Is it usually presumed they are breadcrumbing you? Keeping you on the back burner? I’ve been chatting with 2 men now for about a month. They are very engaging in conversation. Long responses, ask me questions, daily messages, but they never ask me out. I do not like asking men out, so that’s not an option. Why would someone not want to meet off the apps after so long? I’m thinking of just ending it with both of them. Should I just tell them I’m moving on?
25 comments
loneliness paired with an anxiety disorder
There is no way to know. If you really won’t ask them out then just tell them it won’t work out.
A month? You are very patient!
I’ve dealt with the same exact issue. I now assume they are unacceptably shy/anxious, catfish, or married and testing out what is out there.
I unmatch.
I have changed a prompt to say I’m not an all day texter, and we should meet up in person after finding a few common interests. That’s as much of a hint as I can give.
I used to ask those guys out… they either ghosted, unenthusiastically agreed to a date and later canceled/ghosted, or were painfully socially weird on the date.
If you don’t like asking men out that’s fair but seems strange that you would complain about them not asking you out.
Think of the reasons you don’t ask them out. Then apply it to them.
I would suggest you straight up ask them what they are looking for on the app. If it doesn’t align with you, tell them so, unmatch, and move on! There’s no point in dragging things out like this if you’re going to be passive and not make any moves. A little directness will reduce the amount of time you’re wasting on these guys
> I do not like asking men out, so that’s not an option.
It *is* an option. You’re not incapable of asking men out, you just don’t want to. You can do what you like, but don’t pretend it’s not an option.
That being said, if these guys are not asking you out on a date after a month, then they don’t seem like a good fit for you.
If, however, you really want to go on a date with either one of them, then put on your adult pants, get over your fear, and ask them yourself.
If you are not asking them out either, aren’t you keeping them on the backburner exactly the same way?
Sounds like you are making dating needlessly difficult for yourself for no apparent reason. It’s very difficult for us to feel sympathy for your situation when you are deliberately self-sabotaging.
“I want men to put themselves out there and risk rejection, but I’m not willing to do the same myself” isn’t a good look, either.
If a guy is genuinely interested in you, (assuming there aren’t any special circumstance) he will want to see you. I understand as a woman you can ask the man out; but in my experience most men do not have a problem asking a match out if he’s interested.
Usually when they chat for a long period of time but just chatting, they’re usually not available for anything meaningful (maybe in a relationship just seeking attention, or emotionally unavailable/lazy dater whatever) or they’re not that interested but likes to keep a connection open for the option of whatever later.
Since you said you don’t like to ask men out, this isn’t going to work for you. I don’t think it’s necessary for you to message and tell them you’re ending it. I mean there’s technically nothing to end anyways.
If you absolutely refuse to ask men out, and the current ones you’re talking to aren’t asking you out, then just start talking to more men and hope someone will eventually ask you out. That’s all there is to it.
However, if you’re consistently having difficulty finding men who will ask you out, then you have to reconsider your stance on not asking men out, and/or figure out what it is that may be deterring men from asking you out, and/or assess if you’re somehow always gravitating towards a type that doesn’t ask you out.
If you let them, they will usually continue this for years. Don’t ask me how I know. But choose your own destiny, perhaps just ask him out or stop responding. You’re doing the same thing they are so ask yourself why.
If they live within a 45 minute drive from you and dont ask you out after 2 weeks, you should just move on. They are feeling lonely and wasting your time.
If you aren’t willing to put in the effort, don’t complain when they don’t either.
Also, don’t expect them to read your mind.
Hell’s bells, even if you asking them out isn’t an option, why not something like ‘So why haven’t you asked me out yet 😉 ?’. Its playful, isn’t asking them out, and is directly communicating your issue without mind reading.
Why don’t you suggest a date? If they say no you don’t have to waste your time
I texted with someone for about 2-3 months before our first date once. I suggested we go out earlier, but he said he was afraid of messing up the connection we had virtually. And, honestly, when we finally met, it was a little awkward at first, but it turned into the best relationship I ever had.
But, that was probably an anomaly. These things do happen, but in most cases I think it’s a back burner situation.
Hell yes you tell them you’re moving on. Who the hell talks to someone for a month on a dating app and doesn’t even mention meeting up? What in the hell.
Whenever I was on it, within the first 4 messages I send that day I’m trying to meet up, but a fooking month??? Oh hell naw. Drop those guys and drop them fast. They’re playing games. Life is too short to be playing games. Having penpals is something you do in 2nd grade. Not when you’re a grown adult.
I usually get shit for asking them out too early!!
Also people get bored and stop responding after 2 3 days.. how do you even keep people talking that long
I am gender equal on this topic…I don’t see how the heck y’all send messages for weeks without setting up a meeting of some sort. Seems like such a tremendous waste of time. A couple days, sure..a week absolute max. After that the only question is why haven’t we set a date?
For OP I get it, you want to be pursued and asked out. A legit question would be for you to ask them why they haven’t yet. You might learn a bit that will help you next time. I frankly think it would be interesting to really hear their answers after being asked so bluntly.
Good luck.
Yes tell them you’re moving on. It’s usually a huge waste of time when men do this and I know that from experience (I also don’t ask men out). I don’t know specifically why men do this but I do know that when a man is actually interested in you, you’ll have a date set up within a week or so of texting. There are plenty of others out there. Start fresh and get rid of these pen pals !
“I don’t like texting forever, if you want to meet up let me know!”
It’s that simple
The more I read this and OP’s comments, the more I hear all of this as “why don’t these men meet my uncommunicated expectations??”
>I do not like asking men out, so that’s not an option.
This subreddit is so weird sometimes. Like – you’re single at 30+ just like the rest of us. Maybe mix shit up a bit because it’s not like what you’ve been trying has worked thus far, right?
If you don’t like asking men out and “that’s not an option” why not hint that you’d want to meet them and have them ask you out?
I’ve read through your comments and that you like a traditional approach but you’re likely meeting these guys through very modern, non traditional means i.e. online dating so maybe rethink that
Why don’t you ask them out? It’s kind of a two way street 🤷♂️
> I do not like asking men out, so that’s not an option.
While I think it’s silly, you’ve basically said “I’ve tried nothing and I’m all out of ideas” from your other replies it sounds like these are not the men for you.