This is my first post here..reaching out for support I think. Trying to understand this more. I talked about her in therapy a lot but still having difficulties accepting it. She has some narcissistic tendencies. See the examples:
– One time my sister wouldn’t stop harassing me about buying certain shoes, so as soon as I got upset and told her to fuck off and that i can wear whatever shoes i want, she flipped the script on me and accused ME of being OBSESSED with my shoes.
– She is INSISTANT that I get rid of my android phone and get an iPhone. When I tell her I don’t really have a preference for either and have a basically new android, I say I’ll use an iPhone if she buys me one because it’s that important to her.
– Then she gets REALLY mad, and says it’s unreasonable that I’m asking her to buy me an iPhone.
Well…I’m not asking her to buy me a phone..she is INSISTANT that I need a phone (which I don’t actually want) so it’s only fair that she purchase it for me since I am impartial at best.
Then she insulted me for enjoying Android and called me an old man, comparing me to a senile old man who can’t use a phone. Mocked my language in the conversation in a hurtful manner.
– She also brought up details over Christmas about a painful story about me, in front of my new boyfriend. It was highly inappropriate. I mentioned the story in passing because it was relevant to how i met my bf, but she really went into detail about it. She showed total disregard for my feelings. She apologized when prompted for hurting my feelings, but never for what she did.
– Growing up, everytime I did absolutely ANYTHING wrong, she exaggerated it to my parents. Whether it was my party phase (all normal things for a college student) you would have thought I was a drug dealer hooker the way she reported on me to my parents.
– She acts like little things I do are REDICULOUS. Whether it’s how I dress, putting cute pics of dogs on my snap, she always finds a reason to disapprove and look down on me.
My sister lives on the east coast, and dresses like a first lady. LOVES social media. She curses in conversations casually periodically, but if you call her out using ANY form of profanity she acts OFFENDED beyond belief.
Once I texted her telling her how hurt I was by her behavior after a specific event. She apologized saying “sorry i hurt your feelings” but completely disregarded what she did to upset me.
I followed up to thay text saying thay what she said wasnt enough and i wanted her to acknowledge how she did wrong and hurt me. I may have used some profanity, but I am family, and I was reaching out because I was deeply hurt by her actions. Instead of wanting to talk to me about it, figure out how I was doing, tell me her side of the story, she just ignored me for weeks. We still haven’t spoken.
I’m a wreck.
I dont have any cousins or other siblings. I have no aunt’s or uncles. I’ve spent hours agonizing and crying over our relationship. I want nothing more than a sister. I love my sister. She can be funny and cool. I just want her to love me back.
I feel that my sister has been somewhat abusive to me.
My sister is nice to my parents, and she is in a healthy marriage. Her husband’s family absolutely LOVES her. She even gives me expensive, thoughtful gifts sometimes so I don’t know why she acts so cruelly to me.
Nobody understands my issues with her. I do feel like she has targeted me for a level of abuse that isn’t present for other people and I’m trying to figure out why.
Tldr: I want to be friends with her more than anything but I can’t understand why she is like this and I’m in a lot of pain and struggling with it
4 comments
> I talked about her in therapy a lot but still having difficulties accepting it.
What did your therapist have to say about her?
I don’t think you’ll get any helpful advice on making your relationship with your sister more fulfilling. I really can’t comprehend why you have any communication with her when she treats you horribly over such petty things.
>I do feel like she has targeted me for a level of abuse that isn’t present for other people and I’m trying to figure out why.
We can’t either. You can work on figuring out why you put up with it.
Sounds like you have two conflicting personality types going on.
First you need to accept that your sister is a flawed human being who is capable of being very petty when she doesn’t get her way. And that’s her personality type. She expects those around her to show her respect by following her lead and in return she’s a benevolent, thoughtful queen to them.
Second you need to accept that you are not a follower. You have your own path to forge through life and it can never be the one your sister lays out for you. You are going to do what you do. Those around you respect you by accepting that you know what’s best for you and respecting the choices you make.
And you two are at loggerheads because what she deems to be respect you deem to be disrespect and what you deem to be respect, she deems to be disrespect.
How do you guys get past this? Honestly, I’d try couples therapy. You guys aren’t reading each other’s needs. Maybe with a mediator you might be able to communicate.
Harder to use an Android than it is to use an iPhone lul.
You can’t force her to become a different person than the one she is. And the one she is makes you feel like shit.
How other people in her life feel about her is irrelevant. Her relationships with them are different and have different contexts and histories and motivations. Her relationship with *you* makes you miserable, and the pain is only amplified by the occasional scraps of charm and generosity. At this point, they’re only serving as taunts, little glimpses of the kind of relationship you desperately want with her but will never have. She may not consciously mean them to be, but that’s how they’re hitting your heart.
It’s time to have a nice long think about what kind of part this relationship can realistically play in your life. No more idealizing, no more what-ifs, just a hard, clear-eyed look at who she is to you. If she wasn’t related to you, would you choose her as a close friend? Would you see her casually in group settings as an acquaintance? Would you tolerate her in short bursts like a coworker you’re paid to put up with? Would you avoid her like an enemy? What kind of relationship would you have with her if she entered your life as an adult and treated you the way she treats you?
You don’t have to have an answer immediately. But if you want to get off this painful rollercoaster, you’re going to have to start chewing on these questions.