas, hygiene needs) a month for personal needs, and the rest goes to all her debts.
This is huge. She’s been hiding this from you and that’s a betrayal. My advice would be to not marry her until you can figure out her money situation in such a way that YOU aren’t the solution to her financial issues.
Her employment situation is also concerning. A responsible person finds a new job before quitting the one they don’t like.
These are huge red flags. Don’t end up married to her and on-the-hook for her debt and lack of employment.
Either don’t get married before she’s debt free or don’t get married at all. She sees you as her bank who will delete her debt but you should not do that. She’s not ambitious with regards to her job(s) and paying it all off. She thinks she found a solution to her problems = you.
Run… (if you ask me). She needs some growing up to do.
When is this marriage supposed to happen? How long have you been together?
You don’t have to pay any bills you don’t want to, especially if they are not in your name. However, once you get married, any debt she incurs becomes your debt too.
You need to talk to a financial counselor together and lay out all your finances.
However, between the secret debt, quitting jobs and expectations of you fixing everything, I’d press pause on this relationship. In all likelihood you’ll be the sole breadwinner with someone who can’t keep a job and keeps incurring debt if you stay.
You mention her house. It would make sense to sign a lease so that there’s a set amount you contribute to it. If you aren’t on the deed (probably for the best since she’s likely to lose it in foreclosure if she continues on this path) you aren’t responsible for paying for major repairs or upgrades.
There is more than just her expecting you to pay it off.
She isn’t financially keen or responsible. You can’t “accidentally” rack up that much debt unless you had a major life situation (cancer, home flooded/tornado, etc). Not to mention, she sounds like she’s trying to put blame on you for the debt, but YOU didn’t take it… SHE did.
Bruh, this is a massive red flag for your future. Might wanna rethink things or at least get her into some serious debt counseling.
You should ask over on r/personalfinance what she can do to claw her way out of her debt situation… but honestly, she’s in bankruptcy territory, which she should declare before y’all get married so that doesn’t affect you too.
She’s 30 and financially irresponsible. She got a loan to quit her job. That is beyond irresponsible. Now she wants to quit her current job and mooch off you. So, not only will you be supporting the two of you, but paying off her extremely large debt. Do not marry her. She needs to keep her job and pay her debt off. She needs to meet with a financial advisor and make a plan that doesn’t involve you paying one cent towards her debt.
This financial anvil is going to drag you down with her.
You are not obligated to dig her out of debt. Put a pause on the wedding plans. Sit down together and go through her debt. Understand how she got that deeply into debt, also, is there other debt she is not disclosing a? Car, student loan etc. how does she plan on digging out if she is already planning on quitting her job?
There is such a thing as financial incompatibility. If you can’t have adult conversation with her about finances you might want to reconsider.
Just don’t marry her until she pays off her loans. Extend your engagement with a later wedding date.
Yes it might take some time, but you shouldn’t be marrying someone who is so financially irresponsible. You can get her financial counseling, she can come up with a budget/plan etc. Don’t rush into marriage just because you guys have plans to move, etc.
Truthfully, it seems like you are her plan for paying off her debt.
time to reconsider your options id say
Ya so luckily you aren’t married yet, so none of this is your problem.
If you have an otherwise great relationship- really think about that- then you should tell her she needs to go to a credit/budgeting class before you get married. She needs to understand the basics of money.
Next, tell her no. Tell her that you aren’t willing to take on her debt, nor are you willing to be the sole financial support. The loan is for her only, and you will not be putting your name on anything, nor will you be giving her any money. Be very clear you expect her to work and pay her own bills, the end.
Then, if you even get this far, come up with a financial agreement. You absolutely need a prenup with her debt, but in addition to that, you have to discuss how you will split bills- proportionate to income or 50/50. If you are going to move in to a house she owns, you need to be added to the title, or you should only be paying less than half of the mortgage (you should pay something for living in the home, but without equity, it should be less than half). Agree on what bills are shared- utilities, cell phones- and what are individual bills, like credit cards. Absolutely have separate bank accounts given her debt and bad money management, and that you will contribute to bills together at the end of the month, but DO NOT have access to each others accounts.
She’s gonna freak out by this point, but let’s pretend she is still with you here. Then, you talk about what happens if one of you can’t pay your shared bills. Sure, shit happens, and if one of you is injured or loses their job, the other should step in. But if either of you just quit your jobs, then you are on your own and still responsible for the bills- aka, you two should agree together before changing the financial circumstances, like quitting a job, and agree on what level of support you can provide each other. And then add in that this whole agreement will change when/if you have kids. You should discuss now if one of you will be a stay at home parent, and if so, for how long and how will the working partner take on all the bills and not make the stay at home parent feel like it isn’t their money too.
My guess is that when you lay out these very basic boundaries about money, she’s gonna lose it. And that tells you all you need to know. All of these are very reasonable- you should each be working and contributing, you aren’t responsible for the debt the other brings to the relationships, you will split bills based on your income levels and make budget decisions that work for both of you, or you will split bills 50/50 and base the budget on the lower earner (aka, the higher earner can’t decide to live in a penthouse when the lower earner can’t afford half of that rent).
Good luck.
Don’t marry her.
She took the loan out so that she can use it to bag herself someone to pay her debts. i.e. you.
Your financially illiterate fiancee should not be working in banking whatsoever
“We need to postpone the wedding until you’ve cleared out this debt. I will gladly help you with the little things around the house until you’ve found a job you like and can pay it off.”
See what her response is for that.
Money IS the biggest stress factor in marriages. This screams red flags.
Seems she just doesn’t want to work anymore. If this is ok with you and she comes with a -$45k dowery, and you are certain her money habits have magically changed for the good of you both (you believe her, don’t you? Don’t you? Sure, what could possibly go wrong…)
OK — enough of the snark. My friend, perhaps if you set some goals for her BEFORE you marry, like she’ll hold down a job and pay off her own debts as a sign she is ready to be in a committed relationship and be responsible with money … maybe after all that (and with your full support and coaching on developing sane and healthy financial habits), you can get married.
Because the two biggest causes of divorce is: #2 = infidelity. Want to guess what #1 is?
Finances are one of the top reasons for divorce, even beating out infidelity. Do not get married to someone who you can’t trust with regards to money or that you’re not on the same page with regarding financial priorities.
You’re not locked in yet – there’s still time to run. Marrying someone who can’t manage their own money like an adult can fuck up your life for years even after a divorce.
She sounds financially illiterate. I’d run for the hills. I would not combine finances with someone with so much debt and who resigns from a paying job on a whim. She shows all the hallmark signs of becoming a concrete shoe for you to drown on.
What does she bring to the table? I can work fulltime and run my household without having to bail someone out financially.
Mortgage officer, in debt… I nose exhaled.
Yeah no mate, I’d leave. She’s using you.
My ex-wife secretly ran up just shy of $50k in credit card debt. It’s not the only reason she’s my ex-wife, but it’s a significant one.
Run. Run the fuck away.
My ex wife was a spender (i didnt know before we got married)
She would rack up huge amount of debts over the years. The resentment between us just grew because she just couldnt give a fuck about spending and i just “complained”
Never in my life would i date let alone marry someone who has spends or have maasive debts. Ill rather die single. Thanks
Tell her financially illiterate ass to pay her own debt off and keep her job because if you do marry her this will not be a free ride. But really you probably shouldn’t marry her.
She wants yo to bail her out. She sees you as a meal ticket. Cancel the engagement until she takes a bit of responsibility or you’ll end up living in a trailer while she looks for a richer husband number two.
Do not marry this woman. I would let her know I was not going to marry her until she becomes better with money. That would require her to have a financial advisor and pay her debts off. Be very clear that you will not be paying HER debts. Be very clear that marriage is off the table until she fixes her financial mess. You are not obligated to pay her bills.
Yikes huge red flags. Do not marry this person, they are financially irresponsible and giant red flags about her employment. I would never be with someone this irresponsible, much less co-mingle assets/debtS. Huge risk on your part.
Lmao she’s 30 and has 45K in credit card debt? Don’t marry her.
Not kidding. If it were me that relationship is over. This is the potential mother of your children. Run!! I don’t care how pretty she is or how she makes you feel, you don’t want to marry someone that dumb. It’s like learning she has a $1000 per week lottery ticket habit AND she hid it from you AND she thinks it’s smart to do. Wake up.
In addition to all the other comments, she wants you to pay these off and the house doesn’t have your name on it?
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Yeaaaaa I don’t know how much you trust her but I’d be terrified. My own girlfriend owes around $2,000 and I am very adamant that she gets rid of it, even if I have to help, but $45k is a little much no?
She’s paying $9K a year just in interest. Settle the finances before you get married.
It’s also not the end of the world if her credit goes to shit and she has to start over.
I had to scroll back up to the top to check ages. The financial illiteracy here is astounding; I honestly thought you and your fiancée were closer to 20.
Neither of you are in a position to get married. She’s overloaded with debt, and you appear to accept and even welcome her foolish spending.
Put the wedding on hold indefinitely. Find a debt counselor and financial advisor to help dig yourselves out of this unhealthy debt. And I did include you in that statement. It may not be your debt, but it seems you’ve made interesting financial choices as well.
I just read the tittle.. you better RUN else you will end up paying her CC bills for long time.
Dude she doesn’t love you your basically her alternative to paying the bills run for your fucking life! Flee you fool! Run Luke run!how many ways do you need this spelling out once your out of money she will find a new man with a fresh wallet she can empty
Yiiiiiiiikes. For the record I don’t normally consider debt a dealbreaker; we live in a society where debt is very easy to acquire and very difficult to get rid of so I don’t consider it to automatically be a red flag for a person if they have some, or even a lot.
What IS a red flag is hiding that debt from you until now. Full disclosure early is necessary for something like that both so you can plan around it and so you can enter the relationship with a clear view of the situation. Instead she waited until you were almost married to drop this bomb on you. The fact that you weren’t included in the decision making process for that loan is also concerning, and it seems to show a pattern of her just doing things on a whim that will impact both of you without giving you enough (or any) information. That’s a problem.
I think the fix for this is to tell her point blank that not being included on these decisions is a dealbreaker; you can’t plan a life with someone if they’re living half of it in secret and letting problems pile up. Frankly you may want to consider what’s already happened as a dealbreaker and take a few steps back. At the very least don’t rush into marriage before this is resolved to your satisfaction.
Do not marry her until she has a plan in place to repay the loan and the credit card debt. In fact, don’t marry her at all. You’ll be in for a life of pain.
Damn, as a mortgage officer, I’d assume she works for a financial institution/bank and she is bad with handling her own finances? I don’t know about this OP, this is something you want to think long and hard. Don’t pay off her debt, she took the loan so let her pay for it. But that being said, even if she pays off this debt, do you think she’ll be more responsible with her finances once you guys are married? Personally, I will never get involved with someone who is bad with their finances bc that will take a toll in your relationship down the road.
Do not get married without protecting yourself financially here. Due to the high amount of debt, a prenup stating that her debt remains only hers and a separate bank account would be bare minimum to go forward in my book.
I’d be happy to find out before the wedding so i could RUN. HARD.