26M and 20F Am I in too deep?

TLDR of my background: I am 26M, Only been in a relationship once which just lasted 3 months (highschool age 16). A hopeless romantic unfortunately, gives 100% effort no matter what cause I just like to care for people. A people pleaser, and ever since covid hit – been very lonely..

So I met this girl 20F in a game called Tower of Fantasy 5-6 months ago, she has just got out of a long distance relationship for 1.5 years the moment we started talking. We had the same interests, same degen jokes and clicked immediately. We have been constantly talking at this point for like 3 weeks everyday to play the game and we were together ALL THE TIME since she is from South Africa and I’m from the Philippines but working for a North American company so our sleep schedule aligned meanwhile our other friends were sleeping, we were voice chatting. It may not come as a surprise but being lonely and depressed for the past 2 years, I fell for her.

A month later we slowly became very close with daily good mornings and good nights through chat. Until one day she invited me to have a voice chat drinking session. This was a mistake cause she is very lightweight and has a condition called Asperger’s (for those who don’t know, her senses are very sensitive). I drank until we got drunk and it became a little bit steamy to the point I made a server where only the two of us are the only people there.

We would hangout on this server, watch movies, netflix series and constantly talk almost all day when we were awake waiting for our friends to wake up and come online then transfer to the “guilds” server to hangout with them. At this point we were 2 months in our little relationship and some of the people in our guild noticed something between us. Then the time came where we watched a movie and she fell asleep in the call on our private server. I sneakily disconnected her but she was angry that it made her wake up cause of the notification (she is very sensitive to sound while relaxed). So the next time she fell asleep in the call I never disconnected her and being a hopeless romantic kind of person, I stayed with her in the call and tried to wake up ahead of her to greet her good morning the moment she woke up.

2.5 months in we were now very intimate and are constantly in the voice chat and never left 24/7. She stayed in the VC while I was working, reading manga and such. Just hearing her voice while I work made me feel calm and cozy, I got addicted to it. Till the day came where we were exchanging sexy talks and everything escalated till we technically masturbated together in the call but we called it “imaginitive sex”. The next day we got to talk about it, I asked her what is this relationship of ours? She doesn’t want to be in a long distance relationship anymore let alone a random dude she met online that is from the Philippines and her not having a job at 20 and still figuring things in life which made it close to impossible to meet up. Basically she doesn’t want to have another online relationship with someone. I accepted this fact and we settled with being “Friends with benefits”.

4 months in our (November)FWB relationship, I kinda pushed too hard on the sexy talk and she was uncomfortable with it and decided to talk about our boundaries. We took a break talking to each other for a 4 days which was very heartbreaking for me since this was the first time we never VC’d for more than a day ever since our little stint. I kinda relied on her always being there to keep me sane while I was working with no one else to talk to but myself. I realized I was being a fool and tried to watch some videos to cope with the feeling that I need to work on myself and be numb to the feelings that I had which she kinda reciprocated but not really cause she again, had aspergers. I overcame my feelings for her, became insecure cause she was talking to other people in the server while I was being a 3rd person.

I held my ground and only reciprocated the good mornings and good nights. Turns out, she missed me and asked me to VC.. I was drunk that night when we decided to voice chat again and talk about it, I cried.. I told her everything I wanted to tell her. My feelings, when was the moment I fell and apologized for being too clingy and I couldn’t help it. She comforted me and never really responded to it which made me realize the next day that I need to work on myself on 2023, so I got a full years gym membership which will start on Feb. so I don’t have a choice to ignore it (It was expensive).

4 days ago (we are already in this for roughly 6 months already), she told me that “it’s hard to lose feelings in our kind of relationship” “also hard cause it’s also easy for me to develop feelings at this point so” but made it clear that she still doesn’t want a relationship and I actually agreed cause I kinda got over her (I think) and accepted the fact that I’ll just go with the flow and whatever happens, happens. IT IS WHAT IT IS. As long as I am still happy with our relationship and feel comfy to be cared for as well (she turned it up a notch on reciprocating feelings and we seriously acted more than a couple at this point).

The thing that is bothering me, I actually wanted to walk away when we had our first boundary talk before but I couldn’t since we still shared the same friend group and I don’t want to loose my connection with those friends too.. So I sucked it up and still am playing as sort of a martyr readying myself for the time where she would have a relationship with me OR if she finds someone who is physically there for her when she gets a job next month. I want to know if I am in too deep? I still love her unfortunately.. I still want to be with her constantly.. I was being hopeless romantic for her all the time still and gave her a christmas present (DIY Painting of 2 cats, she really likes cats but is allergic to them so.. painting would do) And we are much more intimate now ever since she told me she has a chance to fall for me, basically I doubled down on my effort. I know I am being a fool.. I want to know if someone would like to have an input in this, she was my light when I was in a dark place and depressed.. I would still cry thinking of the fact that I might loose her but not so much anymore since I am somewhat expecting it a little bit but am just continuing on as long as we are happy with it. Should I stop? Should I walk away? We already quit the game although we made a server where we invited our friends over. We are still playing a different game but its only just US. I hope you will all understand why I am desperate cause I have never been in a relationship this long even though we kinda never saw each other yet and only talked. She knows me more than anyone else at this point (I never told her this), she said that she has shared more stories to me than to anyone else as and that we have developed something very special (we now have somewhat the same maneurisms). I can’t help it.. I want this to continue as being friends even if we fall out of it. I really do like her company unfortunately and I have no clue if that would be possible. I am hoping that someone would put senses into me. Thank you!